the story of a boy

let me tell you a story:

i saw a boy. he is but a hollow shell, living each day with struggles. His passion and goal might be pure, but he fails each chance to reach it. each step he takes forwards takes him back three steps. he sees life run by him, people who come and go,event after event, story of miracles that flow past his ears, but his life is as plain as a blank sheet; nothing famous, not worth anything to others, nothing of great notice.you would think he would just fall down and disappear but after all these years, he never lost hope.

you can see in his eyes, the fire of his work is slowly dying. he can no longer see the future, he can only review the past. each lost hurts more than the last. first was the pin-prick, now it feels like an impalement for life. the sting hurts the more he walks. you can also see in his eyes, the fire refuses to die. consciousness fights to maintain his pace, his will backs his aching weakened body, his soul fuels his mind.

is there someone out there that shares his pain? is there someone who understands him as an individual? the heart to someone who despite his best always falls short of the best?

how can anyone notice the one who fights back the hardest? can you see the sweat from head? the bruises he carries? the hollowness in his heart eating his soul, the emptiness filling his being?

his arms grows tired, his mind weary, his body dies, his legs fail, his mouth drops, his voice lost in the winds,his will falters, his eyes clouded.

will you stand by him? will you arrive to clear his doubt? will you pull him from six feet under to stand among the living? will you drag him from defeat and drive hope back into his soul? will you be the one to help him find his vision, to find his path?

or

will you strike him down,ending his eternal torment? will you be the final stroke that will shatter his will, tear his heart apart, and finally crush his eyes? will you be the one to bury him in his incompetency, to seal his end with his own actions, unforgiving and un-forgetting?

the story cannot end, the boy still walks. he does not want to see the end, nor does he want to know the end, all he wants is to live his best, giving his best. the world will throw everything at him in years to come, but if the boy wants to live past that, he will need to live past today.

can you be the candle on his life? like how someone was a candle to your darkness? like how someone is the candle for the world?

burn in this boy the meaning to live, to live for others, for the struggle to exist never ends, but to exist for others is to exist nonetheless, so ends the never ending cycle.

heard enough of the story? feeling better? no? well, i'm sorry, this ain't no fairy tale. the only certainty in life is death and the uncertainty is mankind. i can't tell too many happy stories, because a portion of them would be lies. happiness and sorrow are created from the same mouth of man.

well, this marks the end of my post, and also this blog's secrecy that was held for several years...though i doubt it will make much different.

back from crazy-ville

ok...i'm sorry, past few week been 'hell' for my brain. a bit better now, though everything is still in constantly random motion, i'm a bit more stable.

i realized (for the umpteenth time)that i can't do crap unless i get out of this emo mode again. i realized that i'm a horrible person when i'm like that and hence is not achieving anything. i realized that now i'm more worried about other things that what every i was emo-ing about seems pretty small. and now i'm pretty much happier and fuller(thanks to the amount of food i eat when i'm emo-ing)

i wonder now....is the lame daniel between than the normal daniel? i mean, how many of you have seen me during fencing training? i'm so lame, the fencing pple joked that it would be a service to remove me from the compounds.

there are good reasons why i'm a nice guy and girls don't like me:
1) i'm a nerd, means i spend time studying, money buying books and food and transport and stationary. not much left behind eh?
2) i'm a anime-nut sometimes, which makes me a little detached from the main crowd
3) i tell lame jokes, which is way i wear a metal mask that protects my head, several layers to protect my body and carry a foil. (i mean apart from fencing, it's to protect myself when half the club chases me for telling a joke)

maybe thats why fencing is one of the ways i like to relieve stress. i can be bloody annoying to fellow fencing mates, and the worst i'll get is a few bruises from fencing. (that and a really sore body due to the training)(the common term of endearment for my jokes is "later, you're gonna die"...touching eh? probably the motivation that drives pple not to lose against me, which is probably why i have such a hard time winning.)

i give myself up to june to settle my emotions, hopefully by then i can come to a conclusion and make up my mind. meanwhile, i'm just gonna keep my mind focused else where...like restocking my supply of lame jokes!

(chased off by a horde of pple)

p.s i work on the spur of the moment, those impromptu kind of lame jokes.
(gets chased off again)

Silence Of Sadness (S.O.S in case you didn't get it)

i've been like that pretty much for two whole weeks. i can't find the source, i just feel lousy. everything doesn't fit, horrible drawing for bio test, forgetting equations for chem test; i seek my answer in solitude, but in this same silence it mocks me. i don't fit in, yet i long to be accepted, even though i know i'll fail. why,why,WHY?!

i'm beginning to start my distancing, it conflicts with human nature to improve among others, but right now i'm not really good company, and i'm afraid of things i can do when i'm not with a sound mind.

probably my main reason for this depression is my complete inability to understand my emotions. i don't understand anything going on with it. and because of that, i don't know how to respond every time it changes.

then there is the complete failure that is my life.i don't even know where to start with this one, it just started falling apart piece by piece, and now i'm hanging on desperately, hoping God can help me glue them back before the mirror that reflects my life shatters and is swept away by time. i don't know who i am anymore, hopelessly watching life go by: the tragedy that springs sorrow, the romance of others that is love, the friendship that i can no longer reclaim, the ignorance that is me, the future that is everyone else...there is no end to what i cannot see, what i cannot hope to find, what i have to seek eternal.

the irony of thought- through it, we have found knowledge, wisdom and to some extent maturity; but from it spawns self-doubt, fear. i cannot give it up, and even if i tried to abandon it, it clings to me unwilling to leave.

as i walk home alone, in the shadows of my mind it beckons; as i close my eyes, it stares down into my soul; as i sleep, it fills my dreams with nightmares. how can you fight a force that understands you more than yourself...

(titleless)

k, i got bored and went to visit my friend's blog, and saw this quiz...so i thought i might as well rest a bit and do one version for myself.

Name:
Leong Yongsheng Daniel aka Titus Leon
Birthday:
16 April 1990
Birthplace:
The Operating Theater in Geneagles Hospital in Singapore
Current Location:
West side of the tiny red dot, in what used to be a swamp, Jurong
Eye Color:
Dark Brown/Black
Hair Color:
Dark Brown
Height:
Supposed to be 166 at least, but i'm 163
Right Handed or Left Handed:
Right Handed, though training for ambidex
Your Heritage:
Cantonese Chinese. Dad is Cantonese, Mum is Hokchew (though her side of the family speaks Hokkien)
The Shoes You Wore Today:
My favourite: New Balance. (coincidentally, my fall rate has drastically decreased since i started wearing NB shoes)
Your Weakness:
Lazy, Glutton, Low Stamina, Hyper imaginative, chicken-hearted
Your Perfect Pizza:
Repeat after me....CHEESE...SUPER CHEESE...ONLY CHEESE....my cheese *gollum...gollum*
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
To live long enough to take the exams, to draw something substantial and help others. Sub-goal:find enough courage to speak what i feel.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
yo
Thoughts First Waking Up:
going back to sleep
Your Best Physical Feature:
Looking extra skinny in my breeches? and looking like goofy while i'm at it? my skinny arms?
Your Bedtime:
Suppose to be 10.30, but i have not managed to sleep at that time for a long time
Your Most Missed Memory:
i wanted to put 'the time i kissed a girl'....but i never had that memory in the first place...dang
Pepsi or Coke:
Coke,but i prefer tonic water anytime. QUININE HYDROCHLORIDE ROCKS
MacDonalds or Burger King:
Mac...cos there are no BKs near my house
Single or Group Dates:
Either is fine, it depends on what time the date is. After fencing (and a good shower), i can tell lame joke after lame joke. After sch, better group.(that way my classmates and teachers won't hound me if they see me)
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Neither. i go for TONIC WATER
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Vanilla. the chocolate will be reserved for the future girlfriend so that she won't bite my head off after i tell my lame jokes.
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Coffee, from Timor Leste. the only coffee i will ever drink. otherwise no form of caffeine works on me. thats why i use TONIC WATER (sounds like propaganda, but its true, tonic water so far works)
Do you Smoke:
If i start smoking, i give you all permission to castrate me. just give me plenty of warnings before i start smoking.
Do you Swear:
Rarely. Typically, in order to stop swearing, i implement a self-censor function, all vulgarities are immediately silenced.
Do you Sing:
Not in front of people. But yes i do, i prefer chinese songs for a weird reason. apparently my voice only can hit the high notes when i sing in chinese (just play a David Tao song, i can prove it)
Do you Shower Daily:
High Humidity, relatively high temperatures, many guys in school claiming to be to damn hot (or cool)...Not much choice is there?
Have you Been in Love:
Not sure. But if i am exhibiting any form of love-stricken symptoms without knowing, i give you full permission to alert me, slap me hard in the face and help me out.
Do you want to go to College:
Yes. I want to go beyond college and go university. all the things i want to focus on is beyond the allowed capabilities of a pre-grad student.
Do you want to get Married:
Yes, if i can find the girl God lets me have. Though i fear for her, since she has to pass so many tests: the cousin test, parent test, friend-of-parents test, friends test, extended-family test.
Do you believe in yourself:
No. I quote Johnny Young Bosch, that my role in where i am now is similar to his role as the black power ranger, a "glorified extra".
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Don't think so.
Do you think you are Attractive:
No.
Are you a Health Freak:
No. I eat a lot, i try to work out a bit, i like fried food, i like fast food. what sense of healthy do i embody?
Do you get along with your Parents:
Pretty well.
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Yes and no. I love rain ever since i had hives that would flare up in the sunlight (it ended recently though, but i still dislike strong sunlight), Once stood out in the rain to drown a little sorrow and tears. i am fascinated with lightning, one of the coolest things in nature. it arcs in seemingly random places, but it appears rather beautiful. But its really scary and dangerous at the same time.
Do you play an Instrument:
Piano since young. i think i started in primary school.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
No
In the past month have you Smoked:
NEVER
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
If you consider in a medical terminology the definition of that, Panadol
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
Nope...not that i know of (did i go on a date and not know?). Would have really liked to, but no.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
Yes. Jurong East Entertainment Centre (JEC for short). i do need to eat. talking about that, i have a craving for long john silvers
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
No. been eating chinese new year goodies (which i'm banned from since i'm a compulsive eater, typically eating so much that i fall sick with a throat infection)
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Sashimi, from the huge chunk of salmon a small portion. looking forward to when my dad pulls it out from the freezer again.
In the past month have you been on Stage:
Yes, to play the keyboard for Youth Service last week. Still trying to regain my hearing and my voice.
In the past month have you been Dumped:
I'm not attached in the first place. but as much as irony can say, i would actually like to have been dumped, cos that means i have loved and been loved in such a relationship. but no.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
NEVER
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
No. i'm no thief.
Ever been Drunk:
Possibly. there was that time drank XO Fish Slices noodles, with the XO. Got so bad i couldn't really play the piano properly. and there was the time in Thailand where i drank a small cup of beer, and my whole face flushed. thankfully i had to stay awake the entire night, and so managed to get the alcohol out of my system.
Ever been called a Tease:
No. i've been teased, but pple usually give up given how weird and lame i am. but i try to not to tease pple. it's not nice when you're suffering like so.
Ever been Beaten up:
Ya. Beaten up someone too...never liked it.
Ever Shoplifted:
NOOOOOOO.
How do you want to Die:
don't know. in a normal fashion?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
A doctor, a person who is fully capable to help others physically through medicine. A cartoonist, someone who can heal beyond the body to reach the soul. A friend, someone who can heal you without touching you.
What country would you most like to Visit:
Almost forever, i would like to visit the USA. i've been there at least three times. i've been in San Fransico three times, never grew tired of that place. so apart from San Fransico, i'll love to go to Boston and at least stay there for a FULL year or through all four seasons. Otherwise, i'll rather stay close to family and friends.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:
No general preference. Though red is a cool colour for eye
Favourite Hair Color:
No general preference.
Short or Long Hair:
I actually prefer long. mid length is fine by me...short if it suits her.
Height:
No general preference
Weight:
preferably HUMAN
Best Clothing Style:
Up to her. i have bad colour coordination and poor fashion sense.
Number of Drugs I have taken:
(as previously mentioned, if you consider in the medical world the usage of such terms) Two: Panadol and Zyrtec (anti-histamine). Otherwise, none.
Number of CDs I own:
Two. i have one planet-shakers cd that truely belongs to me, and one cd someone gave to me. the planet-shaker cd is somewher in my bro's cupboard and the other one is with my mum. the rest of the music i listen to comes from my bro's ample supply.
Number of Piercings:
ZERO...i repeat ZERO (i have a mild fear of piercing every since some girl came up and pinched my ear saying it was pretty good potential to pierce)
Number of Tattoos:
Zero. needless to say, no one has ever told me to get a tattoo, and i like my body the way it is. (though i would prefer it to put on some more lean muscle and lose the remaining fat)
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Possibly a few. i'm not sure where to start. Hurting pple, losing contact with teng seng, being an overall a**hole sometimes, my big mouth in primary school, ok..plenty of things then.

missed training

well, i missed training again. not something i'm really happy about despite the fact i get an extra 3 hours of sleep. recently, my mum has been pressing heavily that she isn't really happy that i have so many training days, and i'm know why: iTired + niceBed= noWorkdone

extended essay update: i just hit 1.7k words. and that's without my data, my calculations and conclusions,limitations,further discussions.

tok essay update: i have successfully filled my brain with trash and currently trying to empty it again to think properly is taking time. (aka haven't found time to just sit and think)

emotion update: unsuccessfully re-associated my brain with my emotions. currently still suffering some backlashes such as extended periods of silence, a sometimes distant stare.

brain update: unfortunately reformatted brain...restarting Central Nervous System in 10 seconds.

...CNS loading
System Check:
Checking Memory Space
1 bit space detected
WARNING: 1 bit space exceeded for 3TB Operating System
CNS might operate at a slower rate than subnormal
Would you like to proceed? Y
Checking Ports
Legs.........Operational
Hands......Operational
Torso.......Operational (though slightly damaged)
Head........Operational
All Ports available...
Checking Network Connections
Male........Firmware updated
Female....Firmware obsolete, User is advised to update F.Firmware in order to continue communication with said server
Checking Installed Software
Chemistry
Biology
English
Math
Chinese
Economics

...Loading OS

Welcome

(Blank screen)

Warning...Insufficient Memory Space, The Following Files Have Been Delete to Install OS:
'You.exe'

...Restarting OS

Welcome

Warning...Data Corruption, unable to load 'You.exe'. Shutdown in 10 seconds.

(blank screen)

Valentine's Day

i'll probably never get a chance to blog this on the day itself, so i thought i might as well blog it now since i'm stuck doing ee.

its an open fact: i dislike valentine's day. the reason i believe shouldn't be hard to guess either. and for as hardworking as i am, with all the resources i've read, i have no clue what love is. when a guy does not understand love, he will not be able to understand valentine's day.on that day, i look around and everyone is so busy with their better half, sometimes it makes me feel lonely and left out. and i know that a lot of people in school are attached, most of the people i know are attached, so i know i'm gonna be pretty much talking to myself again(like i do every year).maybe thats why i do what i do to fill up gaps in my life, maybe that why i tell lame jokes all day during fencing, maybe that why i don't like going to the sac even more this two years, maybe i'm just jealous...

i tried to run away from this feeling of depravity; i tried to start something new for the day, something i could look forward to, something maybe so that i won't have to be lonely. but even in the end it was a flop (or more rather it was a stillborn).

maybe i have issues, living in my own fantasy world, trying hard to live up to a dream that can never come true. maybe i just am being to harsh to myself;maybe i'm just being truthful and preventing further hurt to myself. maybe because i always want to know everything, by nature i'll fail in this area. maybe because i try too hard to succeed, i am bound to fail.

how do you justify an action done by yourself which in the end only punishes yourself? how do you justify selflessness till it reaches no end?how do you justify the opportunity cost i constantly give up? who stands to gain after all i have done? what do i miss after all has settled? why is there sadness in me? i should be happy. it is always this season, when everything bites into me, it's a hindrance. how do you hide pain? you smile.

i have to get this out, because i have no other place to leave it. emotional baggage will only drag me down, anyone who knows me well enough for me to openly discuss this have too much to carry already. here i can just drop and run, i don't even know how many people actually check on this blog regularly enough to see each post, i don't even know if i have more than 4 people reading this blog.

i don't want to carry this trouble with me, it spoils my mood, it spoils my day. i can't stop people from public display of affection,from annoying display of annoyance...so just let me have a troubled hidden cry here, where i can safely shed a few tears for myself, and then learn to stand out of self-pity.

and for those reading this, have a happy valentine's day.

p.s i've learned how to be happy in pple's joy, so just go and be happy.

thinking lonely thoughts

it is when i'm alone that i realise a few major points

one, i can't hate anyone. i can't tell if its a subconscious thing, or because i'm really forgetful, but i can barely hold a grudge against someone. maybe because there is always some goodness in everyone. maybe i just can't remember properly

two, i hate myself. its really funny that ,in ways i can't describe, i can't hate someone else, but then immediately say 'i hate myself' and probably go rambling why and how. due to the MANY (capital for emphasis) personality makeovers i had, not to mention subconscious absorption of characteristics, i have almost loss all sense of who i am/was. not that i don't remember who i was, but i don't remember how i behaved. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies and quirks, but i completely can't remember mine (which brings up irony 2, because i can remember your quirks, if i hang out with you long enough). and over time, through what i shall call "the reformation of the person", i have reemerged a slightly better human, though with one minor problems: i can hear the voices of these 'old/submerged' personalities. so if i talk to myself, its not that i talk to myself, because to me it feels like a conference with 2 other people. this really becomes prevalent when it is not questions about sch work, but personal questions. The one voice that is really annoying is the most peer-influence, mtv-ized personality (it also happens to be the most violent and aggressive). he/me prompts me to do things, outrageous and risky. he/me tries to fulfill ridiculous world-enforced ideals (about bgr, about life) which often clash with what i believe(though when it comes to faith, he/me just sticks with the 'confuse-daniel' mode). maybe he's just a inner-manifestation of what my darker desire/emotions, but i hate him/me