left behind...or at least out

day events:piano grade 6 practical exam, fencing training, home. managed to beat ryan once in 5 point bout, but he wasn't serious and he beat me later in another 5 point bout, so i guess i still keep my promise. (though i managed to actually start countering a bit better...though still bad)

night thoughts: ever wonder if the world keeps secrets from you? well, you're not alone. i'm wrecked by the fact that i know many events happen, many the explain things i see and yet i'm usually never hearing it, even if i'm indirectly involved. the paranoid feeling creeps in and amplifies any sense of being left out.

and of course there is the complete opposite in which i know something and i'm not sure if i tell pple of it will it help the person involved or just hurt.

secrets are a messy concept, one way makes pple hyper-paranoid and causes much of the common problems (the other main source is stereotyping). the other way makes first harder and yet make the situation hard for anybody.

so when is it right to learn or tell? when is it not right? moral and ethical?

sometimes i think its because i distance myself that pple are paranoid of me, maybe because of the years of things stored in me i am paranoid that i'll hurt someone unintentionally, or that because i know too much, i've become paranoid, a study of human reaction.

maybe i distance myself because i'm not sure and don't want to answer these questions.

how do you run away from yourself? how do you understand another? how can i help someone when i can't help myself?

it's like staring at pple's back (not that i do that...its an analogy), after a while, all you can do is look as pple go forward while you're stuck behind. you can't see forward, you protect the shadows. but after a while, does the loneliness ever crack the one running with his back to front.

i'm sorry if i perpetually sound depressed...maybe i am, i'm not too certain myself. but every time i start typing, everything starts bubbling up...all my fears, paranoia. i'm not too certain how i feel towards anything, how i am...i'm barely self-conscious sometimes.

(blank stare)

i'm sorry, where was i? oh, today's events...