the days after TOP-day

well, that was one stressful week...

i felt that tok presentation was neatly done. Justin proportioned the sections nicely so it was more or less evenly split...just that i should have tried to answer the judges questions more, which was my biggest flaw.

i felt that if i had said something back then, it would have been in opposite of my co-presenter...i mean, i'm an idealist, i have ideas, not realism. well the ideas would seem interesting on paper, they would make crappy politics or international laws.

then was math portfolio, i'm sure i left something out...but i've worked hard for it, worked all night for it. still don't understand how girls can stay awake the whole night...i know at least 2 girls who went the entire night without much sleep. ironically, i'm like hyper-the-energizer-bunny-with-a-smiling-face the next day in sch, while most of the class is still typing and printing. of course, one bus ride later and watching transformers twice and i'm ready to kiss the pillow. slept 12 hours, from 7pm to 7am, to awake from a dream that was going bad.

talking about transformers, bumblebee was the funniest autobot with his drive-on shoot-rage. and there was one scene where mega fox look distinctly like another actress (must be the hair style and)...and shia running away from scary megaton robots (conincidentally called megaTrON...megatron=megaton+r)...reminds me of a poster i saw on the net called inspiration, showing shia running away from one decepticon,(the catch phrase was "cause i sure don't know a better reason to run").watched it twice cos it was just worth watching them battle it out, i'm a trans-fan.also cos shia was the nerd underdog that i'm rooting for and megan fox is hot (but these are side benefits to the main attraction, which is Optimus Prime and his showdown, though i felt maybe it was too one-sided and short).

also listened to the commentary by the director, at which i impressed at the level of realism he has to keep to,and the stuff he managed to rope into the show, including all the vehicles and high tech equipment. and of course i'm more impressed when he explains how they did that 'scorpianox' (can't figure how to spell name) scene with the earth mimic the effect of the decepticon underground tunneling, explosives under the ground timed and controlled by them to explode one after the next to create the wave. can you imagine the actors after the director told them the situation and that they must NOT fall while running..seriously dangerous stuff, but i'm sure you've seen the effect, was bloody COOL.

ok, nerding out for a while. but because of math and tok, i've not had a good week. one area of my life (academics) seemingly passed uneventfully, but the rest of my life still falls. now i have to catch up further cos the fencing season is back in. and i'm wondering after i stop fencing, will i be able to piece my life back together?

not-so-funny titles

obviously noted by the title, this post is suppose to be humorous, because i can't decide what the root of my emotional problems are...so i'm avoiding the question.

so here goes, potential 'titles':
Ultimate Slacker (sounds like a super hero...haha)
Master of Procrastination
Jack of No Trade, Master of None
Budding artist (so soon you'll see me on a tree growing)
The Imaginative (sounds like "The Initiative")

well, if you got any good funny ones, do add a comment. because i'm the lame kind, can't tell a good joke to save my life.

i have emotional problems.to be exact, i have problems understanding emotions felt mostly due to the fact that i spent a couple of years dissociating it from my life, so now it's quite foreign to me. i live by reason for a time period, a result of which created a totally rational persona which in the end was harsher than anything else.

fiddling with homework, not making much progress.

drawing eyes are a pain in the ...eye.

drawing stances with attitude is a bit lacking in style and perspective, not to mention head.

i'm so happy! managed to finally pull up my english grade for the test back to 18/25. now i need to maintain this standard which will be a little hard. and of course the 5 econs IA i have to finish, my EE to improve, my TOK draft to continue.homework is always endless

somehow, these days, i lose inspiration to write...something prevents me from doing anything...

left behind...or at least out

day events:piano grade 6 practical exam, fencing training, home. managed to beat ryan once in 5 point bout, but he wasn't serious and he beat me later in another 5 point bout, so i guess i still keep my promise. (though i managed to actually start countering a bit better...though still bad)

night thoughts: ever wonder if the world keeps secrets from you? well, you're not alone. i'm wrecked by the fact that i know many events happen, many the explain things i see and yet i'm usually never hearing it, even if i'm indirectly involved. the paranoid feeling creeps in and amplifies any sense of being left out.

and of course there is the complete opposite in which i know something and i'm not sure if i tell pple of it will it help the person involved or just hurt.

secrets are a messy concept, one way makes pple hyper-paranoid and causes much of the common problems (the other main source is stereotyping). the other way makes first harder and yet make the situation hard for anybody.

so when is it right to learn or tell? when is it not right? moral and ethical?

sometimes i think its because i distance myself that pple are paranoid of me, maybe because of the years of things stored in me i am paranoid that i'll hurt someone unintentionally, or that because i know too much, i've become paranoid, a study of human reaction.

maybe i distance myself because i'm not sure and don't want to answer these questions.

how do you run away from yourself? how do you understand another? how can i help someone when i can't help myself?

it's like staring at pple's back (not that i do that...its an analogy), after a while, all you can do is look as pple go forward while you're stuck behind. you can't see forward, you protect the shadows. but after a while, does the loneliness ever crack the one running with his back to front.

i'm sorry if i perpetually sound depressed...maybe i am, i'm not too certain myself. but every time i start typing, everything starts bubbling up...all my fears, paranoia. i'm not too certain how i feel towards anything, how i am...i'm barely self-conscious sometimes.

(blank stare)

i'm sorry, where was i? oh, today's events...

nervous multicellular mass

ahhh...piano exam in two days!!!!fingers not working well, mind not focused, thinking about too many things, too many things on mind. ahhhhh!

i really can't focus...my mind keeps changing topics every other minute, making hard to really think about something. and not to mention several unimportant subjects (not talking about my studies-subjects)...so i really wish i wasn't as old as i am and that i was a bit more normal.

the irony of the term "everyone is special" is that the world makes it such that when being "special" is "in", everyone wants to be "in" that "special" and it ain't "unique" anymore...so if you're not "in", then actually you're more "unique" than you think. wait...that didn't come out as well as i planned. crap, i can't even put together a meaningful statement anymore.

the thing is, i'm not considered in the "in/going" crowd (not to be confused with ingoing crowd who would be moving into a structure). i keep my senses aware(not to be mistaken with awake, cos i'm usually asleep), and yet i'm always out of the loop of information (not to be confused with THE LOOP or big whoop). every now and then i'm still acknowledged as being alive (no to be confused with a-hive), and i'm happy for that. so in a way, i'm not "special" as the world wants me to be, but that makes me different (in a way)...wait, that a paradox (but not your aorta)...arrrrghhhhh, circular arguments(not your intestines), loops of senseless information (not the loop of henle), the illogical logic(not your cerebrum).

AAAHHHH....can't stop thinking of bio cos that one of the big two textbooks sitting on my table, right next to big book number 2-chem)

man, i'm wacked. i really can't think straight...i need a can of tonic water (bwahahaha). maybe after a few cans, i can glow under UV light!(if you don't believe me, just check it out, quinine is fluorescent even in negligible amounts 'http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic_water' whether this work in humans, i have no idea.)

new progress...old sorrow

well...somehow i managed to revive my drawing hand and am working on the eyes,the windows to the soul.still can't draw that.

well, life is as per normal: fighting for dominance against a angst-ridden rage, hiding inner conflict under a distant look, lonely hole in the heart that digs outwards from the center, losing to the spiral that eats my will up. the day to day living of losing, watching much better people lose and lose temper over it while you can only watch.

i can't blog about the issue i want to discuss...cos it is in conflict with one of my unwritten policies "don't blog about class events"...which is sadly what this issue is about. the week has been really sad...some atmosphere of depression. some guy broke down, some guy flared up, some dude just was reacting to the wrong root of the problem. out of the three, i think the only one that doesn't need the pity is the one with the wrong root, and he was shouting behind a door, not outside one. (and that is enough hints on what i'm talking about).

life is a sad thing when you get ignored. all you can do is watch as it passes, and sigh at outcome.

and now the goal seems further away...it's quite depressing and stressful

isolation can be such a pain when there is a nagging dark voice the demands company.

busy

just for pple reading, let me clarify, that boy i mentioned in the previous post is not me...just a figment of hyperactive hands and imagination

and of course...i'm not depressed, just a little confused
and tired
and weary

and busy trying figure out my ee...