Refusing to fall

i can't help but feel something missing....especially when around couples. i mean i should be completely normal, i've seen many couples, but it disturbs me sometimes. maybe i'm jealousy, who knows. maybe the thought has consumed my soul, nibbled a hole.

and so i fill it.

i cannot help but feel that i'm denying myself everything, in a bid to maintain who i am/was.
i cannot help but feel stupid, that i try so hard to achieve so little
i cannot help but feel put down when i work so hard, and only to achieve so little compared to others
i cannot help but feel sad that on the 14 of Feb, i will again spend it contemplating what i'm doing, why i'm 'alone', why i should be bothered.
i cannot help but feel dumb that i should be bothered by such trivial things
i cannot help but feel anti-social whenever i stand alone and distanced away from others
i cannot help but feel helpless for every problem that others face
i cannot help but feel scared and cower before my own problems
i cannot help but feel weak when others lay their strengths before me
i cannot help but feel alone in my problems

and that is why i ask for strength
strength to move on
strength to ignore my flaws
strength to battle my fears
strength to silence the darker side of me
strength to struggle to bring out the gentleman
strength to find my future in the palm of my hands

and so i refuse to lie down and roll over
instead i will strive on and settle my qualms
so that i can find peace with self, others and God
to end all that oppresses me
to end all that opposes me
to end all that tries to silence me
to end all that inhibits me
to end all that denies me my future

as a weak man, i can achieve nothing, but i pray, for i know the one i pray to has power over all.
and so i pray
amen

life goes on

well...its been a pretty rush week again...training, disappointment, happy times, crazy times. makes me wonder who i am, but after 2 secs i forget the question. i find it funny, cos of the pple who know and visit this place...i'm the only single person, and i'm the writer, just a fun fact.

Fun fact two: i got two empty- no line- notebooks for christmas. THANKS GUYS AND GALS. now i got spares.

got not much time to discuss about anything else now (though i really want comments on this character i'm developing), but i have to do hw. so sayonara.

first week

its been a crazy first week of school. That is mainly due to the rush of events, starting school on a Wednesday is not really advised. Wed was a rather boring day, lots of admin work and moving around. I just realized again that i'm a total klutz and idiot. Thursday was just random, spent practically the whole day out of class. had to revise old stuff and then catch back up again, not to mention i had to rush to get math hw since there weren't any extras left behind.Again i felt like a total idiot, whole school population left the building and i'm still there packing my bags. the couple from next door got a scare when i walked right into their class backdoor, couldn't even find my own class.Friday (today) was the another rush. got more hw for the weekend, and then rush to settle fencing publicity. that was probably the best thing of the whole, since some pple actually were interested and joined. and we saw a old face there, Han Yang apparently was among the crowd.

i guess i feel rather bad. with all this rush, i barely had time to talk to old friends. that would be song and kevin and christina and chai yi and dinesh and yuan hao and anyone i forgot to talk to.

worst of all, is that now i'm freaking out myself. i feel practically two pple when i'm fencing. i'm some hyper-active crazy boy when i'm fencing, yet the moment i enter class i'm back to quiet and slightly cynical. i think i'm just spazzing my brain out.

we covered some really disturbing topics in class today for biology. to cut the story short, i don't think you will see any of us jump into a river in the amazon any time soon.

Emotions. Something that define humanity. that and a conscience differentiate us from just a walking lump of bone and flesh. yet it births the hardest the understand concepts that the world has ever seen: Love, Happiness...why is it so hard to understand? its a complex thing, in comparison humans look like a single cell organism.I mean, come on. After all these years of deriving quantum physics, and the best the world can come up on the subject "Love" is that there is a chemical reaction. i think any person around can see the 'chemistry' in the subject already. Let's just face it, this is one area where reason and logic fail to come to any conclusion. This is where the black and white line form a blurry gray intersection.

i don't understand. my mind is as incoherent as this blog post. i can't think, not when i'm alone, not when i think. "I think, therefore I am"...i know i know, but i think it's more like "I think, therefore i have problems with who I am".