reasons and errors: lost in doubt

probably the only reason why i still keep a blog is because i can't communicate. no one will understand me, so i have to internalize everything: pain, guilt, love, hate, a big bundle of emotions are tied to a weight and left to drop in the ocean of myself. and i've lost sight again. everywhere is whatever i cannot reach, being around people reminds me of who i am not, can never be but is what society expects of me.

the epiphany that struck me, was not a great idea...was the saddest idea ever. What if all i have been doing is just in vain? everyone is happy, why am i the only one who hates himself inside out, because i bring pain instead of happiness? am i the plague that hides itself as a cure? if i constantly look out for others, there must be nothing to look for in me. i don't need pple to dislike me or hate me, i can do that for them.

i don't want to be a burden. i see my friends have enough to worry about, i shouldn't add my weight to theirs. so why do i feel to heavy? i am not doing anything wrong, other than denying myself of a fantasy that cannot be fulfilled.

if i am not sad, why do i cry? if i do not feel pain, what is that stinging feeling? if i can move, why do i stand still? if i can talk, why can't i converse?

there are countless number of ways to approach this: i could be mad/insane, i could be depressed, i could be burnt out, or i could just be simply weird enough to do introspection to rip out my heart.

sanity is overrated, talent is overrated, arrogance is retarded, love is scary, being normal is underrated, humility is lost in the seas of falseness, reality is inverted, fantasy is burned on a stake, humanity was lost in war, music is buried in noise, art is mingled with trash.

i removed myself from others, some chose to remove themselves from me. i guess i am really a plague of craziness.

even if my life is a farce, i still wanted it to be meaningful...