feeling down out and beaten
maybe it becomes more prominent during the holidays, but i'm more than aware that i'm one of the LEAST popular people around ANYWHERE...that and that i'm really really dumb.
and i don't even know why i'm thinking such things! it just pops up in my head, and like every time i go anyway, i stick out like a sore thumb. i can't talk to people in my class cos i don't 1)play dota or wow or many mainstream games, 2)have a real avid interest in many sports, 3)have more 'normal' hobbies, 4)catch the latest news in school; which forms the basis of most conversations. i can't talk to people in youth cos 1)most of them don't even know my name or my existence(which is pretty much accepted that i don't exist), 2)i don't really fit in with any cliche group; which more or less ejects me from most conversations.
maybe beating myself up like this is a way of relieving stress...
i don't know, getting weird fears that anything i do just fails, and that i just make everything good bad just by being near it. not sure, but parts of everything that i know is breaking down and nothing sticks. i can't even find the pieces to fix them back. and then if you wait on everyone else, who will wait for you?
i don't know, what is more disturbing? that i type in metaphors that most of the time barely make sense? or that i don't know whats wrong or in some weird state of denial practically every time i think?
i've mentioned the stuff written in this post at least twice before, i don't even know why i still type them. maybe i just need to keep saying it just so that i don't pop my brain just thinking about it.
maybe i'm happy that i'm like this. i get to read comics and books, i get to study, i get to try out more normal hobbies from a time before computer gaming dominated the world's youth population. i enjoy less mainstream games that are by far the most adrenaline fun i had, sports that i might not get a chance to try elsewhere. a family and friends that support me and show me the right way. so i guess i can stand on two feet besides always being the one to watch people run ahead.
(a glimpse into the chaotic thinking process)
and i don't even know why i'm thinking such things! it just pops up in my head, and like every time i go anyway, i stick out like a sore thumb. i can't talk to people in my class cos i don't 1)play dota or wow or many mainstream games, 2)have a real avid interest in many sports, 3)have more 'normal' hobbies, 4)catch the latest news in school; which forms the basis of most conversations. i can't talk to people in youth cos 1)most of them don't even know my name or my existence(which is pretty much accepted that i don't exist), 2)i don't really fit in with any cliche group; which more or less ejects me from most conversations.
maybe beating myself up like this is a way of relieving stress...
i don't know, getting weird fears that anything i do just fails, and that i just make everything good bad just by being near it. not sure, but parts of everything that i know is breaking down and nothing sticks. i can't even find the pieces to fix them back. and then if you wait on everyone else, who will wait for you?
i don't know, what is more disturbing? that i type in metaphors that most of the time barely make sense? or that i don't know whats wrong or in some weird state of denial practically every time i think?
i've mentioned the stuff written in this post at least twice before, i don't even know why i still type them. maybe i just need to keep saying it just so that i don't pop my brain just thinking about it.
maybe i'm happy that i'm like this. i get to read comics and books, i get to study, i get to try out more normal hobbies from a time before computer gaming dominated the world's youth population. i enjoy less mainstream games that are by far the most adrenaline fun i had, sports that i might not get a chance to try elsewhere. a family and friends that support me and show me the right way. so i guess i can stand on two feet besides always being the one to watch people run ahead.
(a glimpse into the chaotic thinking process)
posted by Titus Leon at
9:45 PM
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