Valentine's Day
i'll probably never get a chance to blog this on the day itself, so i thought i might as well blog it now since i'm stuck doing ee.
its an open fact: i dislike valentine's day. the reason i believe shouldn't be hard to guess either. and for as hardworking as i am, with all the resources i've read, i have no clue what love is. when a guy does not understand love, he will not be able to understand valentine's day.on that day, i look around and everyone is so busy with their better half, sometimes it makes me feel lonely and left out. and i know that a lot of people in school are attached, most of the people i know are attached, so i know i'm gonna be pretty much talking to myself again(like i do every year).maybe thats why i do what i do to fill up gaps in my life, maybe that why i tell lame jokes all day during fencing, maybe that why i don't like going to the sac even more this two years, maybe i'm just jealous...
i tried to run away from this feeling of depravity; i tried to start something new for the day, something i could look forward to, something maybe so that i won't have to be lonely. but even in the end it was a flop (or more rather it was a stillborn).
maybe i have issues, living in my own fantasy world, trying hard to live up to a dream that can never come true. maybe i just am being to harsh to myself;maybe i'm just being truthful and preventing further hurt to myself. maybe because i always want to know everything, by nature i'll fail in this area. maybe because i try too hard to succeed, i am bound to fail.
how do you justify an action done by yourself which in the end only punishes yourself? how do you justify selflessness till it reaches no end?how do you justify the opportunity cost i constantly give up? who stands to gain after all i have done? what do i miss after all has settled? why is there sadness in me? i should be happy. it is always this season, when everything bites into me, it's a hindrance. how do you hide pain? you smile.
i have to get this out, because i have no other place to leave it. emotional baggage will only drag me down, anyone who knows me well enough for me to openly discuss this have too much to carry already. here i can just drop and run, i don't even know how many people actually check on this blog regularly enough to see each post, i don't even know if i have more than 4 people reading this blog.
i don't want to carry this trouble with me, it spoils my mood, it spoils my day. i can't stop people from public display of affection,from annoying display of annoyance...so just let me have a troubled hidden cry here, where i can safely shed a few tears for myself, and then learn to stand out of self-pity.
and for those reading this, have a happy valentine's day.
p.s i've learned how to be happy in pple's joy, so just go and be happy.
its an open fact: i dislike valentine's day. the reason i believe shouldn't be hard to guess either. and for as hardworking as i am, with all the resources i've read, i have no clue what love is. when a guy does not understand love, he will not be able to understand valentine's day.on that day, i look around and everyone is so busy with their better half, sometimes it makes me feel lonely and left out. and i know that a lot of people in school are attached, most of the people i know are attached, so i know i'm gonna be pretty much talking to myself again(like i do every year).maybe thats why i do what i do to fill up gaps in my life, maybe that why i tell lame jokes all day during fencing, maybe that why i don't like going to the sac even more this two years, maybe i'm just jealous...
i tried to run away from this feeling of depravity; i tried to start something new for the day, something i could look forward to, something maybe so that i won't have to be lonely. but even in the end it was a flop (or more rather it was a stillborn).
maybe i have issues, living in my own fantasy world, trying hard to live up to a dream that can never come true. maybe i just am being to harsh to myself;maybe i'm just being truthful and preventing further hurt to myself. maybe because i always want to know everything, by nature i'll fail in this area. maybe because i try too hard to succeed, i am bound to fail.
how do you justify an action done by yourself which in the end only punishes yourself? how do you justify selflessness till it reaches no end?how do you justify the opportunity cost i constantly give up? who stands to gain after all i have done? what do i miss after all has settled? why is there sadness in me? i should be happy. it is always this season, when everything bites into me, it's a hindrance. how do you hide pain? you smile.
i have to get this out, because i have no other place to leave it. emotional baggage will only drag me down, anyone who knows me well enough for me to openly discuss this have too much to carry already. here i can just drop and run, i don't even know how many people actually check on this blog regularly enough to see each post, i don't even know if i have more than 4 people reading this blog.
i don't want to carry this trouble with me, it spoils my mood, it spoils my day. i can't stop people from public display of affection,from annoying display of annoyance...so just let me have a troubled hidden cry here, where i can safely shed a few tears for myself, and then learn to stand out of self-pity.
and for those reading this, have a happy valentine's day.
p.s i've learned how to be happy in pple's joy, so just go and be happy.
posted by Titus Leon at
9:02 PM
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