the question

its been bugging me the whole week...can i answer the questions i (that is the voices) ask myself?
can i be happy with what i wanna be, even when i know this is who i am and will be?
can i be happy knowing i can never learn enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for my parents, for my friends, for anyone?
can i be happy knowing i'm watching from the sidelines of events to take place, events that will shatter what little of life i know?
can i be happy never understanding people, understanding relationships, understanding everything out of my reach?
can i be happy knowing who i am, with all my personality weirdness?
can i be happy knowing....that i'm a screwed up little brat, with no life, who potentially has problems immersing into society, who potentially has psychological problems?
can i be happy knowing i have no idea how to answer all these questions and to solve the mess that is me?

after reading this, you're probably thinking "WTF with all this emo-ing!three post in three days and all cryptic and full of crap! you are sofa king crazy dude!" here is my case: half my world hates me for who i am/was, i have few friends (though close). by personality, i store up all my anger, hate, jealousy, and hide under this happy face you see; guess where this goes, everywhere. i promised myself after sec1 and again in sec4, never will i release it on someone else (and though i slip, i try hard). so even though my parents will scold me for being up late and having a blog, i need this place to get rid of things i don't want others to receive. i need to be seriously emo here, so i can be a pierrot outside (if you don't understand, go check wikipedia for pierrot). i guess the way i conduct myself in fencing is what i am: laughing and joking, and cracking bad puns and one-liners, but under that mask, its where i hide me.

but after all this, every cloud has a silver lining, i answered one question:

...

i can be happy knowing i at least tried to answer the questions that constitute my life, and knowing i can never answer them.

ultimate irony

i just realized: i am the ultimate irony.

no seriously, look at my life. i find it so hard to define who i am, but everyday i try to hide myself behind a mask i claim is me. i want solitude, yet when i'm alone i cry for being alone. i spend time trying to be like others, and yet all i wanted was to set myself apart.

i think i really should just sleep.....

feeling weird

well....its that time of year again...when i don't have sch and actually spend time thinking about my life....and thats when it really hits me really hard

i explained before, i don't think laterally like a normal person. I don't have a inner voice, i have inner voiceS. not one, but many. each voice takes the role of each part of me; my worries, my locked up feelings and passions, my rather childish subnormal self. so for the few weeks that i officially don't have sch, these voices have gone overtime. there isn't much time in the day where they stay silent. they're practically screaming at me to do things, to react, to be proactive, to do something. how long do you think you can shun them? these voices are me, no matter how weird they are, they are really me, what i am, a part of me. so what should i do?

and becos of these voices, i become really worried about things that i shouldn't worry about. they keep reacting to situations, blaring when i'm alone. i need to remove distractions when working, yet the biggest distraction is myself. it's an another paradox. so you wonder, what a person am i?

fragmented, split, multipersonality
sad, happy, torn
lazy, pretense, invisible

i think in the quiet of everything, i'm the ultimate source of humour to myself. i'm right in front of people, yet it's as if i don't exist. i hide my selves in masks of unrealism so as to never actually find out who i really am. i punish myself, sometimes just to make others feel happy...is that right? when you put others before yourself, who will look out for you?

i need to talk to someone...just to get rid of all this stuff in my head...yet i'm scared and worried...seriously drives me a little crazy.

Limit breaker

well...long time since i posted...and since only 7 pple actually have this blog address, i guess the audience is few anyway. (never wanted many to know this place anywayway)

well...burning midnight oil...doing work late....watching cartoons all day (as usual)

maybe i just wanted to escape the reality i live in....all the stresses in life....wrong answer

big stress is ee, i'm not sure that my project is headed the right way...and i'm not too great at it either...completely outclassed

second is the recent uproar at church....big mega problem...

third....well i'm just burnt...

and now i better sleep...better luck drawing stuff AFTER re-exam for english (how do you score???so hard)