Time passes fast. A new post for a new me

Just thought i should come back here and update stuff, since my tumblr is now being watched by various people, and that i should stop being depressed 80% of the time.

Been a long time, blogspot. I've been through army, got promoted, pissed of several individuals who believe themselves above the law and everyone else. struggled and floundered again in a position of leadership. at best, i'm good at tanking work to allow the rest more free time. i guess i don't really know how to use a position of power to its max.

And flash forward a couple of months after i finish my service, and now i'm studying Medicine in UNSW. i've practically lost contact of all the army pple and for that matter everyone else i know in school.

new friendships made, new discoveries, disappointment and tons of depression, more new discoveries, some shaking of beliefs, some soul searching and constant emotion searching. several failures (not academically) and constant doubt.

already 2 terms have passed and the 3rd one is coming to an end. every other day i'm haunted by previous failures, then segway to how i can't seem to connect to anyone and how i'll never meet anyone expectations. some days i win, others i struggle to establish a balance.

So, like the fresh start i made with tumblr, here i make a fresh start/end to blogspot. I will be lonely for the foreseeable future. But i will not be miserable while watching everyone find their bliss. I will be lonely, not by choice, but because God knows when it is right and when i'm ready. Tearing away the bitterness will take time, but i'm sure one day i can move on beyond all my mistakes.

This might not be the last post here, but it will be the first for a new stage in my life, and hopefully a new me.

maybe when i'm finally not lonely will i do a actual penultimate post and close this blog.

life always goes on

i'm on off this week. much needed sleep can be gained back this week.

reflection today: expectations

I honestly hope no one expects much of me, because i know i do of some. A lot of times i expect my family to cut me some slack regarding small things. i expect my future girlfriend to be understanding of my weirdness. i expect competence out of my peers. Am i expecting too much?

When did i begin to expect so much of people? Why do i expect so much? How much is too much and how much is too little?

Should i be asking what happened to my carefree existence exactly one year ago? I'm sure i never expected anything out of army, I didn't care if i became officer, specialist or trooper. All i knew was if there was something to learn, just go all out; if my buddies wanted to hit the moon, i'll make sure i was there to give him a boost; if work needed to be done, i would help. One year later, i feel that i'm no longer that boy. I feel like a little beaten down, washed down version of that boy.

Sometimes i wonder, can time be reversed? I want to go back to the times when hope still rang loud in the sky, fun was always in grasp, when we ran freely in the sun through the sand towards to the horizon.

Am i expecting too much of myself? of life itself?

(end)

on a side note, some people say that army is the death reaper of relationships. I say folly. Its the people who make things break, like how only a person can murder another while the a gun merely shoots another. Humans just blame the most convenient thing. Don't expect too much of your other, just imagine army to be any other full-time job (well, army IS a full time job). It isn't like those puppydog loveydovey days in school, individual pain and worries. time together is limited, time apart extended, sometimes there is no time at all. you honestly can't expect him to surrender all his weekend to you, like how you don't like it when he's free but you got exams tomorrow and he bugs you. no excuse for either side to ignore any chances, sometimes you have to burn more to earn more. and if you two can pull through this two years, there is chance of more in the future, otherwise...

it sucks sometimes, having to watch others struggle, their worlds fall apart, but you can't be there to help pick up the pieces.

long time no see

i've been very busy the last....i lost count of the months and days.

honestly, i'm tired. i feel stressed, worried: about my application to university, my lack of much social life, arrgghhh. i don't really care about the social scene. i don't go clubbing (i have a hard time with blasting bass, it actually hurts a bit), i don't go pub-ing (i have poor alcohol tolerance), WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? i'm a bookworm through and through, leave me in a library. NO ONE AROUND ME READS COMICS. DUNGEON AND DRAGONS IS TURNING INTO THE WORST INVESTMENT OF TIME EVER. HONESTLY, PPLE WHO CONSIDER THIS TO BE A SOCIAL EVENT NEED TO CONSIDER IF TALKING ABOUT VOLUMES OF RULES AND FICTIONAL MONSTERS AND ETC. SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS CONVERSATION, IT"S MORE LIKE CONVERSING WITH A ENCYCLOPEDIA...THERE IS NO CONVERSATION.

STOP SHOUTING AT ME AS IF I BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BE LESS OF A SELFISH PROFITEERING BASTERD. HONESTLY, A GUY AFRAID BECOMING TAN IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING. A GRADUATE FROM AN ELITE SCHOOL CANNOT SLOW DOWN AND THINK, ASSUMING MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME AND EVERYONE ELSE. ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

HONESTLY, WHY BOTHER WITH A MOBILE PHONE IF YOU DON'T PICK UP? AND WHY BOTHER LISTENING IF YOU JUST RUSH TO HANG UP?

CHECK BACK, WRITE DOWN, SLOW DOWN, IS IT THAT HARD!?!?!

THERE IS NO POINT IN BEING INDECISIVE.

what i learnt so far, booksmart people (including myself) suck. WE SUCK. CAPITAL S,U,C,K; SUCK.

what i've seen so far: i've met smart pple who would cause dangers and revel in destruction. pple who need to punctuate sentences with physical threats, smart pple who are also selfish basterds. smart pple who have no direction and no purpose, smart pple who are more blur than a blank book. pple whose extravagant habits are extremely insensitive to others. pple with no common sense.

i have also seen the other end of the spectrum, pple who have shed sweat, blood alongside me, pulling me along while i was still dead weight. family who show undying support, brother and brothers who would pull me up and push me on. men who spur me on to greater heights.

i trust this as an avenue of last resort, because i don't know where else i can scream. i don't need to talk to another person, i just need to SCREAM into the air and let it all out. because in the end, there is no other person left in this world for me.

art update

haha, i still have time to draw....well, not really much time.

first up, hotaru from Samurai deeper kyo, looking distant (actually scene where he looks like this is during his past, so i modified and used his modern day hair style =minus ponytails)


next up was some random thing with the coffee beanies, some bitching involved in it
THIS IS BY FAIR MY MOST FAVOURITE (for obvious reason). First time drawing spiked hair and it looks fairly good. Ironically, my subsequent attempts looked worse. er, initial plan was that this guy is "immortal" or more accurately already dead, hence why a knife to the head would be ok (he's suppose to be smiling, too lazy to draw smile since i never drew eyes).


random cute guy i drew, i like him a lot.



and so that is the end for a while.

Life as it is now....its pretty short termed

Two important things:

1 FINALY FANTASY XIII HAS A ENGLISH TRAILER....AND THEY TALK FOR A DECENT 7 MINS

2. I GOT STOMACH PAINS FROM EATING TOOO MUCH

ok, signing off now.

Here and Back again, a long story

so i'm finally on a break. and in a few days time i'm going back in again.

and for some reason i'm addicted to the song "another way to die" by Alicia Keys and Jack White.

my msn messenger on my desktop does not work in tandem with my firefox (also doesn't help that i open many tabs on it too)

my mind is surprisingly clear despite all the events that happen over the last 3 months. lots of things happened in other pple's lives, while mine has remained stagnant.

finished two books by Malcolm Gladwell, highly recommend to read his books.

here's hoping my desktop doesn't die...none of the other coms in my house has the scanning software for the scanner.

Apologies for the year

so now i have to write a rushed apologies for the year.

i'm sorry that i've not been a good friend to all my friends
i'm sorry for avoiding problems that i should have addressed
i'm sorry for bringing problems to others when i shouldn't have (of which i am sure of at least one incident that was caused by me and still strains me and others)

and as the new year begins, i ask for your forgiveness which i still do not deserve.

This post goes out to all and one of my friends, of which they will know if they read. (unless my cryptic style is really so bad that no one understands)