Refusing to fall

i can't help but feel something missing....especially when around couples. i mean i should be completely normal, i've seen many couples, but it disturbs me sometimes. maybe i'm jealousy, who knows. maybe the thought has consumed my soul, nibbled a hole.

and so i fill it.

i cannot help but feel that i'm denying myself everything, in a bid to maintain who i am/was.
i cannot help but feel stupid, that i try so hard to achieve so little
i cannot help but feel put down when i work so hard, and only to achieve so little compared to others
i cannot help but feel sad that on the 14 of Feb, i will again spend it contemplating what i'm doing, why i'm 'alone', why i should be bothered.
i cannot help but feel dumb that i should be bothered by such trivial things
i cannot help but feel anti-social whenever i stand alone and distanced away from others
i cannot help but feel helpless for every problem that others face
i cannot help but feel scared and cower before my own problems
i cannot help but feel weak when others lay their strengths before me
i cannot help but feel alone in my problems

and that is why i ask for strength
strength to move on
strength to ignore my flaws
strength to battle my fears
strength to silence the darker side of me
strength to struggle to bring out the gentleman
strength to find my future in the palm of my hands

and so i refuse to lie down and roll over
instead i will strive on and settle my qualms
so that i can find peace with self, others and God
to end all that oppresses me
to end all that opposes me
to end all that tries to silence me
to end all that inhibits me
to end all that denies me my future

as a weak man, i can achieve nothing, but i pray, for i know the one i pray to has power over all.
and so i pray
amen