reasons and errors: lost in doubt

probably the only reason why i still keep a blog is because i can't communicate. no one will understand me, so i have to internalize everything: pain, guilt, love, hate, a big bundle of emotions are tied to a weight and left to drop in the ocean of myself. and i've lost sight again. everywhere is whatever i cannot reach, being around people reminds me of who i am not, can never be but is what society expects of me.

the epiphany that struck me, was not a great idea...was the saddest idea ever. What if all i have been doing is just in vain? everyone is happy, why am i the only one who hates himself inside out, because i bring pain instead of happiness? am i the plague that hides itself as a cure? if i constantly look out for others, there must be nothing to look for in me. i don't need pple to dislike me or hate me, i can do that for them.

i don't want to be a burden. i see my friends have enough to worry about, i shouldn't add my weight to theirs. so why do i feel to heavy? i am not doing anything wrong, other than denying myself of a fantasy that cannot be fulfilled.

if i am not sad, why do i cry? if i do not feel pain, what is that stinging feeling? if i can move, why do i stand still? if i can talk, why can't i converse?

there are countless number of ways to approach this: i could be mad/insane, i could be depressed, i could be burnt out, or i could just be simply weird enough to do introspection to rip out my heart.

sanity is overrated, talent is overrated, arrogance is retarded, love is scary, being normal is underrated, humility is lost in the seas of falseness, reality is inverted, fantasy is burned on a stake, humanity was lost in war, music is buried in noise, art is mingled with trash.

i removed myself from others, some chose to remove themselves from me. i guess i am really a plague of craziness.

even if my life is a farce, i still wanted it to be meaningful...

the days 111 posts

best quote of the day: (outside a japanese buffet next to the pricing board) "we may be 18, but we're emotionally at 5 yrs old. if you average it off, we're under 12" normal price is $20, under 12 is $10.90 (of course we paid the proper price)

back to sch,exams over, more stress than ever, brain a bit overloaded. i think i need a emotion lock and a personality lock.

most interesting phrase i saw today "blasphemy,shortest shortcut to hell"

do you get the feeling that there are a lot of people around you who are like you? do you ever find some of them disdainful? do you realize what you should be feeling? fear. you should be ever inch afraid that you become what you hate, what others hate.

I am feeling afraid. i know there are very few people who is even remotely close to my personality. and i am very very afraid of the similarities sometimes. i don't want to become some forceful dominant person, i just want to help. using force doesn't answer all questions, being submissive opens some more options. and i do weigh the implications of my actions, making each choice a mini ethical decision. i am scared, because there are no answers, no right or wrong, and there is barely anyone to ask for help.i am scared that one screw up makes the slippery slope.

this is obviously added by the fact i am guessing someone really really doesn't like me. probably hates me since sec4 and has never actually talked to me for the past 2 years directly. wonder why. must be a big hint.

i need a big way to get problems out of my head. my circle of known people is probably the smallest around the whole school. my existence is probably the most questionable considering there are few pple who actually acknowledge that i exist. anyone got a de-problem-nator? i really really need to get issues out of my head.