thinking lonely thoughts

it is when i'm alone that i realise a few major points

one, i can't hate anyone. i can't tell if its a subconscious thing, or because i'm really forgetful, but i can barely hold a grudge against someone. maybe because there is always some goodness in everyone. maybe i just can't remember properly

two, i hate myself. its really funny that ,in ways i can't describe, i can't hate someone else, but then immediately say 'i hate myself' and probably go rambling why and how. due to the MANY (capital for emphasis) personality makeovers i had, not to mention subconscious absorption of characteristics, i have almost loss all sense of who i am/was. not that i don't remember who i was, but i don't remember how i behaved. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies and quirks, but i completely can't remember mine (which brings up irony 2, because i can remember your quirks, if i hang out with you long enough). and over time, through what i shall call "the reformation of the person", i have reemerged a slightly better human, though with one minor problems: i can hear the voices of these 'old/submerged' personalities. so if i talk to myself, its not that i talk to myself, because to me it feels like a conference with 2 other people. this really becomes prevalent when it is not questions about sch work, but personal questions. The one voice that is really annoying is the most peer-influence, mtv-ized personality (it also happens to be the most violent and aggressive). he/me prompts me to do things, outrageous and risky. he/me tries to fulfill ridiculous world-enforced ideals (about bgr, about life) which often clash with what i believe(though when it comes to faith, he/me just sticks with the 'confuse-daniel' mode). maybe he's just a inner-manifestation of what my darker desire/emotions, but i hate him/me