beyond fatigue

i'm sure by now most of the pple who read this blog knows, TEAM AC WON GOLD FOR A DIV FENCING ~FOIL~!!! ok celebration over,i'm glad something snapped into place when i started fencing team, somehow everything seemed more possible and easier, not to mention more fun. THANKS FENCERS FROM RJC,ACJC,CJC,HCI for letting us fence you guys, was really a great experience.

and now i'm trying to pick up the pieces of my academic history. and also trying to avoid myself. i'm sure the bout of lethargy i'm facing is not from just overworking and late nights, it's probably from the conflict my mind and heart present. logically thinking, what i want is not what i can get,always being out of reach...yet now something keeps telling me to try harder for that little hope. suppressing both feelings of the unachievable and desire takes its toll on my sanity sometimes. hope is no longer a pushing factor, it's a pulling factor making me stumble and bothers me over senseless issues. for some weird reason, i'm such a fool;pple have told me to just try, and pple have laughed at me. i tie myself up in randomness to avoid the issue, i run into silence to cower away from its noise,and time and time again it haunts me for my decisions.

i am indecisive? or just reclusive? or a complete idiot?

can i see the means to the end? can i make it true?

i know several years back, i stopped wanting gifts for my birthday. but with it around the corner and this confusion...i was hoping for two things, i forgot one of them[edit: i just remembered, an eyeshine album], but the other more important one is still stuck in my head. i know there is like negligible chance that it will come true, and even if it does, i doubt i can maintain the wish...but i rather be wishing and disappointed at my own lack of action than never ever wishing for it. i would rather feel the pain of never seeing it but had kept the hope than losing hope from the start.

i must be contradicting myself again, cos i know none of this makes sense...being cryptic and all. i know a few of you will understand, and for that i'm grateful for your understanding. pretty much afraid that who i am will screw up any chance for anything...or anyone...

more and more i realize how messed up i am...and then i look forward and think "crap, there is no way i can do it...not now...not ever" but a voice from inside "who cares who i am, i can change to be better, i have been like that and have always moved forward, what stops me from doing this task?" which leaves me stunned cos i know the next step will either break or make me...and now i cannot make the step, i know that there is no requirement of me, yet i know i am either ready to make the next step or am just too stupid to make the next step...

i've lost my ability to make some witty comment, cos if my soul screams out, my heart were to run away, i would lose all sight and just fall..in the end, your mind can only let us do so much, your heart will push you on, and your soul will cement your position.