mooney rhymes with looney

Spider-man (on moon knight's mental state) "mooney rhymes with looney"

i must be a bit looney and fresh out of ideas, because i seriously can't believe i'm going to use war trivia to justify semantics and colloquial language. i am really out of ideas.

and my parents are back from Timor Leste. wanted to go also, but school got exams after hols...that sucks (having exams just after hols, and missing a trip overseas)

i also note that my tagboard has been 'hijacked' by crazy advertisers, who (like those bank pple who call me to advertise about a credit card) are wasting their time. seriously, i don't even spurge on anything (yet) so i don't really need either.

maybe after exams i might actually have something to spend money on. but up to then, technology is moving really slowly, not many great games, firefox got a new update which is great (not that it really needed one, but now it looks and works better than the previous version, and the previous one was great), i'm indulging in comics like ultimate spider-man again (which is fun). maybe after exams i go find the second-hand bookstore and spurge on foxtrots comics!

i miss the old days, i mean when i was still in primary school. a bit easier, lots of mistakes i could have altered, 'change' the future. but there is that egging voice at the back of my mind (its the good voice) that tells me to see the present and what i would lose if i changed or remained in the past. maybe i like/hate the present, its a complex relationship.

on the lighter side, i just saw a clip of Avenue Q on the Royal Variety Performance. Made my laugh my head off, how many pple in Singapore watch Muppets and Sesame Street and then Avenue Q? i for one never managed to actually watched the Muppets, but i'm a fan of Jim Henson and Kermit the frog and many sesame street muppets.cookie monster is my eating guru, big bird and snufflenuapagus(can't spell name, he's the mammoth), grover is like the klutz big hearted person, and elmo is the eternally young child. Avenue Q is like Sesame Street for Adults. this particular clip has one really funny aspect, the puppets actually swear IN FRONT OF THE QUEEN (censored in the clip, though largely audible)!!! (one of the puppets later appears to actually address that fact). (another clip from their appearance in a charity show for children has them toning down the vulgarity, from f*** to s***, again censored on the clip)

so, i'm off going to find a metal iron tortoise and a potato masher that has more in common with a pomegranate that is made of metal seeds.


p.s. in case that was too abstract, i was referring to a tank and the kind of grenades used by Germans during WWII (the shaft/stick grenade). a grenade derives its name from the French word for pomegranate.

being a friend

the good part about being a friend: all your problems are shared

the bad time to be a friend: when the other person doesn't recognize you as a individual and/or friend.

but we still do the job anyway.

maybe that's why the world is a bitter place sometimes. you don't treat others as better than you, as a peer or beyond. you treat them as underlings. thats why everyone is sooooo bitter and angry. because when you discover that this 'underling' is actually better than you, you lose composure and go mad and angsty.

and sometimes the answer to all our questions are right in front of us, but we don't see them. thats why we need friends, they will place a sign right where we will notice it to show us the way to the answers, some would even take the answer and bring it to you.

but friends are also people too. they need their own time and space and have their own questions to answer. its a mutual relationship that needs to be established.


(you see, when i'm NOT thinking properly, i come up with all this more normal thoughts, and i don't go emo. i need a new hobby after fencing...)

feeling down out and beaten

maybe it becomes more prominent during the holidays, but i'm more than aware that i'm one of the LEAST popular people around ANYWHERE...that and that i'm really really dumb.

and i don't even know why i'm thinking such things! it just pops up in my head, and like every time i go anyway, i stick out like a sore thumb. i can't talk to people in my class cos i don't 1)play dota or wow or many mainstream games, 2)have a real avid interest in many sports, 3)have more 'normal' hobbies, 4)catch the latest news in school; which forms the basis of most conversations. i can't talk to people in youth cos 1)most of them don't even know my name or my existence(which is pretty much accepted that i don't exist), 2)i don't really fit in with any cliche group; which more or less ejects me from most conversations.

maybe beating myself up like this is a way of relieving stress...

i don't know, getting weird fears that anything i do just fails, and that i just make everything good bad just by being near it. not sure, but parts of everything that i know is breaking down and nothing sticks. i can't even find the pieces to fix them back. and then if you wait on everyone else, who will wait for you?

i don't know, what is more disturbing? that i type in metaphors that most of the time barely make sense? or that i don't know whats wrong or in some weird state of denial practically every time i think?

i've mentioned the stuff written in this post at least twice before, i don't even know why i still type them. maybe i just need to keep saying it just so that i don't pop my brain just thinking about it.

maybe i'm happy that i'm like this. i get to read comics and books, i get to study, i get to try out more normal hobbies from a time before computer gaming dominated the world's youth population. i enjoy less mainstream games that are by far the most adrenaline fun i had, sports that i might not get a chance to try elsewhere. a family and friends that support me and show me the right way. so i guess i can stand on two feet besides always being the one to watch people run ahead.

(a glimpse into the chaotic thinking process)

dreams

something i hadn't really have for a long time...dreams. probably due to a hectic slping time during term time, but now i starting to have dreams again.

the first dream was so realistically unrealistic. i had some of my classmates over in my house playing marvel ultimate alliance. except that it wasn't ultimate alliance (cos there wasn't a cutscene where iron man and hulk talked to each other) and it wasn't my current house. i apparently lived on the roof of a shopping mall, a terrace house on top of mall. and the front door was on the second floor, and it lead to a spiral staircase that lead all the ways down to another floor and the ground floor. so i left the room, and went down until i met a friend on the stairs. she handed me my dad's car keys, and then my dad popped up on a higher floor asking for the keys. i threw up them but they fell to the ground and the ring that held the keys together broke. i asked my friend to watch the keys while i ran down. i reached and put the keys together and thats when the dream ended.

the second dream was just crazy. i dreamed that TMNT had just used my house as a last stand position against the foot. a lot of fighting and teleporting. and interesting enough, the turtles present were leonardo, mikey, raph, raph future, but not don.

if dreams had meaning, i have no clue what any of these mean.

subcultures of students

the culture of students is rather obvious: we study, we learn, we take exams, we get results. nothing really complicated. but thats when the subculture takes effect.

i know there is a lot of articles about "snobbish" behaviour in schools...and i hate to say they are always true, and thankfully at the same time they are wrong. you cannot group students of the same school into the same group of behaviour, i'm certain that out of a population size that big, there has to be plenty of deviation from the 'norm' or 'snob'.

so basically, why do people pick on this 'snob' behaviour? simple: IT'S DISGUSTING! seriously, it is like "Animal Farm" reproduced, "all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others". ridiculous.

so what is a snobbish behaviour? its like rich-kid syndrome. too much free cash. not paying attention in class? tuition; new com? why go for a normal working desktop, go for extreme 'cool' (despite having the practicality of a peanut). and there is phrase i heard over and over in sec3 and sec4: go to sch to get taught, so you pay teachers to teach.

first of all, its a privilege to go to school. no matter how boring and dry it is, it is still a privilege to go to school (just think of history, when schools first started). teachers are not obliged to teach, they are called to share their accumulated knowledge, and are paid to compensate the fact that they could have gotten better paying jobs outside if they didn't became teachers. WE as students are obliged to listen to what they share with us, to learn as much as we can from their experience.

then there is the issue of practicality. somethings in the world was just made to be a white elephant, with as much daily use as how a nut can feed you for years (aka the use can be counted in miliseconds); others have so practical, you cannot go without it(aka its use can be measured in years). when you finally realize how fragile life is, you understand the money and the most expensive items mean nothing. your mac air can only last you years, but a strong friendship will stretch beyond your death. a good house will last you through your lifetime, but good children will last one generation and will have impact on future generations.

you can look this way and see many snobs. but look another way, and you'll always find their antithesis: the students who are truly students. academic honesty, a RIGHT SENSE OF MIND to observe certain things like individual work. thats not to say we donated our souls to get a 4.0GPA, i'm sure many of us have times enjoyed some good stuff like good food, a new gadget. but they're not show offs. there is the lack of a narcissistic need to be the center of the world.

i think there are several things that define who we are, one of them is our actions. just think about what you've been doing and you'll see how much the pple around you can influence you. i'm certain there was at least a period of time this year alone when i was snobbish, and i regret doing what i did then. in retrospect, it was stupid and achieved nothing.

so why do we worry if we don't get the newest 'toys'? there is no lack of happiness, i've been playing with the same lego set since i was born, never grew sick of it. (i still have them under my bed, my cousin treats them like treasure)

money cannot buy happiness.

worth

today's topic "worth" is brought to you by the letters W, O, R, T, H, and the number 5!

arguably, it must be one of the hardest things to quantify: worth. and of course defining 'worth' is another trouble: worth to others? worth to society? self-worth?

after the simple task of deciding on what worth depicts, you have to wonder: do you have worth? are you worthy of the task assigned or the dream you always want?

i cannot conclude, just how much i am worthy of: of attention, of supervision, of love, of hate. its no longer the issue of being under-appreciated, but of over-appreciation. what if i'm not what people expect me to be? what if i cannot live up to their expectations? what if i practically don't exist because i am relatively low-profile in almost all areas of my life?

just becos i never participated in science competitions doesn't mean i don't have a avid (though rather idealistic) interest in science. i fear that i will lose out eventually, cos i don't have such pedigree in such areas. doesn't mean i never tried, doesn't mean i'm horrible at it. doesn't mean i never took an IQ test my whole life that i have horrible IQ (i'm personally too lazy to actually sit through one). but thats all the world wants to see, results and grades. the intangible cannot be quantified and for most cases the intangible goes largely ignored. makes you wonder why anyone brought up in such a society would risk neck and limb for others? because that is what defines a person: not only what he does for himself, but more importantly what he does for others, and what he does that no one sees.

what he does himself shows his potential in his growth and his motivation that drives him to achieve it. what he does for others shows external concern for his peers. what he does that no one sees truly determines what kind of person he is.

If he grumbles about others behind their backs, there is not much to trust about him is there? you can make him happy, but once you make him angry, he'll badmouth you to kingdom come while you're not in the same room.

If his actions contradict what he does for others, then he's a hypocrite. you can't trust him because he's just putting up a show for others.

If he is truly a gentleman, then you'll won't see much difference. he is what he was in front of others, he is not hiding anything, consistently putting others before himself.

but these are like intangible qualities that not many get time to analyze.

then what is worth if you can't seem to match up to expectations? what if i don't think i can meet goal and find the courage to do anything? what if gaining self-esteem is like fighting a losing battle? when false confidence stumbles into cocky behaviour and eventually a screwed up personality?

(i rather continue, but i realize of something more important to say)
so i simply conclude that i cannot find my worth...not enough...it always fall short of everything.