once and a long time...
haha..so sorry i haven't blogged about anything for such a long time...got kind of busy this holidays...you can't really consider it hols when it's so jammed pack!!!
first week...trip to Thailand....well, not much to say...i've been to East Timor...after that trip, everything else is a piece of cake....working out some almost non-existant muscles however was not that easy. Had much fun, bought two shirts (with cute cartoon versions of ultraman), two lamps...the lamps are nice...had fun redoing the plug to suit Singapore's three pin system (Thailand uses 220V and a two flat pin system, S'pore uses 230V and a three pin system...so far no fuse burned out yet) i almost completely spent my bottle of mozzie repellent, lent most of it to my classmates actually, i actually got two free shirts from the trip but one was so dirty i couldn't use it anymore. i finished all my sweets before even half the trip...my aloe vera gel and various random medicinal oils and lozenges actually came into use...most of us walked out with tans (fortunately no burns....)(ps..the only pple who probably didn't change skin tone was Lakshman, our teacher Mr. Venthan, the canoe-ers Amos, Jimmy,Lucas)i manged to keep a brief record of the events each night...with the last few days rushed into one page (hey, shopping is low on my ever-wanna-do-list)didn't sleep on the last night in Thailand cos we had to wake up at 4.30~5.00am anyway (we stopped shopping at 12MN, played random games till time)(i on the otherhand was talking to a friend then slept for 10 mins...) i kind of didn't wanna stay in my room at that time cos my roommate and his girl were talking and stuff...so i left the room. Trip back to the motherland was rather smooth...was sleeping like a baby most of the journey...my ipod just ran out of batt when we got to Bangkok...(was listening it with my friend for the flight from Chiang Mai to BK)...so one eventful experience less to await for!
barely out of OEP-mode...was pushed right into competition week...NATIONAL CADET FENCING...for individuals, made it to the first round...then kena eliminated (i am very bad at parry-repose...and my lunges almost always fall short)...ryan also get knocked out in first round, joel made it as far as the second round before getting knocked out....koon han didn't make it to the first round sadly, scott was sick....team event: knocked out by the first team we fought...koon han didn't land a single point, i barely get four, ryan got the rest (we originally had 9-42 on the last bout, ryan picked it up to 15+ (i forgot the exact number)-43 before he ran out of time) that ends competition!
burned out and tired, STRAIGHT INTO AMAZING GRACE BATAM...weeee.....was super moody at times, kind of felt weird due to being quite short for my age....in retrospect...ALL THE BB BOYS WERE AT LEAST MY HEIGHT (except for one case....but he'll shoot up)..i think they all thought i was sec2....even joel (my church joel tay) thought i was sec3...I'M JC1...stupid cute boyish look/face....(did i tell you that at the beginning of the year one of my classmates thought i was a girl before he realized i was wearing ACS school uniform which at that time only guys wear) but i can't realy complain...my bro can still pass of as a 18~20 yrs old...must be the genes (points finger to dad)...i think we learned a lot from this camp...a lot...i just find it hard to recall at this time of the night....last night of camp spent like an hour playing the game "mafia (RPG/storytelling)" with the bb guys and some of our own youths, slept at about 3am while watching MTV (i have never watched it before) (the inhouse joke is that the one of the four other guys i bunk with likes watching MTV for the girls, another one talks crap, and i'm extremely moody and angsty...as to how far these claims are true i have no idea)
the camp was physically draining....coming back actually was good cos i managed to catch up on the news from East Timor from my dad (he left for Timor Leste before we left for Batam) obviously he brought back plenty of good news, which just leaves me hyped for the next trip i can catch...(which is either the October trip or December...anyone wanna join me?)
been playing the last few days, no work done...probably got tons to finish now....not to mention studying for exams when sch reopens....argggghhhh....on the bright side...this few time let me do plenty of free thinking (which actually obstructs my drawings cos i just 'stone' with a pencil staring blankly at the paper)...the camp had no presence of JC2 and lacked a significant strength of JC1s and the younger youths....i honestly wonder....the current batch may be good leaders i cannot doubt it, but i think their presence is losing effect...they group together, i don't see many members on saturday.....it becomes a elite group.....sometimes i wish if they told the youths like some of the activities they were planning maybe we wouldn't be so in the dark of things around us....and the younger ones are lost to magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards and PSP....i mean it...i was a gamer...but even i had rules and limits about my behaviour that protected me...(set by my parents thankfully) even just at my youth class level (the current JC1 batch)...we are so detached and broken....the girls almost don't exist (jodie still comes), the boys are reduced to ryan,ruijie,bryan and me....(tts is usually away and doesn't even appear, lezlie is not around, clement doesn't come, weiliang is at NAV, raph usually only turns up for sermons, sometimes only when he has worship practice)....i'm afraid that this group of friends just lose and disappear...and i honestly am afraid that they depend on someone else to be the anchor ( last time i honestly thought that tts would be our group's anchor, keeping everyone in,..but he puts studies first and disappears at exam periods....next was weiliang who is probably the most spiritually mature and strongest of the group...he still is my anchor in tough times, but the others don't really interact with him...) and finally i'm honestly afraid that someone expects me to be the one to bring each other back...i'm not sure if it's just me and my insecurities, but i feel like i'm the one who feels like pieces are missing in our group...and the need for us to get together...i'm very scared of losing my friends
i've thought of other things....how i can easily count all the girls i-know-who-i-can-freely-talk-to(my generation) with two hands...
1)jeanette lim
2)cheryl lim
3)diane lim
4)michelle
5)steph
6)christina
7) (possibly: the last Lim sister) Michelle lim (becos she understands when i talk fast, though i rarely talk to her, not to mention she is in USA now)
at thie point i don't think i can add anymore names...haha(of course the guys' list is a lot longer, but it's still short enough to recall by memory)
i've discovered several things about myself over the course of the hols:
how i miss (of all things) my fencing mask when i was in Batam
how i missed my foil when it broke (got a replacement blade later)
how i missed my dad when he was away
how pple think of me ( i quote " isolated, hostile, brainy,great appetite ( i eat ridiculous amount of food at dinner) " (at this point i was laughing))
i was thinking about how i wrote about each youth in my class....they each have great things to contribute:
lezlie is probably the street-smartest of the lot
tts is a established leader in the group
weiliang is the most grounded in faith
ruijie tends to try and prove his point is correct
clement is the quiet one
ryan is the more flamboyant one
gideon is the most flamboyant and most active, who somehow is always where the most activity is (currently down under)
anyone of them could have been the one to keep us together...turns out...most of them aren't even around....
at this point of time, i wish to establish one thing: i am a single male going through a period of hormonal rage....i feel very dejected at myself over the case of BGR.....the most predominant feelings in me is either jealously coupled with loneliness, and then stupidity at being bothered by it.i mean: come one, feeling jealousy that some guy now spends half his time worried about how to be nice to his girl...i mean it takes away brain capacity, punches a big whole in your wallet...it fills one of the two holes in your heart.....ARRRRGHHH....you can almost say that there is two daniels in my head...the emotionless one and the one who actually falls for this stuff....then you can imagine the fights they get into over this issue.(for added realism, imagine both of them in a anime/manga styled fight) i mean...it sort of pisses you off to see Public Display of Affection (PDA)...i mean i gets more and more irritating the more you see....but it reaches out to you and tell you that you missed something........what the hell am i typing/thinking....rubbish....i think you get my point: it bugs me...really...it's like the next most bugging thing to my horrible drawings. i honestly don't see the point of getting attached so early, it's like a living leech (except even the only human leech i know will never be that bad) if you ask me how i survive such conflicts in my head: creating a excuse helps me get through the days my brain goes emo. i get disturbed...i'm not as mature as some of my classmates, i'm not the geek-est of the lot, i'm the sport-est one either (i mean, up till now pple still don't believe i'm learning fencing),i'm not tall (for a JC1, i'm short)....i cannot see the end....everyday i wonder.....am i doing the right thing to wait?honestly i think the society we live overemphasizes this BGR stuff....i wouldn't mind condemning young guys/girls getting into BGR....if it wasn't bugging me..(but than again i'm not that young anymore)
to answer a simple question:how long have both personalities existed? the emotionless guy got created in sec2 by accident and got installed into my personality...the emo guy has always been there from the start.
and lately one of the things that bug me is the future of the youth ministry of my church....(in fact i've started feeling periodic fear since certain things started happening)....firstly, the older youths are more or less not around (by older i mean JC2&1, not those older than that), there is very few older youths...and our interaction with the younger youths are MINIMAL....secondly, the younger youths are starting to scare me....they are the 'generation' after me (if you trace each lvl, for the guys after my lvl they are more and more gamish/gamer-type).....now after 1st service in church, i go up for a short nap/break on the 4th floor rooms...i find leuven and co there either playing magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards or PSP....and they don't turn up for service....(i'm highly suspecting they skip the 2nd one....not proven yet).....this is the bunch of pple who use a room, and just leave without switching off lights or air-con....eating food in rooms....i am highly suspicious of them....i don't really trust them....leaving me to doubt most of their actions....the moment any of this behaviour goes out of hand, i'm probably going to be compelled to take rash action...and for their sake (and my own) i'm gonna pray that either my bro or weiliang is there (probably the only two pple apart from my parent who can reason with/stop me when it comes to my crazy ideas) third and most importantly, the future committee members....i want the youth to continue to strive, so they should pick younger pple and train them from young, but at this rate, the candidate size is REALLY small...and if they pick the wrong person...i hope they can rein him in...thats all...
i wanted to write something mushy here to my friends here...but all i can say is that you are to me like my extended family, close and somehow always there for me.
thats all my mind lets me say....anymore i'll probably feel an emotional shut down in my brain,nite
ps. in case you're wondering why this post is so long....think of it as three weeks of thoughts typed out over two nights.
first week...trip to Thailand....well, not much to say...i've been to East Timor...after that trip, everything else is a piece of cake....working out some almost non-existant muscles however was not that easy. Had much fun, bought two shirts (with cute cartoon versions of ultraman), two lamps...the lamps are nice...had fun redoing the plug to suit Singapore's three pin system (Thailand uses 220V and a two flat pin system, S'pore uses 230V and a three pin system...so far no fuse burned out yet) i almost completely spent my bottle of mozzie repellent, lent most of it to my classmates actually, i actually got two free shirts from the trip but one was so dirty i couldn't use it anymore. i finished all my sweets before even half the trip...my aloe vera gel and various random medicinal oils and lozenges actually came into use...most of us walked out with tans (fortunately no burns....)(ps..the only pple who probably didn't change skin tone was Lakshman, our teacher Mr. Venthan, the canoe-ers Amos, Jimmy,Lucas)i manged to keep a brief record of the events each night...with the last few days rushed into one page (hey, shopping is low on my ever-wanna-do-list)didn't sleep on the last night in Thailand cos we had to wake up at 4.30~5.00am anyway (we stopped shopping at 12MN, played random games till time)(i on the otherhand was talking to a friend then slept for 10 mins...) i kind of didn't wanna stay in my room at that time cos my roommate and his girl were talking and stuff...so i left the room. Trip back to the motherland was rather smooth...was sleeping like a baby most of the journey...my ipod just ran out of batt when we got to Bangkok...(was listening it with my friend for the flight from Chiang Mai to BK)...so one eventful experience less to await for!
barely out of OEP-mode...was pushed right into competition week...NATIONAL CADET FENCING...for individuals, made it to the first round...then kena eliminated (i am very bad at parry-repose...and my lunges almost always fall short)...ryan also get knocked out in first round, joel made it as far as the second round before getting knocked out....koon han didn't make it to the first round sadly, scott was sick....team event: knocked out by the first team we fought...koon han didn't land a single point, i barely get four, ryan got the rest (we originally had 9-42 on the last bout, ryan picked it up to 15+ (i forgot the exact number)-43 before he ran out of time) that ends competition!
burned out and tired, STRAIGHT INTO AMAZING GRACE BATAM...weeee.....was super moody at times, kind of felt weird due to being quite short for my age....in retrospect...ALL THE BB BOYS WERE AT LEAST MY HEIGHT (except for one case....but he'll shoot up)..i think they all thought i was sec2....even joel (my church joel tay) thought i was sec3...I'M JC1...stupid cute boyish look/face....(did i tell you that at the beginning of the year one of my classmates thought i was a girl before he realized i was wearing ACS school uniform which at that time only guys wear) but i can't realy complain...my bro can still pass of as a 18~20 yrs old...must be the genes (points finger to dad)...i think we learned a lot from this camp...a lot...i just find it hard to recall at this time of the night....last night of camp spent like an hour playing the game "mafia (RPG/storytelling)" with the bb guys and some of our own youths, slept at about 3am while watching MTV (i have never watched it before) (the inhouse joke is that the one of the four other guys i bunk with likes watching MTV for the girls, another one talks crap, and i'm extremely moody and angsty...as to how far these claims are true i have no idea)
the camp was physically draining....coming back actually was good cos i managed to catch up on the news from East Timor from my dad (he left for Timor Leste before we left for Batam) obviously he brought back plenty of good news, which just leaves me hyped for the next trip i can catch...(which is either the October trip or December...anyone wanna join me?)
been playing the last few days, no work done...probably got tons to finish now....not to mention studying for exams when sch reopens....argggghhhh....on the bright side...this few time let me do plenty of free thinking (which actually obstructs my drawings cos i just 'stone' with a pencil staring blankly at the paper)...the camp had no presence of JC2 and lacked a significant strength of JC1s and the younger youths....i honestly wonder....the current batch may be good leaders i cannot doubt it, but i think their presence is losing effect...they group together, i don't see many members on saturday.....it becomes a elite group.....sometimes i wish if they told the youths like some of the activities they were planning maybe we wouldn't be so in the dark of things around us....and the younger ones are lost to magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards and PSP....i mean it...i was a gamer...but even i had rules and limits about my behaviour that protected me...(set by my parents thankfully) even just at my youth class level (the current JC1 batch)...we are so detached and broken....the girls almost don't exist (jodie still comes), the boys are reduced to ryan,ruijie,bryan and me....(tts is usually away and doesn't even appear, lezlie is not around, clement doesn't come, weiliang is at NAV, raph usually only turns up for sermons, sometimes only when he has worship practice)....i'm afraid that this group of friends just lose and disappear...and i honestly am afraid that they depend on someone else to be the anchor ( last time i honestly thought that tts would be our group's anchor, keeping everyone in,..but he puts studies first and disappears at exam periods....next was weiliang who is probably the most spiritually mature and strongest of the group...he still is my anchor in tough times, but the others don't really interact with him...) and finally i'm honestly afraid that someone expects me to be the one to bring each other back...i'm not sure if it's just me and my insecurities, but i feel like i'm the one who feels like pieces are missing in our group...and the need for us to get together...i'm very scared of losing my friends
i've thought of other things....how i can easily count all the girls i-know-who-i-can-freely-talk-to(my generation) with two hands...
1)jeanette lim
2)cheryl lim
3)diane lim
4)michelle
5)steph
6)christina
7) (possibly: the last Lim sister) Michelle lim (becos she understands when i talk fast, though i rarely talk to her, not to mention she is in USA now)
at thie point i don't think i can add anymore names...haha(of course the guys' list is a lot longer, but it's still short enough to recall by memory)
i've discovered several things about myself over the course of the hols:
how i miss (of all things) my fencing mask when i was in Batam
how i missed my foil when it broke (got a replacement blade later)
how i missed my dad when he was away
how pple think of me ( i quote " isolated, hostile, brainy,great appetite ( i eat ridiculous amount of food at dinner) " (at this point i was laughing))
i was thinking about how i wrote about each youth in my class....they each have great things to contribute:
lezlie is probably the street-smartest of the lot
tts is a established leader in the group
weiliang is the most grounded in faith
ruijie tends to try and prove his point is correct
clement is the quiet one
ryan is the more flamboyant one
gideon is the most flamboyant and most active, who somehow is always where the most activity is (currently down under)
anyone of them could have been the one to keep us together...turns out...most of them aren't even around....
at this point of time, i wish to establish one thing: i am a single male going through a period of hormonal rage....i feel very dejected at myself over the case of BGR.....the most predominant feelings in me is either jealously coupled with loneliness, and then stupidity at being bothered by it.i mean: come one, feeling jealousy that some guy now spends half his time worried about how to be nice to his girl...i mean it takes away brain capacity, punches a big whole in your wallet...it fills one of the two holes in your heart.....ARRRRGHHH....you can almost say that there is two daniels in my head...the emotionless one and the one who actually falls for this stuff....then you can imagine the fights they get into over this issue.(for added realism, imagine both of them in a anime/manga styled fight) i mean...it sort of pisses you off to see Public Display of Affection (PDA)...i mean i gets more and more irritating the more you see....but it reaches out to you and tell you that you missed something........what the hell am i typing/thinking....rubbish....i think you get my point: it bugs me...really...it's like the next most bugging thing to my horrible drawings. i honestly don't see the point of getting attached so early, it's like a living leech (except even the only human leech i know will never be that bad) if you ask me how i survive such conflicts in my head: creating a excuse helps me get through the days my brain goes emo. i get disturbed...i'm not as mature as some of my classmates, i'm not the geek-est of the lot, i'm the sport-est one either (i mean, up till now pple still don't believe i'm learning fencing),i'm not tall (for a JC1, i'm short)....i cannot see the end....everyday i wonder.....am i doing the right thing to wait?honestly i think the society we live overemphasizes this BGR stuff....i wouldn't mind condemning young guys/girls getting into BGR....if it wasn't bugging me..(but than again i'm not that young anymore)
to answer a simple question:how long have both personalities existed? the emotionless guy got created in sec2 by accident and got installed into my personality...the emo guy has always been there from the start.
and lately one of the things that bug me is the future of the youth ministry of my church....(in fact i've started feeling periodic fear since certain things started happening)....firstly, the older youths are more or less not around (by older i mean JC2&1, not those older than that), there is very few older youths...and our interaction with the younger youths are MINIMAL....secondly, the younger youths are starting to scare me....they are the 'generation' after me (if you trace each lvl, for the guys after my lvl they are more and more gamish/gamer-type).....now after 1st service in church, i go up for a short nap/break on the 4th floor rooms...i find leuven and co there either playing magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards or PSP....and they don't turn up for service....(i'm highly suspecting they skip the 2nd one....not proven yet).....this is the bunch of pple who use a room, and just leave without switching off lights or air-con....eating food in rooms....i am highly suspicious of them....i don't really trust them....leaving me to doubt most of their actions....the moment any of this behaviour goes out of hand, i'm probably going to be compelled to take rash action...and for their sake (and my own) i'm gonna pray that either my bro or weiliang is there (probably the only two pple apart from my parent who can reason with/stop me when it comes to my crazy ideas) third and most importantly, the future committee members....i want the youth to continue to strive, so they should pick younger pple and train them from young, but at this rate, the candidate size is REALLY small...and if they pick the wrong person...i hope they can rein him in...thats all...
i wanted to write something mushy here to my friends here...but all i can say is that you are to me like my extended family, close and somehow always there for me.
thats all my mind lets me say....anymore i'll probably feel an emotional shut down in my brain,nite
ps. in case you're wondering why this post is so long....think of it as three weeks of thoughts typed out over two nights.
posted by Titus Leon at
11:12 PM
2 Comments
