dear diary

well, lets not be too unhappy, i did make it past 1st sem alive. though maybe sooner or later i'll wish i didn't.

maybe i'm in denial or something, but my brain doesn't want to work with anything i'm doing. sure, its taking in information, but apparently its not keeping it or letting me have access to it when i want it.

maybe being around pple who are way smarter than you stresses you out. maybe there is a theory that will explain everything about harmful effects of stress on a body. and then maybe i'll find out why my heart beats so fast in school. seriously 16 beats per 10 second is like 4 beats faster than the average person in my class. and it doesn't respond well to stimulus like bloody hot chili, or scary pictures. but it does respond to excerise (which it jumps to like 21 beats per 10 seconds), and to external stresses (like lets say, two teachers standing around?) (which it jumps from like 60+ beats per minute to almost 100)

and then of course, there is the rolling chaos that is my life. it likes to increase entropy even when i want it to decrease.

so tired...maybe i might just fall one day...maybe.

it was always about the "maybe"s

the round about

well, i managed to salvage of what little of my life i have left back.

though i'm fatigued, and i think i'm burning out. and i'm thinking recent events might soon continue on further.i have the gut feeling; its either that or i'm hungry again.

going to the nut house

i've really been pushed off the edge...i can't think straight, i have moments of 'evilness', all the craziness just growing up in the cracks. and now i'm falling back into a identity/personality crisis.

i just said that i'm a lousy friend...which really sadly is a really sad fact. i know i've said it before, but this time it really has meaning. and it really hurts. i highly doubt this will improve much...

in the meanwhile, i'll go find a corner. need to go hide in the shadow or something. and making sure that in the few days of solace i can find what's left of me.

the 100th post

my 100th post. suppose to be happy and lively and full of lame jokes.

if you think you can get that, i'm sorry, turn off your computer now.

my week turned from good to ridiculously rotten...

oh yeah, the sch's rugby team won gold, great, i feel happy for them. and then my life just went down from then on.

mending pieces won't do this time. and i didn't do anything this time, though maybe because i didn't do anything that it became my fault. yet i didn't start the problem, someone else did and now i'm implicated in it.

is there a reason why people with good intentions always have their plans backfired? is there a reason why nice people always suffer worse?

it sucks, when just being there creates problems.

sometimes i wonder, whether it is possible to just fade away, from life, memory and time. but that's just a fantasy and i can't live in that.

life must suck if you hate yourself

well, life must suck if you hate yourself...can't get any simpler than that.

New feeling

so this would be the new layout for a LONG while. credit to the pple who created it (see credit section)

and also, i revived my tagboard...cos it originally died. i have to code and previous layouts prevented me from implanting it. so now i have a layout that has, due to popular demand (of like...11, which is basically all the people who view this blog) the TAG BOARD HAS MADE A Grand and sudden RETURN!

also returning for the second season is the LINKS SECTIONS, which previously was completely lost and outdated. NOW IT IS NEW, IMPROVED, AND FULL OF PUNS.

you might see small changes here and there, but this is how it will be for a long time to come.

so enjoy.

PS: for any body who has searched this blog by typing "Jonathan Leong" into google... if you are looking for the Singapore Idol contestant J.Leong, pls remember that he has no younger brother...and that my older brother would like you to send your fan-mail to the right jonathan leong. thanks

Conviction

no matter what you do, do it with your best: that is the essence of conviction. you have to carry out your burden to the end of the world if need be, but you have to see the end of it. conviction, the unstoppable motivation that drives you to achieve. conviction, the desire to finish the beginning you wrote, to complete the story.

today, i walked to piano class when this guy popped up of anywhere. i was half-awake and this guy kept going on about his entrepreneurship competition and how he had to raise $15 from $1. However, if you look at his product, you'll be severely disappointed. this dude showed me that he folded paper clips in to hearts. Sincerely, that ticked me off. this guy first shows up, talks nonstop about this without even getting acknowledgment from me that i'm actually trying to give him attention (which i was trying not to), then he cuts me off from my direct route to piano and makes me walk this circle to try to get around him, which results in him cutting me off. i wasn't even making eye contact, my eyes were focused on trying to find a spot where i won't step on him while i move RIGHT (which was the direction he was blocking)

secondly, while i'll give that guy credits for courage and for being in the spirit of an entrepreneur, i am not convinced that whatever he wants me to pay for the clips is worth it...no conviction whatsoever (in fact, i didn't get a chance to hear it, i got so tired of hearing him i quickly spouted out words and walked off)

so that my share of boring afternoon...

the morning might be quite bad...considering how i went out...i couldn't catch a word of the message...seriously, maybe there is a reason why Moses' childhood wasn't mentioned (though the point that maybe God put him there to get the best education of his time might be highly valid)...was lost on several of the speaker's points, some were speculations. i guess the right conclusion is that God does thing in mysterious way that we cannot grasp, and we should let it run, cos seriously what God does never screws up and is always for a purpose.

you can also tell from the conclusion i made that i spent little time listening and more time reading.

and so lets end

happy mother's day

back to the main program of running a teen brain...