day in and day out

another day in , another day out...rarely much has changed from the status co...except i screwed up and didn't study for a test i didn't know was today...so i'm gonna fail econs..again.. not that it was my best subject, in fact its my worst. so i was so sure i'm going focus camp, though not going would help actually.

so chem test came out quite well...though i lost marks for no reason...so careless.thankfully, this is my best subject.and i really studied.though maybe i could have done more...maybe i could say there were a couple of factors pushing me on.

and then i probably said something i should not...and the funny part this is both the most important and least important worry on my list...depending on which part of 'me' is looking at it.

sometimes, you wonder if i'm really doing the right thing? or am i just dreaming?

i wonder where the mature daniel went to? did i ever lose every bit of my personalities? are they sealed inside me? how did i lock them up and lose the key? maybe it was a good decision? but did i lock up good parts of me? did i try so hard to be accepted that i lost who i was? am i really not putting up a show? but it feels like i'm me...for once

have i lost sight? or have i found the path again?

well, i've found direction for my drawing, i have to put a pause on my demon arm story for a while i do hw and prepare for math test, and then when i do get back to drawing, i need to do character art for like...three characters for a fencing story and then back to my own characters.

one year older but not a day younger

well, it was quite an interesting birthday i had yesterday. Chai yi, Christina and Song suddenly held a small party near the new audi, with cake and candles and lots of pictures taken,some of which is me pigging out. cos the cake tastes quite nice, i'm quite reluctant to finish it off so soon.

well, apart from the party and the cakes, i got two more bday presents: my new blade i call Azurite (after its bluish look, anyway it goes well with my desktop which is called Azure Sky) and i used Azurite to beat ryan 15-11...though now its a little harder to get back up to that standard.

all that is left is the promise. but the more i think about it, the more insecure i become. should i do it now? or wait for later? i'm not constantly feeling like i'm gonna burst,sometimes i do feel like i should just take the plunge but something i feel i will never be able to live it up, and that makes me hesitate more and think twice of consequences.

Feeling High

ate too many eclairs...

so here are the random one-liners

Kira will kill for Justice!
Light will eat for a happy place!
Misa will date for Kira!
Wammi will Wham you!

bwahahahaha....(rolling on the floor)

(rainbow) says:
hmm ok daniel
control. moderation. [Medea's Chorus]

No Thumbs Up

ok, been one hell of a week. trying to salvage it tomorrow, not only for myself but for others.

been a little relieved since the last post, a lot of things have happened between then and now. i'm not sure about everything, but hiding things have never been my good point. now that the people i've been hiding from know, its a little relieving.

i got myself an early birthday present: A NEW FOIL (to replace the one that broke during the competition) its a bit better quality than the one that broke, so it'll hopefully last longer.

i always say "my foil is like a substitute girlfriend"...well...considering i don't have a real girlfriend, so taking my blade to training is like taking it out, so it more or less qualifies. as long as it doesn't die on me.

I NEARLY BEAT RYAN...still lost to him 15-11, dang. was catching up and then just died...dang. anyway, any victory over ryan would be kind of bittersweet, regarding the promise i made to myself...

despite all the administrative stuff i've been put through, i'm surprisingly a bit uplifted in the end. no idea, i haven't really done anything special today, nothing special done to me, so i can't really explain why i feel not so emo and down today. really.

beyond fatigue

i'm sure by now most of the pple who read this blog knows, TEAM AC WON GOLD FOR A DIV FENCING ~FOIL~!!! ok celebration over,i'm glad something snapped into place when i started fencing team, somehow everything seemed more possible and easier, not to mention more fun. THANKS FENCERS FROM RJC,ACJC,CJC,HCI for letting us fence you guys, was really a great experience.

and now i'm trying to pick up the pieces of my academic history. and also trying to avoid myself. i'm sure the bout of lethargy i'm facing is not from just overworking and late nights, it's probably from the conflict my mind and heart present. logically thinking, what i want is not what i can get,always being out of reach...yet now something keeps telling me to try harder for that little hope. suppressing both feelings of the unachievable and desire takes its toll on my sanity sometimes. hope is no longer a pushing factor, it's a pulling factor making me stumble and bothers me over senseless issues. for some weird reason, i'm such a fool;pple have told me to just try, and pple have laughed at me. i tie myself up in randomness to avoid the issue, i run into silence to cower away from its noise,and time and time again it haunts me for my decisions.

i am indecisive? or just reclusive? or a complete idiot?

can i see the means to the end? can i make it true?

i know several years back, i stopped wanting gifts for my birthday. but with it around the corner and this confusion...i was hoping for two things, i forgot one of them[edit: i just remembered, an eyeshine album], but the other more important one is still stuck in my head. i know there is like negligible chance that it will come true, and even if it does, i doubt i can maintain the wish...but i rather be wishing and disappointed at my own lack of action than never ever wishing for it. i would rather feel the pain of never seeing it but had kept the hope than losing hope from the start.

i must be contradicting myself again, cos i know none of this makes sense...being cryptic and all. i know a few of you will understand, and for that i'm grateful for your understanding. pretty much afraid that who i am will screw up any chance for anything...or anyone...

more and more i realize how messed up i am...and then i look forward and think "crap, there is no way i can do it...not now...not ever" but a voice from inside "who cares who i am, i can change to be better, i have been like that and have always moved forward, what stops me from doing this task?" which leaves me stunned cos i know the next step will either break or make me...and now i cannot make the step, i know that there is no requirement of me, yet i know i am either ready to make the next step or am just too stupid to make the next step...

i've lost my ability to make some witty comment, cos if my soul screams out, my heart were to run away, i would lose all sight and just fall..in the end, your mind can only let us do so much, your heart will push you on, and your soul will cement your position.