Silence Of Sadness (S.O.S in case you didn't get it)

i've been like that pretty much for two whole weeks. i can't find the source, i just feel lousy. everything doesn't fit, horrible drawing for bio test, forgetting equations for chem test; i seek my answer in solitude, but in this same silence it mocks me. i don't fit in, yet i long to be accepted, even though i know i'll fail. why,why,WHY?!

i'm beginning to start my distancing, it conflicts with human nature to improve among others, but right now i'm not really good company, and i'm afraid of things i can do when i'm not with a sound mind.

probably my main reason for this depression is my complete inability to understand my emotions. i don't understand anything going on with it. and because of that, i don't know how to respond every time it changes.

then there is the complete failure that is my life.i don't even know where to start with this one, it just started falling apart piece by piece, and now i'm hanging on desperately, hoping God can help me glue them back before the mirror that reflects my life shatters and is swept away by time. i don't know who i am anymore, hopelessly watching life go by: the tragedy that springs sorrow, the romance of others that is love, the friendship that i can no longer reclaim, the ignorance that is me, the future that is everyone else...there is no end to what i cannot see, what i cannot hope to find, what i have to seek eternal.

the irony of thought- through it, we have found knowledge, wisdom and to some extent maturity; but from it spawns self-doubt, fear. i cannot give it up, and even if i tried to abandon it, it clings to me unwilling to leave.

as i walk home alone, in the shadows of my mind it beckons; as i close my eyes, it stares down into my soul; as i sleep, it fills my dreams with nightmares. how can you fight a force that understands you more than yourself...