"There is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

Time passes fast. A new post for a new me

2011-09-03T22:30:00.003+08:00

Just thought i should come back here and update stuff, since my tumblr is now being watched by various people, and that i should stop being depressed 80% of the time.

Been a long time, blogspot. I've been through army, got promoted, pissed of several individuals who believe themselves above the law and everyone else. struggled and floundered again in a position of leadership. at best, i'm good at tanking work to allow the rest more free time. i guess i don't really know how to use a position of power to its max.

And flash forward a couple of months after i finish my service, and now i'm studying Medicine in UNSW. i've practically lost contact of all the army pple and for that matter everyone else i know in school.

new friendships made, new discoveries, disappointment and tons of depression, more new discoveries, some shaking of beliefs, some soul searching and constant emotion searching. several failures (not academically) and constant doubt.

already 2 terms have passed and the 3rd one is coming to an end. every other day i'm haunted by previous failures, then segway to how i can't seem to connect to anyone and how i'll never meet anyone expectations. some days i win, others i struggle to establish a balance.

So, like the fresh start i made with tumblr, here i make a fresh start/end to blogspot. I will be lonely for the foreseeable future. But i will not be miserable while watching everyone find their bliss. I will be lonely, not by choice, but because God knows when it is right and when i'm ready. Tearing away the bitterness will take time, but i'm sure one day i can move on beyond all my mistakes.

This might not be the last post here, but it will be the first for a new stage in my life, and hopefully a new me.

maybe when i'm finally not lonely will i do a actual penultimate post and close this blog.

life always goes on

2010-02-17T23:10:00.002+08:00

i'm on off this week. much needed sleep can be gained back this week.

reflection today: expectations

I honestly hope no one expects much of me, because i know i do of some. A lot of times i expect my family to cut me some slack regarding small things. i expect my future girlfriend to be understanding of my weirdness. i expect competence out of my peers. Am i expecting too much?

When did i begin to expect so much of people? Why do i expect so much? How much is too much and how much is too little?

Should i be asking what happened to my carefree existence exactly one year ago? I'm sure i never expected anything out of army, I didn't care if i became officer, specialist or trooper. All i knew was if there was something to learn, just go all out; if my buddies wanted to hit the moon, i'll make sure i was there to give him a boost; if work needed to be done, i would help. One year later, i feel that i'm no longer that boy. I feel like a little beaten down, washed down version of that boy.

Sometimes i wonder, can time be reversed? I want to go back to the times when hope still rang loud in the sky, fun was always in grasp, when we ran freely in the sun through the sand towards to the horizon.

Am i expecting too much of myself? of life itself?

(end)

on a side note, some people say that army is the death reaper of relationships. I say folly. Its the people who make things break, like how only a person can murder another while the a gun merely shoots another. Humans just blame the most convenient thing. Don't expect too much of your other, just imagine army to be any other full-time job (well, army IS a full time job). It isn't like those puppydog loveydovey days in school, individual pain and worries. time together is limited, time apart extended, sometimes there is no time at all. you honestly can't expect him to surrender all his weekend to you, like how you don't like it when he's free but you got exams tomorrow and he bugs you. no excuse for either side to ignore any chances, sometimes you have to burn more to earn more. and if you two can pull through this two years, there is chance of more in the future, otherwise...

it sucks sometimes, having to watch others struggle, their worlds fall apart, but you can't be there to help pick up the pieces.

long time no see

2010-01-30T01:14:00.004+08:00

i've been very busy the last....i lost count of the months and days.

honestly, i'm tired. i feel stressed, worried: about my application to university, my lack of much social life, arrgghhh. i don't really care about the social scene. i don't go clubbing (i have a hard time with blasting bass, it actually hurts a bit), i don't go pub-ing (i have poor alcohol tolerance), WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? i'm a bookworm through and through, leave me in a library. NO ONE AROUND ME READS COMICS. DUNGEON AND DRAGONS IS TURNING INTO THE WORST INVESTMENT OF TIME EVER. HONESTLY, PPLE WHO CONSIDER THIS TO BE A SOCIAL EVENT NEED TO CONSIDER IF TALKING ABOUT VOLUMES OF RULES AND FICTIONAL MONSTERS AND ETC. SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS CONVERSATION, IT"S MORE LIKE CONVERSING WITH A ENCYCLOPEDIA...THERE IS NO CONVERSATION.

STOP SHOUTING AT ME AS IF I BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO BE LESS OF A SELFISH PROFITEERING BASTERD. HONESTLY, A GUY AFRAID BECOMING TAN IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING. A GRADUATE FROM AN ELITE SCHOOL CANNOT SLOW DOWN AND THINK, ASSUMING MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME AND EVERYONE ELSE. ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

HONESTLY, WHY BOTHER WITH A MOBILE PHONE IF YOU DON'T PICK UP? AND WHY BOTHER LISTENING IF YOU JUST RUSH TO HANG UP?

CHECK BACK, WRITE DOWN, SLOW DOWN, IS IT THAT HARD!?!?!

THERE IS NO POINT IN BEING INDECISIVE.

what i learnt so far, booksmart people (including myself) suck. WE SUCK. CAPITAL S,U,C,K; SUCK.

what i've seen so far: i've met smart pple who would cause dangers and revel in destruction. pple who need to punctuate sentences with physical threats, smart pple who are also selfish basterds. smart pple who have no direction and no purpose, smart pple who are more blur than a blank book. pple whose extravagant habits are extremely insensitive to others. pple with no common sense.

i have also seen the other end of the spectrum, pple who have shed sweat, blood alongside me, pulling me along while i was still dead weight. family who show undying support, brother and brothers who would pull me up and push me on. men who spur me on to greater heights.

i trust this as an avenue of last resort, because i don't know where else i can scream. i don't need to talk to another person, i just need to SCREAM into the air and let it all out. because in the end, there is no other person left in this world for me.

art update

2009-11-16T22:22:00.002+08:00

haha, i still have time to draw....well, not really much time.

first up, hotaru from Samurai deeper kyo, looking distant (actually scene where he looks like this is during his past, so i modified and used his modern day hair style =minus ponytails)

next up was some random thing with the coffee beanies, some bitching involved in it
THIS IS BY FAIR MY MOST FAVOURITE (for obvious reason). First time drawing spiked hair and it looks fairly good. Ironically, my subsequent attempts looked worse. er, initial plan was that this guy is "immortal" or more accurately already dead, hence why a knife to the head would be ok (he's suppose to be smiling, too lazy to draw smile since i never drew eyes).

random cute guy i drew, i like him a lot.

and so that is the end for a while.

Life as it is now....its pretty short termed

2009-11-01T16:13:00.000+08:00

Two important things:

1 FINALY FANTASY XIII HAS A ENGLISH TRAILER....AND THEY TALK FOR A DECENT 7 MINS

2. I GOT STOMACH PAINS FROM EATING TOOO MUCH

ok, signing off now.

Here and Back again, a long story

2009-03-20T21:02:00.002+08:00

so i'm finally on a break. and in a few days time i'm going back in again.

and for some reason i'm addicted to the song "another way to die" by Alicia Keys and Jack White.

my msn messenger on my desktop does not work in tandem with my firefox (also doesn't help that i open many tabs on it too)

my mind is surprisingly clear despite all the events that happen over the last 3 months. lots of things happened in other pple's lives, while mine has remained stagnant.

finished two books by Malcolm Gladwell, highly recommend to read his books.

here's hoping my desktop doesn't die...none of the other coms in my house has the scanning software for the scanner.

Apologies for the year

2009-01-06T22:23:00.002+08:00

so now i have to write a rushed apologies for the year.

i'm sorry that i've not been a good friend to all my friends
i'm sorry for avoiding problems that i should have addressed
i'm sorry for bringing problems to others when i shouldn't have (of which i am sure of at least one incident that was caused by me and still strains me and others)

and as the new year begins, i ask for your forgiveness which i still do not deserve.

This post goes out to all and one of my friends, of which they will know if they read. (unless my cryptic style is really so bad that no one understands)

delays in mindscape

2008-12-29T21:00:00.002+08:00

we interrupt daniel's serious apology post to update you on the latest on the crisis monitor: of which we have no idea why he's panicking so much, nor are we really sure of the crisis (or if the crisis is a crisis).

in case no one gets why i can panic, i don't like being outnumbered by members of the other gender. in addition to my limited social skills and low self-esteem, i place limits on what i should do as a gentleman(of which i still have limited knowledge). so essential, a girl can practically bully me, while a part of me still debates what is the morally correct retaliation. either that or the fact that i never had a good relationship with girls since primary school.

so while this might be some other guy's dream position, it will take at least two days for me to warm up to my current situation.

i have a feeling my mum has high hopes of me getting a girlfriend before my brother...which in a way my brother seconds (of course my dad will remain nonchalant until i actually get one). so i guess i will have to continue to disappoint them in this aspect for sometime.

a Belated Merry Christmas to readers. spent it with family and friends.

having my emotional low and isolation period again, trying to occupy time by NOT think of how lonely i am. not working very well, but still its better than nothing.

End Of The Year

2008-11-27T00:09:00.004+08:00

and its the end of the year again...

to prevent complete brain meltdown upon introspection of how really lonely i am now and for the past 18 years...i will occupy you with a new guest to this blog.

his current name is "coffee-beanie" -a merge of coffee bean and beanie baby-. currently, he has no real name. so if you like, you can name him. he is the product of much needed criticism on student life. he also has a friend...who has square spectacles in place of those two irregular eyes. if you have anything to comment about student lifestyle that is wrong, do drop a note...while i try to figure out if i can keep at this idea for a strip comic...and whether they have hands.

and as another "surprise", i've done a "picture" of myself.

enjoy your year-end.

Dragging my bum life along

2008-10-23T22:19:00.002+08:00

technically, school is out. but i have to study like a mad hamster (but not like THE hamster). i actually like hamsters (the animal,not the person). kind of tired.

brother fell sick today. probably the first time i visited the clinic and i'm not the sick person. haha. usually i fall sick. my bro thinks i should work out more.

i finally realize that every time i change my msn nick, that someone tries to start a conversation using my nick, and typically trying to one-up what i state in my nick. if you want to talk, i get it, just talk.just don't impose your ideas on me and don't try to prove that you're my superior.

the only thing i really regret in acs is that i've thrust myself into an environment where everyone is leagues smarter than me. it becomes demoralizing to know your best will never be noticed, outsiders expect ridiculous things of me because of a stereotype. otherwise, i've had a decent life: made some good friends, cut a few bad habits; pissed off a few jerks (they were asking for it).

just because i don't play WoW or DoTA, don't like expensive stuff, have a excellent mind at random trivia, tend to jump into other people conversations, doesn't mean i have no life or i'm a disease to be avoided. "i don't like" doesn't equate to "i never tried and hate for no reason", i do experiment with games (especially sine i did work in the school's LAN shop) and i do see the adverse result on gamers (i have 4 years of viewing experience).

come to think of it, the most fun times in school were when:
1) with my friends
2) sports (but not swimming, developed a small sense of aquaphobia, due to hives-which also cultivated a small sense of heliophobia though that can be medically justified)(aqua=refers to water; helio=refers to sun, in this case heliophobia is the fear of sunlight)
3) when i'm not playing in the LAN shop (which was sparse in the first two years, but the time increased in later 2 years)

you see, when i'm not taking a gaming-break, i'm either doing work, or sarcastically joking the annoying gamers while i do repairs or duty. (they were asking for it too). and it becomes a really fun past-time to come up with random stuff to make dull work interesting. i actually miss those times (not the annoying gamers, but just doing things to make the job interesting). to paraphrase the experience, its like a IT House...with less knowledge,experience,but more juniors.

and of course, as my status as the bottom of the information chain, i have finally received info of the massive breakups in school. not that it really bothered me in the first place. 1 tenth of the level population is female, 8 tenth of the level population guys get attached or are already attached. i form part of the 1 tenth who couldn't give two dimes about it. i know i make a generalization, but i are SERIOUSLY tired of this emphasis on relationships. it bugs me to the extent i have nightmares about it. i definitely want my lunch money fund, and my gaming fund, and my comic book fund...the list of funds goes on until i run out of simple pleasures to list (list includes breakfast, dinner, RAM card, book, snacks. wait i think that's it)

at least when i bring this up with my family, they honestly tell me what they think, which is comforting.

i once talked to someone about this, and he said you should write down good things about yourself. well, i don't trust this advice, and as counter-productive as it sounds, i will list down reason why i cannot bother to enter into a relationship:
1) I have a bad memory. contrary to my great recall ability, i have horrible memory. i have problems remembering details like lets say birthday dates? (i even forgot my own for a year)
2) I don't talk a lot. i realize that i do not know a lot of topics to talk about, nor am i good at reading body language or subtle hints.
3) am a horrible gift buyer. no question about it.
4) (if i think of another reason, i'll remember to bring it up another time)

i believe in counter-intuitive ideas. not to mention bringing up these points help clear my mind.

ultimate...lightbulb

2008-09-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

5 stages of dying :
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

2 stage of understanding your status among friends:
1) Notification
2) Acceptance

sometimes, i have to wonder. why do i bother being so nice to people? last time i remembered, there are people who borrowed stuff from me since the beginning of the year. hasn't come back to me yet; given time to people, solve problems, help and teach what little i know, and yet i have to be ignored when i need help, have to be silenced. called names, laughed at. the usual negative returns.

i don't really care, these issues usually don't stick to me. but every once a while, something will stick and burn. i think others don't see me as a friend, i'm a tag-a-long. i'm back to where i started.

i'm a horrible friend. i'll bluntly tell you your flaws,make you accept them. i'll be silent through conversations. i've a bad sense of humour and cannot make you laugh.

i will run from my own problems...

the bright darkness in life

2008-09-05T19:35:00.003+08:00

relationship: a complex reaction i will never fully understand, and probably never bother to place time to understand. dynamics are more volatile than alcohol in dry air. but the reaction can provide the most stable condition in life.

people in love are people who are lucky. people who are able to pursue such emotions are lucky.

as for such a topic, i can't really comment on it. i have more knowledge on global migration patterns than relationships (which by the way, i have no idea about migration patterns of birds other than it happens due to the four seasons and birds not being able to survive in all 4 seasons. FLY AWAY FROM THE COLD)
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how do people forget? it is weird asking this question since i am one of the most forgetful people around, but how do people forget? i cannot escape from mistakes that i make, mistakes that hurt others. the world goes on while my mind torments me on anything i might have caused, things that i might have little or no involvement in.

conclusion

2008-08-28T20:27:00.002+08:00

either watching house has created a separate persona/characteristic in me, or i'm really stressed. i am showing signs of fatigue and cracked personality.

fell asleep in the one hour recess period. woke up groggy and walked straight into bio lab with a sleeping brain. BAD IDEA FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS. anyway, a short lecture about location of cupboards and files later, i'm back upstairs solitary and asleep.

on the upside, i've managed to finish a chem paper 1 without much studying. i haven't started chem (doing math first cos i'm really tired of seeing crosses when i want marks), but its good to know that all my studying before midyears are paying off a little. though there is still lots of room for improvement.

and on the downside, i've becoming more sarcastic again. can't tell whether this is good or bad, have to wait and see if my sense of humour returns too.

i wanna do math. i actually really want to do math. also cos it's more interesting than studying 'The adventures of huckleberry finn" for english. that book is LONG, especially the last part. not to mention Paddy Clarke Hahaha is a bit more interesting and Siddhartha is the shortest most philo-based book.

starting drawing for a collab project with Julian. a fantasy story with two characters who are loosely based off ourselves. i modeled my character to be a bit more 'insane' yet showing a level of logic that would astound most of the other characters. appearance-wise, he should have unkempt hair like dante in dmc3, though he is much younger. he also knows a bit of swordsmanship, worked as a blacksmith's apprentice, and surprisingly is rather clumsy with a hammer. as a on-going joke i plan to add, my character is the inventor of guns in this fantasy universe, hence naming jokes and also the fact that only two or three people can actually properly wield it. my character and julian's are orphans (its a prologue explained event) and they work like bounty hunters. Julian's is the sage-like character, doesn't seem to fight a lot and he seems to be the brains behind their schemes. mine is his crazy foil, and whose seemingly mad schemes are sometimes the key to the problem. i haven't really discussed the details beyond this point, but i have thought of several plot lines that run along the course of the story. since its a collab, i'm hoping i can link up with him and let him do most of the story planning, while i do the drawing. as soon as i improve.

hate serotonin

2008-08-27T22:33:00.002+08:00

recently, i've been 'stoning'. as in 'stone', blank vacant stare into the metaphysical. no, i'm not on any form of medication. its just my mind's way of shutting itself out. it helps a lot when most of my thoughts surround that dark voice that taunts me and ideas like "you screwed up". the more i compartmentalize these away, the clearer my head. unfortunately, it also makes me slightly more emotionless, since compartmentalizing that also clears head.

people also wonder, why i'm so edged out. simple: i have little confidence, even when i'm right. some people can walk their entire student lives over brimming with self assurance, sometimes they are wrong, sometimes they are right. and pple always talk about self esteem. its highly overrated if it makes you cocky and arrogant. people are lucky to be able to be so sure of themselves.

and yes, i do enter and leave classroom during breaks at increasing exponential rate. blame it on the guys who add sound effects to their video games, it begins to become annoying after the first 5 mins, especially after the regular complain of setting your health limit to about 5000% that it takes 5 mins to kill a life. i'm irritated by WoW chatter, cos it makes no sense. yes, its a nice game; no, i do not wish to 'integrate' into such a 'society'. for the last time, DoTA is a mod, not even a full fledged game. no i do not find memorizing game detail interesting, learning of characterization of comic characters ranks above it just due to the english terms i can pick up (like 'curmudgeon'). no, i do not find that your (fit in character class) can own his(other character class), but i can own both your computers by killing the power source. and for the other last time, the special terms they use in the game are not self created by the creators...the sounds like "owning" and such are from UNREAL series. no, i don't think he understood your solution to the problem, but that can be attributed to the fact that you're shouting and screaming and hitting someone. yes, i think you and him make a wonderful couple, but i suggest you should get a room cos the rest of the world don't need to hear you two bickering. yes, i think your jokes are nice, they would also be nicer if you didn't punctuate an exclamation mark with a vulgarity. yes, i may be avoiding you, but since you look down on everyone, then i'm just saving both our times. no, i do not hate you, you just happen to be in the wrong group at the wrong time. yes, i do agree that having fun is part of life, but i also know that growing up is too, and part of that is maturing, so grow up already and stop whining about his big mouth. it makes my day more when you didn't talk badly about any teachers and ACTUALLY study. yes, i am aware i'm not exactly the brightest person, but i'm not judging you, so don't try to take personal hits at me. you know, maybe if you listened in class instead of discussing WoW tactics, your studies might be a bit lighter.

all those above thoughts also have to be removed, or else nothing productive comes to mind. if i did voice them out, well, no one is going to listen change. cos they just think i'm a abnormality in society, so i'm basically weird in all ways possible.

it makes me tired, to know that whatever i do is always overshadowed. maybe i'm not so smart, hell i'm definitely not as smart as some pple believe i am. just today my brain and mouth just refused to connect, i couldn't read the number 69...i kept reading it as 56,65,59. my education depends on that number and i couldn't say it suddenly, just fumbled over and over. can't read a simple number...that's so bull.

i'm breaking, but if i'm already in pieces i have no idea what i am now.

Dark Knight...or was it duckwing duck-knight?

2008-08-12T22:48:00.003+08:00

went to see Dark Knight with family, and then next day with friends.

i have to say, i am awed by the show. sure, its not a 100% correct portrayal of comic characters, but they sure do fit VERY WELL.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: Bale is amazing. he has the creepy harsh batman voice when in the suit, and has this flamboyant playboy charm when in public. Though, as my brother later pointed out that as batman, he shouldn't become emotionally angry, this is still like batman:year one. (also cos it makes good story for a love triangle).

Best scene with bruce wayne: either the one where he meets Dent for the first time in the restaurant and calmly calls for a additional table in his whimsical manner; or when he saves his targeted employee by running his Lamborghini in front of the police vehicle to prevent a head on collision, and then calmly jokes about going to a hospital to Gorden.

Best scene in transition: when he takes down a joker gang member and calmly enters a 'panic room'.

Best scene with Batman: err...every scene with batman?

Heath Ledger as Joker is a killer. his magic pencil trick is a bit funny and disturbing. his constant retelling of the origins of his scars is a bit like joker, in the end you don't know if he is telling the truth or not. He really is creepy, with that psychotic charm.

Best scene with Joker: also every scene in the movie with Joker

Funniest Scene with joker: that would either be his hospital appearance in a nurse's uniform, pencil trick, or blowing up the hospital scene (where he stands in the middle of the road, rapidly pressing the detonator and suddenly the bombs goes off)

Food for thoughts from the Prince of sLaughter: "dog chasing car" analogy. in one way or another, a lot of people are like dogs chasing after a car. when we finally caught one, we have no clue what to do with it.

Gorden is the poor normal person caught between everything. But he is also the only 'normal' person that shines in the movie. Dent was suppose to be the best of the three, but in the end, Gorden who being the most human is also probably the better. you'll almost cry with him at the end of the movie when he is forced to turn against his best pal bats. his son also provides one of the ending lines in the movie alongside him, that marks the distinction of batman. and its those last lines that will really make you cry.

Best scene with Gorden: the last portion of the movie, when tensions are high and all during the ferry crisis to the end.

Special mention goes to the Hummer aka the new-age heavy duty batmobile. that is the sweetest ride EVER. no one was sadder than my dad when it self-destructed. engineers and their toys. still, the last line of the Hummer was the darn cutest thing ever: "goodbye" sfx boom sfx.

another special mention goes to the Bat-pod,the COOLEST BIKE EVER. blows up cars, races across the streets, dives UNDER an the big rig eighteen-wheeler, and does that RIDICULOUSLY INSANELY COOL 180degree turn ON THE WALL. the next comparable bike stunt to that is DMC3 Dante's inhuman drive up the tower using a modified bike, and using the same bike as a weapon in midair.(too bad he blew up the bike in the process)

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dog chasing car analogy

probably one of the more thought provocative lines in the show (apart from "die as a hero or live to become the villan"). it reflects on some parts of society, where we rush for the newest stuff, but after we get our hands on it, find out that we don't know what to use it for. everyone is chasing something: iphone, macbooks, latest gadgets. Do we really need to ride the wave and join the rest in of the world in a crazy frenzy? even i fall under this catergory, and even if i do catch the car, i have no idea how to continue after that?

arggggh....need to hulk smash something...

and it kind if sucks being in a good school sometimes. cos here i'm completely insignificant. everyone is better in all ways than me, so there are times where i am completely redundant or ignored. kind of...buggy

doubts

2008-08-08T00:15:00.002+08:00

there are several kinds of people: one of them is the kind where they do what they believe is right, probably is right, but is constantly haunted by self-doubt and indecision.

now, i'm think my interests are in conflict with everyone else's interest. everyone wants happiness, but the big problem is, when i'm there, boredom enters and the happy field flees. i understand that you don't have to be the most entertaining person to make lively company. However, i am becoming increasing worried that when i feel happy, often everyone else isn't, and vice versa. one kind of people are the ones who are confident of whatever they do, no matter what situation they are in. that is someone i am not, and often enough confidence is what makes the mundane not mundane.

worrying about everything is stupid, but then not worrying is also stupid. i just pray the choices i make won't hurt anyone, because i have enough self guilt to carry.

i feel happy when people are happy, but they aren't happy when i'm around...so should i factor out the problem?

this is stupid, i am stupid. there is no reason why i should make myself suffer over nothing.

and there is the other weird issue in my head: if everyone pursues special, wouldn't special become not special? would normal be special? then what is normal?

x is the negative b plus/minus root of b-squared minus four a times c, divided by 2a

i feel crappy, i feel sad but cannot cry, i feel angry but cannot vent, i feel free but have a strait jacket on, i do not understand...emotions are confusing, rationality is making no sense, empirical testing is useless, perception is universal, language is manipulated.

tired. i want to sleep and dream but fear what i might perceive. i walk a path yet cannot see.

i am not emo, i am not contemplating anything dangerous. i'm just lost.

peak on NMR indicate different chemical environment

i'm not sure i can make meaningful relationships anymore. dissociation has some side effects...lost on the mind

fear drives human to extremes, but sometimes to greater heights

curiosity was what killed the cat, which is good considering i don't own one.

pH of phenolphthalein is slightly acidic

i can't remember...have i been punishing myself?

the term renal refers to kidney

the term prince of persia no longer refers to an individual, but several.

nothing more distraught than a confused mind.

tired

2008-08-02T22:26:00.001+08:00

tired...but alive

reasons and errors: lost in doubt

2008-07-27T00:28:00.003+08:00

probably the only reason why i still keep a blog is because i can't communicate. no one will understand me, so i have to internalize everything: pain, guilt, love, hate, a big bundle of emotions are tied to a weight and left to drop in the ocean of myself. and i've lost sight again. everywhere is whatever i cannot reach, being around people reminds me of who i am not, can never be but is what society expects of me.

the epiphany that struck me, was not a great idea...was the saddest idea ever. What if all i have been doing is just in vain? everyone is happy, why am i the only one who hates himself inside out, because i bring pain instead of happiness? am i the plague that hides itself as a cure? if i constantly look out for others, there must be nothing to look for in me. i don't need pple to dislike me or hate me, i can do that for them.

i don't want to be a burden. i see my friends have enough to worry about, i shouldn't add my weight to theirs. so why do i feel to heavy? i am not doing anything wrong, other than denying myself of a fantasy that cannot be fulfilled.

if i am not sad, why do i cry? if i do not feel pain, what is that stinging feeling? if i can move, why do i stand still? if i can talk, why can't i converse?

there are countless number of ways to approach this: i could be mad/insane, i could be depressed, i could be burnt out, or i could just be simply weird enough to do introspection to rip out my heart.

sanity is overrated, talent is overrated, arrogance is retarded, love is scary, being normal is underrated, humility is lost in the seas of falseness, reality is inverted, fantasy is burned on a stake, humanity was lost in war, music is buried in noise, art is mingled with trash.

i removed myself from others, some chose to remove themselves from me. i guess i am really a plague of craziness.

even if my life is a farce, i still wanted it to be meaningful...

the days 111 posts

2008-07-13T22:22:00.002+08:00

best quote of the day: (outside a japanese buffet next to the pricing board) "we may be 18, but we're emotionally at 5 yrs old. if you average it off, we're under 12" normal price is $20, under 12 is $10.90 (of course we paid the proper price)

back to sch,exams over, more stress than ever, brain a bit overloaded. i think i need a emotion lock and a personality lock.

most interesting phrase i saw today "blasphemy,shortest shortcut to hell"

do you get the feeling that there are a lot of people around you who are like you? do you ever find some of them disdainful? do you realize what you should be feeling? fear. you should be ever inch afraid that you become what you hate, what others hate.

I am feeling afraid. i know there are very few people who is even remotely close to my personality. and i am very very afraid of the similarities sometimes. i don't want to become some forceful dominant person, i just want to help. using force doesn't answer all questions, being submissive opens some more options. and i do weigh the implications of my actions, making each choice a mini ethical decision. i am scared, because there are no answers, no right or wrong, and there is barely anyone to ask for help.i am scared that one screw up makes the slippery slope.

this is obviously added by the fact i am guessing someone really really doesn't like me. probably hates me since sec4 and has never actually talked to me for the past 2 years directly. wonder why. must be a big hint.

i need a big way to get problems out of my head. my circle of known people is probably the smallest around the whole school. my existence is probably the most questionable considering there are few pple who actually acknowledge that i exist. anyone got a de-problem-nator? i really really need to get issues out of my head.

mooney rhymes with looney

2008-06-22T01:14:00.003+08:00

Spider-man (on moon knight's mental state) "mooney rhymes with looney"

i must be a bit looney and fresh out of ideas, because i seriously can't believe i'm going to use war trivia to justify semantics and colloquial language. i am really out of ideas.

and my parents are back from Timor Leste. wanted to go also, but school got exams after hols...that sucks (having exams just after hols, and missing a trip overseas)

i also note that my tagboard has been 'hijacked' by crazy advertisers, who (like those bank pple who call me to advertise about a credit card) are wasting their time. seriously, i don't even spurge on anything (yet) so i don't really need either.

maybe after exams i might actually have something to spend money on. but up to then, technology is moving really slowly, not many great games, firefox got a new update which is great (not that it really needed one, but now it looks and works better than the previous version, and the previous one was great), i'm indulging in comics like ultimate spider-man again (which is fun). maybe after exams i go find the second-hand bookstore and spurge on foxtrots comics!

i miss the old days, i mean when i was still in primary school. a bit easier, lots of mistakes i could have altered, 'change' the future. but there is that egging voice at the back of my mind (its the good voice) that tells me to see the present and what i would lose if i changed or remained in the past. maybe i like/hate the present, its a complex relationship.

on the lighter side, i just saw a clip of Avenue Q on the Royal Variety Performance. Made my laugh my head off, how many pple in Singapore watch Muppets and Sesame Street and then Avenue Q? i for one never managed to actually watched the Muppets, but i'm a fan of Jim Henson and Kermit the frog and many sesame street muppets.cookie monster is my eating guru, big bird and snufflenuapagus(can't spell name, he's the mammoth), grover is like the klutz big hearted person, and elmo is the eternally young child. Avenue Q is like Sesame Street for Adults. this particular clip has one really funny aspect, the puppets actually swear IN FRONT OF THE QUEEN (censored in the clip, though largely audible)!!! (one of the puppets later appears to actually address that fact). (another clip from their appearance in a charity show for children has them toning down the vulgarity, from f*** to s***, again censored on the clip)

so, i'm off going to find a metal iron tortoise and a potato masher that has more in common with a pomegranate that is made of metal seeds.

p.s. in case that was too abstract, i was referring to a tank and the kind of grenades used by Germans during WWII (the shaft/stick grenade). a grenade derives its name from the French word for pomegranate.

being a friend

2008-06-10T11:42:00.002+08:00

the good part about being a friend: all your problems are shared

the bad time to be a friend: when the other person doesn't recognize you as a individual and/or friend.

but we still do the job anyway.

maybe that's why the world is a bitter place sometimes. you don't treat others as better than you, as a peer or beyond. you treat them as underlings. thats why everyone is sooooo bitter and angry. because when you discover that this 'underling' is actually better than you, you lose composure and go mad and angsty.

and sometimes the answer to all our questions are right in front of us, but we don't see them. thats why we need friends, they will place a sign right where we will notice it to show us the way to the answers, some would even take the answer and bring it to you.

but friends are also people too. they need their own time and space and have their own questions to answer. its a mutual relationship that needs to be established.

(you see, when i'm NOT thinking properly, i come up with all this more normal thoughts, and i don't go emo. i need a new hobby after fencing...)

feeling down out and beaten

2008-06-08T21:45:00.002+08:00

maybe it becomes more prominent during the holidays, but i'm more than aware that i'm one of the LEAST popular people around ANYWHERE...that and that i'm really really dumb.

and i don't even know why i'm thinking such things! it just pops up in my head, and like every time i go anyway, i stick out like a sore thumb. i can't talk to people in my class cos i don't 1)play dota or wow or many mainstream games, 2)have a real avid interest in many sports, 3)have more 'normal' hobbies, 4)catch the latest news in school; which forms the basis of most conversations. i can't talk to people in youth cos 1)most of them don't even know my name or my existence(which is pretty much accepted that i don't exist), 2)i don't really fit in with any cliche group; which more or less ejects me from most conversations.

maybe beating myself up like this is a way of relieving stress...

i don't know, getting weird fears that anything i do just fails, and that i just make everything good bad just by being near it. not sure, but parts of everything that i know is breaking down and nothing sticks. i can't even find the pieces to fix them back. and then if you wait on everyone else, who will wait for you?

i don't know, what is more disturbing? that i type in metaphors that most of the time barely make sense? or that i don't know whats wrong or in some weird state of denial practically every time i think?

i've mentioned the stuff written in this post at least twice before, i don't even know why i still type them. maybe i just need to keep saying it just so that i don't pop my brain just thinking about it.

maybe i'm happy that i'm like this. i get to read comics and books, i get to study, i get to try out more normal hobbies from a time before computer gaming dominated the world's youth population. i enjoy less mainstream games that are by far the most adrenaline fun i had, sports that i might not get a chance to try elsewhere. a family and friends that support me and show me the right way. so i guess i can stand on two feet besides always being the one to watch people run ahead.

(a glimpse into the chaotic thinking process)

dreams

2008-06-05T11:12:00.002+08:00

something i hadn't really have for a long time...dreams. probably due to a hectic slping time during term time, but now i starting to have dreams again.

the first dream was so realistically unrealistic. i had some of my classmates over in my house playing marvel ultimate alliance. except that it wasn't ultimate alliance (cos there wasn't a cutscene where iron man and hulk talked to each other) and it wasn't my current house. i apparently lived on the roof of a shopping mall, a terrace house on top of mall. and the front door was on the second floor, and it lead to a spiral staircase that lead all the ways down to another floor and the ground floor. so i left the room, and went down until i met a friend on the stairs. she handed me my dad's car keys, and then my dad popped up on a higher floor asking for the keys. i threw up them but they fell to the ground and the ring that held the keys together broke. i asked my friend to watch the keys while i ran down. i reached and put the keys together and thats when the dream ended.

the second dream was just crazy. i dreamed that TMNT had just used my house as a last stand position against the foot. a lot of fighting and teleporting. and interesting enough, the turtles present were leonardo, mikey, raph, raph future, but not don.

if dreams had meaning, i have no clue what any of these mean.

subcultures of students

2008-06-02T15:46:00.003+08:00

the culture of students is rather obvious: we study, we learn, we take exams, we get results. nothing really complicated. but thats when the subculture takes effect.

i know there is a lot of articles about "snobbish" behaviour in schools...and i hate to say they are always true, and thankfully at the same time they are wrong. you cannot group students of the same school into the same group of behaviour, i'm certain that out of a population size that big, there has to be plenty of deviation from the 'norm' or 'snob'.

so basically, why do people pick on this 'snob' behaviour? simple: IT'S DISGUSTING! seriously, it is like "Animal Farm" reproduced, "all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others". ridiculous.

so what is a snobbish behaviour? its like rich-kid syndrome. too much free cash. not paying attention in class? tuition; new com? why go for a normal working desktop, go for extreme 'cool' (despite having the practicality of a peanut). and there is phrase i heard over and over in sec3 and sec4: go to sch to get taught, so you pay teachers to teach.

first of all, its a privilege to go to school. no matter how boring and dry it is, it is still a privilege to go to school (just think of history, when schools first started). teachers are not obliged to teach, they are called to share their accumulated knowledge, and are paid to compensate the fact that they could have gotten better paying jobs outside if they didn't became teachers. WE as students are obliged to listen to what they share with us, to learn as much as we can from their experience.

then there is the issue of practicality. somethings in the world was just made to be a white elephant, with as much daily use as how a nut can feed you for years (aka the use can be counted in miliseconds); others have so practical, you cannot go without it(aka its use can be measured in years). when you finally realize how fragile life is, you understand the money and the most expensive items mean nothing. your mac air can only last you years, but a strong friendship will stretch beyond your death. a good house will last you through your lifetime, but good children will last one generation and will have impact on future generations.

you can look this way and see many snobs. but look another way, and you'll always find their antithesis: the students who are truly students. academic honesty, a RIGHT SENSE OF MIND to observe certain things like individual work. thats not to say we donated our souls to get a 4.0GPA, i'm sure many of us have times enjoyed some good stuff like good food, a new gadget. but they're not show offs. there is the lack of a narcissistic need to be the center of the world.

i think there are several things that define who we are, one of them is our actions. just think about what you've been doing and you'll see how much the pple around you can influence you. i'm certain there was at least a period of time this year alone when i was snobbish, and i regret doing what i did then. in retrospect, it was stupid and achieved nothing.

so why do we worry if we don't get the newest 'toys'? there is no lack of happiness, i've been playing with the same lego set since i was born, never grew sick of it. (i still have them under my bed, my cousin treats them like treasure)

money cannot buy happiness.

worth

2008-06-02T15:30:00.002+08:00

today's topic "worth" is brought to you by the letters W, O, R, T, H, and the number 5!

arguably, it must be one of the hardest things to quantify: worth. and of course defining 'worth' is another trouble: worth to others? worth to society? self-worth?

after the simple task of deciding on what worth depicts, you have to wonder: do you have worth? are you worthy of the task assigned or the dream you always want?

i cannot conclude, just how much i am worthy of: of attention, of supervision, of love, of hate. its no longer the issue of being under-appreciated, but of over-appreciation. what if i'm not what people expect me to be? what if i cannot live up to their expectations? what if i practically don't exist because i am relatively low-profile in almost all areas of my life?

just becos i never participated in science competitions doesn't mean i don't have a avid (though rather idealistic) interest in science. i fear that i will lose out eventually, cos i don't have such pedigree in such areas. doesn't mean i never tried, doesn't mean i'm horrible at it. doesn't mean i never took an IQ test my whole life that i have horrible IQ (i'm personally too lazy to actually sit through one). but thats all the world wants to see, results and grades. the intangible cannot be quantified and for most cases the intangible goes largely ignored. makes you wonder why anyone brought up in such a society would risk neck and limb for others? because that is what defines a person: not only what he does for himself, but more importantly what he does for others, and what he does that no one sees.

what he does himself shows his potential in his growth and his motivation that drives him to achieve it. what he does for others shows external concern for his peers. what he does that no one sees truly determines what kind of person he is.

If he grumbles about others behind their backs, there is not much to trust about him is there? you can make him happy, but once you make him angry, he'll badmouth you to kingdom come while you're not in the same room.

If his actions contradict what he does for others, then he's a hypocrite. you can't trust him because he's just putting up a show for others.

If he is truly a gentleman, then you'll won't see much difference. he is what he was in front of others, he is not hiding anything, consistently putting others before himself.

but these are like intangible qualities that not many get time to analyze.

then what is worth if you can't seem to match up to expectations? what if i don't think i can meet goal and find the courage to do anything? what if gaining self-esteem is like fighting a losing battle? when false confidence stumbles into cocky behaviour and eventually a screwed up personality?

(i rather continue, but i realize of something more important to say)
so i simply conclude that i cannot find my worth...not enough...it always fall short of everything.

dear diary

2008-05-28T22:10:00.002+08:00

well, lets not be too unhappy, i did make it past 1st sem alive. though maybe sooner or later i'll wish i didn't.

maybe i'm in denial or something, but my brain doesn't want to work with anything i'm doing. sure, its taking in information, but apparently its not keeping it or letting me have access to it when i want it.

maybe being around pple who are way smarter than you stresses you out. maybe there is a theory that will explain everything about harmful effects of stress on a body. and then maybe i'll find out why my heart beats so fast in school. seriously 16 beats per 10 second is like 4 beats faster than the average person in my class. and it doesn't respond well to stimulus like bloody hot chili, or scary pictures. but it does respond to excerise (which it jumps to like 21 beats per 10 seconds), and to external stresses (like lets say, two teachers standing around?) (which it jumps from like 60+ beats per minute to almost 100)

and then of course, there is the rolling chaos that is my life. it likes to increase entropy even when i want it to decrease.

so tired...maybe i might just fall one day...maybe.

it was always about the "maybe"s

the round about

2008-05-23T19:15:00.002+08:00

well, i managed to salvage of what little of my life i have left back.

though i'm fatigued, and i think i'm burning out. and i'm thinking recent events might soon continue on further.i have the gut feeling; its either that or i'm hungry again.

going to the nut house

2008-05-16T23:44:00.003+08:00

i've really been pushed off the edge...i can't think straight, i have moments of 'evilness', all the craziness just growing up in the cracks. and now i'm falling back into a identity/personality crisis.

i just said that i'm a lousy friend...which really sadly is a really sad fact. i know i've said it before, but this time it really has meaning. and it really hurts. i highly doubt this will improve much...

in the meanwhile, i'll go find a corner. need to go hide in the shadow or something. and making sure that in the few days of solace i can find what's left of me.

the 100th post

2008-05-16T18:12:00.002+08:00

my 100th post. suppose to be happy and lively and full of lame jokes.

if you think you can get that, i'm sorry, turn off your computer now.

my week turned from good to ridiculously rotten...

oh yeah, the sch's rugby team won gold, great, i feel happy for them. and then my life just went down from then on.

mending pieces won't do this time. and i didn't do anything this time, though maybe because i didn't do anything that it became my fault. yet i didn't start the problem, someone else did and now i'm implicated in it.

is there a reason why people with good intentions always have their plans backfired? is there a reason why nice people always suffer worse?

it sucks, when just being there creates problems.

sometimes i wonder, whether it is possible to just fade away, from life, memory and time. but that's just a fantasy and i can't live in that.

life must suck if you hate yourself

2008-05-16T00:03:00.001+08:00

well, life must suck if you hate yourself...can't get any simpler than that.

New feeling

2008-05-14T20:17:00.002+08:00

so this would be the new layout for a LONG while. credit to the pple who created it (see credit section)

and also, i revived my tagboard...cos it originally died. i have to code and previous layouts prevented me from implanting it. so now i have a layout that has, due to popular demand (of like...11, which is basically all the people who view this blog) the TAG BOARD HAS MADE A Grand and sudden RETURN!

also returning for the second season is the LINKS SECTIONS, which previously was completely lost and outdated. NOW IT IS NEW, IMPROVED, AND FULL OF PUNS.

you might see small changes here and there, but this is how it will be for a long time to come.

so enjoy.

PS: for any body who has searched this blog by typing "Jonathan Leong" into google... if you are looking for the Singapore Idol contestant J.Leong, pls remember that he has no younger brother...and that my older brother would like you to send your fan-mail to the right jonathan leong. thanks

Conviction

2008-05-11T19:45:00.002+08:00

no matter what you do, do it with your best: that is the essence of conviction. you have to carry out your burden to the end of the world if need be, but you have to see the end of it. conviction, the unstoppable motivation that drives you to achieve. conviction, the desire to finish the beginning you wrote, to complete the story.

today, i walked to piano class when this guy popped up of anywhere. i was half-awake and this guy kept going on about his entrepreneurship competition and how he had to raise $15 from $1. However, if you look at his product, you'll be severely disappointed. this dude showed me that he folded paper clips in to hearts. Sincerely, that ticked me off. this guy first shows up, talks nonstop about this without even getting acknowledgment from me that i'm actually trying to give him attention (which i was trying not to), then he cuts me off from my direct route to piano and makes me walk this circle to try to get around him, which results in him cutting me off. i wasn't even making eye contact, my eyes were focused on trying to find a spot where i won't step on him while i move RIGHT (which was the direction he was blocking)

secondly, while i'll give that guy credits for courage and for being in the spirit of an entrepreneur, i am not convinced that whatever he wants me to pay for the clips is worth it...no conviction whatsoever (in fact, i didn't get a chance to hear it, i got so tired of hearing him i quickly spouted out words and walked off)

so that my share of boring afternoon...

the morning might be quite bad...considering how i went out...i couldn't catch a word of the message...seriously, maybe there is a reason why Moses' childhood wasn't mentioned (though the point that maybe God put him there to get the best education of his time might be highly valid)...was lost on several of the speaker's points, some were speculations. i guess the right conclusion is that God does thing in mysterious way that we cannot grasp, and we should let it run, cos seriously what God does never screws up and is always for a purpose.

you can also tell from the conclusion i made that i spent little time listening and more time reading.

and so lets end

happy mother's day

back to the main program of running a teen brain...

day in and day out

2008-04-28T19:57:00.003+08:00

another day in , another day out...rarely much has changed from the status co...except i screwed up and didn't study for a test i didn't know was today...so i'm gonna fail econs..again.. not that it was my best subject, in fact its my worst. so i was so sure i'm going focus camp, though not going would help actually.

so chem test came out quite well...though i lost marks for no reason...so careless.thankfully, this is my best subject.and i really studied.though maybe i could have done more...maybe i could say there were a couple of factors pushing me on.

and then i probably said something i should not...and the funny part this is both the most important and least important worry on my list...depending on which part of 'me' is looking at it.

sometimes, you wonder if i'm really doing the right thing? or am i just dreaming?

i wonder where the mature daniel went to? did i ever lose every bit of my personalities? are they sealed inside me? how did i lock them up and lose the key? maybe it was a good decision? but did i lock up good parts of me? did i try so hard to be accepted that i lost who i was? am i really not putting up a show? but it feels like i'm me...for once

have i lost sight? or have i found the path again?

well, i've found direction for my drawing, i have to put a pause on my demon arm story for a while i do hw and prepare for math test, and then when i do get back to drawing, i need to do character art for like...three characters for a fencing story and then back to my own characters.

one year older but not a day younger

2008-04-17T21:01:00.003+08:00

well, it was quite an interesting birthday i had yesterday. Chai yi, Christina and Song suddenly held a small party near the new audi, with cake and candles and lots of pictures taken,some of which is me pigging out. cos the cake tastes quite nice, i'm quite reluctant to finish it off so soon.

well, apart from the party and the cakes, i got two more bday presents: my new blade i call Azurite (after its bluish look, anyway it goes well with my desktop which is called Azure Sky) and i used Azurite to beat ryan 15-11...though now its a little harder to get back up to that standard.

all that is left is the promise. but the more i think about it, the more insecure i become. should i do it now? or wait for later? i'm not constantly feeling like i'm gonna burst,sometimes i do feel like i should just take the plunge but something i feel i will never be able to live it up, and that makes me hesitate more and think twice of consequences.

Feeling High

2008-04-13T22:34:00.002+08:00

ate too many eclairs...

so here are the random one-liners

Kira will kill for Justice!
Light will eat for a happy place!
Misa will date for Kira!
Wammi will Wham you!

bwahahahaha....(rolling on the floor)

(rainbow) says:
hmm ok daniel
control. moderation. [Medea's Chorus]

No Thumbs Up

2008-04-10T21:13:00.002+08:00

ok, been one hell of a week. trying to salvage it tomorrow, not only for myself but for others.

been a little relieved since the last post, a lot of things have happened between then and now. i'm not sure about everything, but hiding things have never been my good point. now that the people i've been hiding from know, its a little relieving.

i got myself an early birthday present: A NEW FOIL (to replace the one that broke during the competition) its a bit better quality than the one that broke, so it'll hopefully last longer.

i always say "my foil is like a substitute girlfriend"...well...considering i don't have a real girlfriend, so taking my blade to training is like taking it out, so it more or less qualifies. as long as it doesn't die on me.

I NEARLY BEAT RYAN...still lost to him 15-11, dang. was catching up and then just died...dang. anyway, any victory over ryan would be kind of bittersweet, regarding the promise i made to myself...

despite all the administrative stuff i've been put through, i'm surprisingly a bit uplifted in the end. no idea, i haven't really done anything special today, nothing special done to me, so i can't really explain why i feel not so emo and down today. really.

beyond fatigue

2008-04-07T19:13:00.003+08:00

i'm sure by now most of the pple who read this blog knows, TEAM AC WON GOLD FOR A DIV FENCING ~FOIL~!!! ok celebration over,i'm glad something snapped into place when i started fencing team, somehow everything seemed more possible and easier, not to mention more fun. THANKS FENCERS FROM RJC,ACJC,CJC,HCI for letting us fence you guys, was really a great experience.

and now i'm trying to pick up the pieces of my academic history. and also trying to avoid myself. i'm sure the bout of lethargy i'm facing is not from just overworking and late nights, it's probably from the conflict my mind and heart present. logically thinking, what i want is not what i can get,always being out of reach...yet now something keeps telling me to try harder for that little hope. suppressing both feelings of the unachievable and desire takes its toll on my sanity sometimes. hope is no longer a pushing factor, it's a pulling factor making me stumble and bothers me over senseless issues. for some weird reason, i'm such a fool;pple have told me to just try, and pple have laughed at me. i tie myself up in randomness to avoid the issue, i run into silence to cower away from its noise,and time and time again it haunts me for my decisions.

i am indecisive? or just reclusive? or a complete idiot?

can i see the means to the end? can i make it true?

i know several years back, i stopped wanting gifts for my birthday. but with it around the corner and this confusion...i was hoping for two things, i forgot one of them[edit: i just remembered, an eyeshine album], but the other more important one is still stuck in my head. i know there is like negligible chance that it will come true, and even if it does, i doubt i can maintain the wish...but i rather be wishing and disappointed at my own lack of action than never ever wishing for it. i would rather feel the pain of never seeing it but had kept the hope than losing hope from the start.

i must be contradicting myself again, cos i know none of this makes sense...being cryptic and all. i know a few of you will understand, and for that i'm grateful for your understanding. pretty much afraid that who i am will screw up any chance for anything...or anyone...

more and more i realize how messed up i am...and then i look forward and think "crap, there is no way i can do it...not now...not ever" but a voice from inside "who cares who i am, i can change to be better, i have been like that and have always moved forward, what stops me from doing this task?" which leaves me stunned cos i know the next step will either break or make me...and now i cannot make the step, i know that there is no requirement of me, yet i know i am either ready to make the next step or am just too stupid to make the next step...

i've lost my ability to make some witty comment, cos if my soul screams out, my heart were to run away, i would lose all sight and just fall..in the end, your mind can only let us do so much, your heart will push you on, and your soul will cement your position.

the days after TOP-day

2008-03-31T00:09:00.002+08:00

well, that was one stressful week...

i felt that tok presentation was neatly done. Justin proportioned the sections nicely so it was more or less evenly split...just that i should have tried to answer the judges questions more, which was my biggest flaw.

i felt that if i had said something back then, it would have been in opposite of my co-presenter...i mean, i'm an idealist, i have ideas, not realism. well the ideas would seem interesting on paper, they would make crappy politics or international laws.

then was math portfolio, i'm sure i left something out...but i've worked hard for it, worked all night for it. still don't understand how girls can stay awake the whole night...i know at least 2 girls who went the entire night without much sleep. ironically, i'm like hyper-the-energizer-bunny-with-a-smiling-face the next day in sch, while most of the class is still typing and printing. of course, one bus ride later and watching transformers twice and i'm ready to kiss the pillow. slept 12 hours, from 7pm to 7am, to awake from a dream that was going bad.

talking about transformers, bumblebee was the funniest autobot with his drive-on shoot-rage. and there was one scene where mega fox look distinctly like another actress (must be the hair style and)...and shia running away from scary megaton robots (conincidentally called megaTrON...megatron=megaton+r)...reminds me of a poster i saw on the net called inspiration, showing shia running away from one decepticon,(the catch phrase was "cause i sure don't know a better reason to run").watched it twice cos it was just worth watching them battle it out, i'm a trans-fan.also cos shia was the nerd underdog that i'm rooting for and megan fox is hot (but these are side benefits to the main attraction, which is Optimus Prime and his showdown, though i felt maybe it was too one-sided and short).

also listened to the commentary by the director, at which i impressed at the level of realism he has to keep to,and the stuff he managed to rope into the show, including all the vehicles and high tech equipment. and of course i'm more impressed when he explains how they did that 'scorpianox' (can't figure how to spell name) scene with the earth mimic the effect of the decepticon underground tunneling, explosives under the ground timed and controlled by them to explode one after the next to create the wave. can you imagine the actors after the director told them the situation and that they must NOT fall while running..seriously dangerous stuff, but i'm sure you've seen the effect, was bloody COOL.

ok, nerding out for a while. but because of math and tok, i've not had a good week. one area of my life (academics) seemingly passed uneventfully, but the rest of my life still falls. now i have to catch up further cos the fencing season is back in. and i'm wondering after i stop fencing, will i be able to piece my life back together?

not-so-funny titles

2008-03-17T21:50:00.003+08:00

obviously noted by the title, this post is suppose to be humorous, because i can't decide what the root of my emotional problems are...so i'm avoiding the question.

so here goes, potential 'titles':
Ultimate Slacker (sounds like a super hero...haha)
Master of Procrastination
Jack of No Trade, Master of None
Budding artist (so soon you'll see me on a tree growing)
The Imaginative (sounds like "The Initiative")

well, if you got any good funny ones, do add a comment. because i'm the lame kind, can't tell a good joke to save my life.

i have emotional problems.to be exact, i have problems understanding emotions felt mostly due to the fact that i spent a couple of years dissociating it from my life, so now it's quite foreign to me. i live by reason for a time period, a result of which created a totally rational persona which in the end was harsher than anything else.

fiddling with homework, not making much progress.

drawing eyes are a pain in the ...eye.

drawing stances with attitude is a bit lacking in style and perspective, not to mention head.

i'm so happy! managed to finally pull up my english grade for the test back to 18/25. now i need to maintain this standard which will be a little hard. and of course the 5 econs IA i have to finish, my EE to improve, my TOK draft to continue.homework is always endless

somehow, these days, i lose inspiration to write...something prevents me from doing anything...

left behind...or at least out

2008-03-11T22:32:00.002+08:00

day events:piano grade 6 practical exam, fencing training, home. managed to beat ryan once in 5 point bout, but he wasn't serious and he beat me later in another 5 point bout, so i guess i still keep my promise. (though i managed to actually start countering a bit better...though still bad)

night thoughts: ever wonder if the world keeps secrets from you? well, you're not alone. i'm wrecked by the fact that i know many events happen, many the explain things i see and yet i'm usually never hearing it, even if i'm indirectly involved. the paranoid feeling creeps in and amplifies any sense of being left out.

and of course there is the complete opposite in which i know something and i'm not sure if i tell pple of it will it help the person involved or just hurt.

secrets are a messy concept, one way makes pple hyper-paranoid and causes much of the common problems (the other main source is stereotyping). the other way makes first harder and yet make the situation hard for anybody.

so when is it right to learn or tell? when is it not right? moral and ethical?

sometimes i think its because i distance myself that pple are paranoid of me, maybe because of the years of things stored in me i am paranoid that i'll hurt someone unintentionally, or that because i know too much, i've become paranoid, a study of human reaction.

maybe i distance myself because i'm not sure and don't want to answer these questions.

how do you run away from yourself? how do you understand another? how can i help someone when i can't help myself?

it's like staring at pple's back (not that i do that...its an analogy), after a while, all you can do is look as pple go forward while you're stuck behind. you can't see forward, you protect the shadows. but after a while, does the loneliness ever crack the one running with his back to front.

i'm sorry if i perpetually sound depressed...maybe i am, i'm not too certain myself. but every time i start typing, everything starts bubbling up...all my fears, paranoia. i'm not too certain how i feel towards anything, how i am...i'm barely self-conscious sometimes.

(blank stare)

i'm sorry, where was i? oh, today's events...

nervous multicellular mass

2008-03-09T22:05:00.003+08:00

ahhh...piano exam in two days!!!!fingers not working well, mind not focused, thinking about too many things, too many things on mind. ahhhhh!

i really can't focus...my mind keeps changing topics every other minute, making hard to really think about something. and not to mention several unimportant subjects (not talking about my studies-subjects)...so i really wish i wasn't as old as i am and that i was a bit more normal.

the irony of the term "everyone is special" is that the world makes it such that when being "special" is "in", everyone wants to be "in" that "special" and it ain't "unique" anymore...so if you're not "in", then actually you're more "unique" than you think. wait...that didn't come out as well as i planned. crap, i can't even put together a meaningful statement anymore.

the thing is, i'm not considered in the "in/going" crowd (not to be confused with ingoing crowd who would be moving into a structure). i keep my senses aware(not to be mistaken with awake, cos i'm usually asleep), and yet i'm always out of the loop of information (not to be confused with THE LOOP or big whoop). every now and then i'm still acknowledged as being alive (no to be confused with a-hive), and i'm happy for that. so in a way, i'm not "special" as the world wants me to be, but that makes me different (in a way)...wait, that a paradox (but not your aorta)...arrrrghhhhh, circular arguments(not your intestines), loops of senseless information (not the loop of henle), the illogical logic(not your cerebrum).

AAAHHHH....can't stop thinking of bio cos that one of the big two textbooks sitting on my table, right next to big book number 2-chem)

man, i'm wacked. i really can't think straight...i need a can of tonic water (bwahahaha). maybe after a few cans, i can glow under UV light!(if you don't believe me, just check it out, quinine is fluorescent even in negligible amounts 'http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic_water' whether this work in humans, i have no idea.)

new progress...old sorrow

2008-03-05T23:09:00.004+08:00

well...somehow i managed to revive my drawing hand and am working on the eyes,the windows to the soul.still can't draw that.

well, life is as per normal: fighting for dominance against a angst-ridden rage, hiding inner conflict under a distant look, lonely hole in the heart that digs outwards from the center, losing to the spiral that eats my will up. the day to day living of losing, watching much better people lose and lose temper over it while you can only watch.

i can't blog about the issue i want to discuss...cos it is in conflict with one of my unwritten policies "don't blog about class events"...which is sadly what this issue is about. the week has been really sad...some atmosphere of depression. some guy broke down, some guy flared up, some dude just was reacting to the wrong root of the problem. out of the three, i think the only one that doesn't need the pity is the one with the wrong root, and he was shouting behind a door, not outside one. (and that is enough hints on what i'm talking about).

life is a sad thing when you get ignored. all you can do is watch as it passes, and sigh at outcome.

and now the goal seems further away...it's quite depressing and stressful

isolation can be such a pain when there is a nagging dark voice the demands company.

busy

2008-03-02T23:25:00.002+08:00

just for pple reading, let me clarify, that boy i mentioned in the previous post is not me...just a figment of hyperactive hands and imagination

and of course...i'm not depressed, just a little confused
and tired
and weary

and busy trying figure out my ee...

the story of a boy

2008-02-29T21:46:00.006+08:00

let me tell you a story:

i saw a boy. he is but a hollow shell, living each day with struggles. His passion and goal might be pure, but he fails each chance to reach it. each step he takes forwards takes him back three steps. he sees life run by him, people who come and go,event after event, story of miracles that flow past his ears, but his life is as plain as a blank sheet; nothing famous, not worth anything to others, nothing of great notice.you would think he would just fall down and disappear but after all these years, he never lost hope.

you can see in his eyes, the fire of his work is slowly dying. he can no longer see the future, he can only review the past. each lost hurts more than the last. first was the pin-prick, now it feels like an impalement for life. the sting hurts the more he walks. you can also see in his eyes, the fire refuses to die. consciousness fights to maintain his pace, his will backs his aching weakened body, his soul fuels his mind.

is there someone out there that shares his pain? is there someone who understands him as an individual? the heart to someone who despite his best always falls short of the best?

how can anyone notice the one who fights back the hardest? can you see the sweat from head? the bruises he carries? the hollowness in his heart eating his soul, the emptiness filling his being?

his arms grows tired, his mind weary, his body dies, his legs fail, his mouth drops, his voice lost in the winds,his will falters, his eyes clouded.

will you stand by him? will you arrive to clear his doubt? will you pull him from six feet under to stand among the living? will you drag him from defeat and drive hope back into his soul? will you be the one to help him find his vision, to find his path?

or

will you strike him down,ending his eternal torment? will you be the final stroke that will shatter his will, tear his heart apart, and finally crush his eyes? will you be the one to bury him in his incompetency, to seal his end with his own actions, unforgiving and un-forgetting?

the story cannot end, the boy still walks. he does not want to see the end, nor does he want to know the end, all he wants is to live his best, giving his best. the world will throw everything at him in years to come, but if the boy wants to live past that, he will need to live past today.

can you be the candle on his life? like how someone was a candle to your darkness? like how someone is the candle for the world?

burn in this boy the meaning to live, to live for others, for the struggle to exist never ends, but to exist for others is to exist nonetheless, so ends the never ending cycle.

heard enough of the story? feeling better? no? well, i'm sorry, this ain't no fairy tale. the only certainty in life is death and the uncertainty is mankind. i can't tell too many happy stories, because a portion of them would be lies. happiness and sorrow are created from the same mouth of man.

well, this marks the end of my post, and also this blog's secrecy that was held for several years...though i doubt it will make much different.

back from crazy-ville

2008-02-24T21:18:00.002+08:00

ok...i'm sorry, past few week been 'hell' for my brain. a bit better now, though everything is still in constantly random motion, i'm a bit more stable.

i realized (for the umpteenth time)that i can't do crap unless i get out of this emo mode again. i realized that i'm a horrible person when i'm like that and hence is not achieving anything. i realized that now i'm more worried about other things that what every i was emo-ing about seems pretty small. and now i'm pretty much happier and fuller(thanks to the amount of food i eat when i'm emo-ing)

i wonder now....is the lame daniel between than the normal daniel? i mean, how many of you have seen me during fencing training? i'm so lame, the fencing pple joked that it would be a service to remove me from the compounds.

there are good reasons why i'm a nice guy and girls don't like me:
1) i'm a nerd, means i spend time studying, money buying books and food and transport and stationary. not much left behind eh?
2) i'm a anime-nut sometimes, which makes me a little detached from the main crowd
3) i tell lame jokes, which is way i wear a metal mask that protects my head, several layers to protect my body and carry a foil. (i mean apart from fencing, it's to protect myself when half the club chases me for telling a joke)

maybe thats why fencing is one of the ways i like to relieve stress. i can be bloody annoying to fellow fencing mates, and the worst i'll get is a few bruises from fencing. (that and a really sore body due to the training)(the common term of endearment for my jokes is "later, you're gonna die"...touching eh? probably the motivation that drives pple not to lose against me, which is probably why i have such a hard time winning.)

i give myself up to june to settle my emotions, hopefully by then i can come to a conclusion and make up my mind. meanwhile, i'm just gonna keep my mind focused else where...like restocking my supply of lame jokes!

(chased off by a horde of pple)

p.s i work on the spur of the moment, those impromptu kind of lame jokes.
(gets chased off again)

Silence Of Sadness (S.O.S in case you didn't get it)

2008-02-21T23:40:00.002+08:00

i've been like that pretty much for two whole weeks. i can't find the source, i just feel lousy. everything doesn't fit, horrible drawing for bio test, forgetting equations for chem test; i seek my answer in solitude, but in this same silence it mocks me. i don't fit in, yet i long to be accepted, even though i know i'll fail. why,why,WHY?!

i'm beginning to start my distancing, it conflicts with human nature to improve among others, but right now i'm not really good company, and i'm afraid of things i can do when i'm not with a sound mind.

probably my main reason for this depression is my complete inability to understand my emotions. i don't understand anything going on with it. and because of that, i don't know how to respond every time it changes.

then there is the complete failure that is my life.i don't even know where to start with this one, it just started falling apart piece by piece, and now i'm hanging on desperately, hoping God can help me glue them back before the mirror that reflects my life shatters and is swept away by time. i don't know who i am anymore, hopelessly watching life go by: the tragedy that springs sorrow, the romance of others that is love, the friendship that i can no longer reclaim, the ignorance that is me, the future that is everyone else...there is no end to what i cannot see, what i cannot hope to find, what i have to seek eternal.

the irony of thought- through it, we have found knowledge, wisdom and to some extent maturity; but from it spawns self-doubt, fear. i cannot give it up, and even if i tried to abandon it, it clings to me unwilling to leave.

as i walk home alone, in the shadows of my mind it beckons; as i close my eyes, it stares down into my soul; as i sleep, it fills my dreams with nightmares. how can you fight a force that understands you more than yourself...

(titleless)

2008-02-17T20:09:00.004+08:00

k, i got bored and went to visit my friend's blog, and saw this quiz...so i thought i might as well rest a bit and do one version for myself.

Name:
Leong Yongsheng Daniel aka Titus Leon
Birthday:
16 April 1990
Birthplace:
The Operating Theater in Geneagles Hospital in Singapore
Current Location:
West side of the tiny red dot, in what used to be a swamp, Jurong
Eye Color:
Dark Brown/Black
Hair Color:
Dark Brown
Height:
Supposed to be 166 at least, but i'm 163
Right Handed or Left Handed:
Right Handed, though training for ambidex
Your Heritage:
Cantonese Chinese. Dad is Cantonese, Mum is Hokchew (though her side of the family speaks Hokkien)
The Shoes You Wore Today:
My favourite: New Balance. (coincidentally, my fall rate has drastically decreased since i started wearing NB shoes)
Your Weakness:
Lazy, Glutton, Low Stamina, Hyper imaginative, chicken-hearted
Your Perfect Pizza:
Repeat after me....CHEESE...SUPER CHEESE...ONLY CHEESE....my cheese *gollum...gollum*
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
To live long enough to take the exams, to draw something substantial and help others. Sub-goal:find enough courage to speak what i feel.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
yo
Thoughts First Waking Up:
going back to sleep
Your Best Physical Feature:
Looking extra skinny in my breeches? and looking like goofy while i'm at it? my skinny arms?
Your Bedtime:
Suppose to be 10.30, but i have not managed to sleep at that time for a long time
Your Most Missed Memory:
i wanted to put 'the time i kissed a girl'....but i never had that memory in the first place...dang
Pepsi or Coke:
Coke,but i prefer tonic water anytime. QUININE HYDROCHLORIDE ROCKS
MacDonalds or Burger King:
Mac...cos there are no BKs near my house
Single or Group Dates:
Either is fine, it depends on what time the date is. After fencing (and a good shower), i can tell lame joke after lame joke. After sch, better group.(that way my classmates and teachers won't hound me if they see me)
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Neither. i go for TONIC WATER
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Vanilla. the chocolate will be reserved for the future girlfriend so that she won't bite my head off after i tell my lame jokes.
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Coffee, from Timor Leste. the only coffee i will ever drink. otherwise no form of caffeine works on me. thats why i use TONIC WATER (sounds like propaganda, but its true, tonic water so far works)
Do you Smoke:
If i start smoking, i give you all permission to castrate me. just give me plenty of warnings before i start smoking.
Do you Swear:
Rarely. Typically, in order to stop swearing, i implement a self-censor function, all vulgarities are immediately silenced.
Do you Sing:
Not in front of people. But yes i do, i prefer chinese songs for a weird reason. apparently my voice only can hit the high notes when i sing in chinese (just play a David Tao song, i can prove it)
Do you Shower Daily:
High Humidity, relatively high temperatures, many guys in school claiming to be to damn hot (or cool)...Not much choice is there?
Have you Been in Love:
Not sure. But if i am exhibiting any form of love-stricken symptoms without knowing, i give you full permission to alert me, slap me hard in the face and help me out.
Do you want to go to College:
Yes. I want to go beyond college and go university. all the things i want to focus on is beyond the allowed capabilities of a pre-grad student.
Do you want to get Married:
Yes, if i can find the girl God lets me have. Though i fear for her, since she has to pass so many tests: the cousin test, parent test, friend-of-parents test, friends test, extended-family test.
Do you believe in yourself:
No. I quote Johnny Young Bosch, that my role in where i am now is similar to his role as the black power ranger, a "glorified extra".
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Don't think so.
Do you think you are Attractive:
No.
Are you a Health Freak:
No. I eat a lot, i try to work out a bit, i like fried food, i like fast food. what sense of healthy do i embody?
Do you get along with your Parents:
Pretty well.
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Yes and no. I love rain ever since i had hives that would flare up in the sunlight (it ended recently though, but i still dislike strong sunlight), Once stood out in the rain to drown a little sorrow and tears. i am fascinated with lightning, one of the coolest things in nature. it arcs in seemingly random places, but it appears rather beautiful. But its really scary and dangerous at the same time.
Do you play an Instrument:
Piano since young. i think i started in primary school.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
No
In the past month have you Smoked:
NEVER
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
If you consider in a medical terminology the definition of that, Panadol
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
Nope...not that i know of (did i go on a date and not know?). Would have really liked to, but no.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
Yes. Jurong East Entertainment Centre (JEC for short). i do need to eat. talking about that, i have a craving for long john silvers
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
No. been eating chinese new year goodies (which i'm banned from since i'm a compulsive eater, typically eating so much that i fall sick with a throat infection)
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Sashimi, from the huge chunk of salmon a small portion. looking forward to when my dad pulls it out from the freezer again.
In the past month have you been on Stage:
Yes, to play the keyboard for Youth Service last week. Still trying to regain my hearing and my voice.
In the past month have you been Dumped:
I'm not attached in the first place. but as much as irony can say, i would actually like to have been dumped, cos that means i have loved and been loved in such a relationship. but no.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
NEVER
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
No. i'm no thief.
Ever been Drunk:
Possibly. there was that time drank XO Fish Slices noodles, with the XO. Got so bad i couldn't really play the piano properly. and there was the time in Thailand where i drank a small cup of beer, and my whole face flushed. thankfully i had to stay awake the entire night, and so managed to get the alcohol out of my system.
Ever been called a Tease:
No. i've been teased, but pple usually give up given how weird and lame i am. but i try to not to tease pple. it's not nice when you're suffering like so.
Ever been Beaten up:
Ya. Beaten up someone too...never liked it.
Ever Shoplifted:
NOOOOOOO.
How do you want to Die:
don't know. in a normal fashion?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
A doctor, a person who is fully capable to help others physically through medicine. A cartoonist, someone who can heal beyond the body to reach the soul. A friend, someone who can heal you without touching you.
What country would you most like to Visit:
Almost forever, i would like to visit the USA. i've been there at least three times. i've been in San Fransico three times, never grew tired of that place. so apart from San Fransico, i'll love to go to Boston and at least stay there for a FULL year or through all four seasons. Otherwise, i'll rather stay close to family and friends.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:
No general preference. Though red is a cool colour for eye
Favourite Hair Color:
No general preference.
Short or Long Hair:
I actually prefer long. mid length is fine by me...short if it suits her.
Height:
No general preference
Weight:
preferably HUMAN
Best Clothing Style:
Up to her. i have bad colour coordination and poor fashion sense.
Number of Drugs I have taken:
(as previously mentioned, if you consider in the medical world the usage of such terms) Two: Panadol and Zyrtec (anti-histamine). Otherwise, none.
Number of CDs I own:
Two. i have one planet-shakers cd that truely belongs to me, and one cd someone gave to me. the planet-shaker cd is somewher in my bro's cupboard and the other one is with my mum. the rest of the music i listen to comes from my bro's ample supply.
Number of Piercings:
ZERO...i repeat ZERO (i have a mild fear of piercing every since some girl came up and pinched my ear saying it was pretty good potential to pierce)
Number of Tattoos:
Zero. needless to say, no one has ever told me to get a tattoo, and i like my body the way it is. (though i would prefer it to put on some more lean muscle and lose the remaining fat)
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Possibly a few. i'm not sure where to start. Hurting pple, losing contact with teng seng, being an overall a**hole sometimes, my big mouth in primary school, ok..plenty of things then.

missed training

2008-02-17T00:04:00.002+08:00

well, i missed training again. not something i'm really happy about despite the fact i get an extra 3 hours of sleep. recently, my mum has been pressing heavily that she isn't really happy that i have so many training days, and i'm know why: iTired + niceBed= noWorkdone

extended essay update: i just hit 1.7k words. and that's without my data, my calculations and conclusions,limitations,further discussions.

tok essay update: i have successfully filled my brain with trash and currently trying to empty it again to think properly is taking time. (aka haven't found time to just sit and think)

emotion update: unsuccessfully re-associated my brain with my emotions. currently still suffering some backlashes such as extended periods of silence, a sometimes distant stare.

brain update: unfortunately reformatted brain...restarting Central Nervous System in 10 seconds.

...CNS loading
System Check:
Checking Memory Space
1 bit space detected
WARNING: 1 bit space exceeded for 3TB Operating System
CNS might operate at a slower rate than subnormal
Would you like to proceed? Y
Checking Ports
Legs.........Operational
Hands......Operational
Torso.......Operational (though slightly damaged)
Head........Operational
All Ports available...
Checking Network Connections
Male........Firmware updated
Female....Firmware obsolete, User is advised to update F.Firmware in order to continue communication with said server
Checking Installed Software
Chemistry
Biology
English
Math
Chinese
Economics

...Loading OS

Welcome

(Blank screen)

Warning...Insufficient Memory Space, The Following Files Have Been Delete to Install OS:
'You.exe'

...Restarting OS

Welcome

Warning...Data Corruption, unable to load 'You.exe'. Shutdown in 10 seconds.

(blank screen)

Valentine's Day

2008-02-11T21:02:00.000+08:00

i'll probably never get a chance to blog this on the day itself, so i thought i might as well blog it now since i'm stuck doing ee.

its an open fact: i dislike valentine's day. the reason i believe shouldn't be hard to guess either. and for as hardworking as i am, with all the resources i've read, i have no clue what love is. when a guy does not understand love, he will not be able to understand valentine's day.on that day, i look around and everyone is so busy with their better half, sometimes it makes me feel lonely and left out. and i know that a lot of people in school are attached, most of the people i know are attached, so i know i'm gonna be pretty much talking to myself again(like i do every year).maybe thats why i do what i do to fill up gaps in my life, maybe that why i tell lame jokes all day during fencing, maybe that why i don't like going to the sac even more this two years, maybe i'm just jealous...

i tried to run away from this feeling of depravity; i tried to start something new for the day, something i could look forward to, something maybe so that i won't have to be lonely. but even in the end it was a flop (or more rather it was a stillborn).

maybe i have issues, living in my own fantasy world, trying hard to live up to a dream that can never come true. maybe i just am being to harsh to myself;maybe i'm just being truthful and preventing further hurt to myself. maybe because i always want to know everything, by nature i'll fail in this area. maybe because i try too hard to succeed, i am bound to fail.

how do you justify an action done by yourself which in the end only punishes yourself? how do you justify selflessness till it reaches no end?how do you justify the opportunity cost i constantly give up? who stands to gain after all i have done? what do i miss after all has settled? why is there sadness in me? i should be happy. it is always this season, when everything bites into me, it's a hindrance. how do you hide pain? you smile.

i have to get this out, because i have no other place to leave it. emotional baggage will only drag me down, anyone who knows me well enough for me to openly discuss this have too much to carry already. here i can just drop and run, i don't even know how many people actually check on this blog regularly enough to see each post, i don't even know if i have more than 4 people reading this blog.

i don't want to carry this trouble with me, it spoils my mood, it spoils my day. i can't stop people from public display of affection,from annoying display of annoyance...so just let me have a troubled hidden cry here, where i can safely shed a few tears for myself, and then learn to stand out of self-pity.

and for those reading this, have a happy valentine's day.

p.s i've learned how to be happy in pple's joy, so just go and be happy.

thinking lonely thoughts

2008-02-08T23:08:00.000+08:00

it is when i'm alone that i realise a few major points

one, i can't hate anyone. i can't tell if its a subconscious thing, or because i'm really forgetful, but i can barely hold a grudge against someone. maybe because there is always some goodness in everyone. maybe i just can't remember properly

two, i hate myself. its really funny that ,in ways i can't describe, i can't hate someone else, but then immediately say 'i hate myself' and probably go rambling why and how. due to the MANY (capital for emphasis) personality makeovers i had, not to mention subconscious absorption of characteristics, i have almost loss all sense of who i am/was. not that i don't remember who i was, but i don't remember how i behaved. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies and quirks, but i completely can't remember mine (which brings up irony 2, because i can remember your quirks, if i hang out with you long enough). and over time, through what i shall call "the reformation of the person", i have reemerged a slightly better human, though with one minor problems: i can hear the voices of these 'old/submerged' personalities. so if i talk to myself, its not that i talk to myself, because to me it feels like a conference with 2 other people. this really becomes prevalent when it is not questions about sch work, but personal questions. The one voice that is really annoying is the most peer-influence, mtv-ized personality (it also happens to be the most violent and aggressive). he/me prompts me to do things, outrageous and risky. he/me tries to fulfill ridiculous world-enforced ideals (about bgr, about life) which often clash with what i believe(though when it comes to faith, he/me just sticks with the 'confuse-daniel' mode). maybe he's just a inner-manifestation of what my darker desire/emotions, but i hate him/me

Refusing to fall

2008-01-27T01:50:00.000+08:00

i can't help but feel something missing....especially when around couples. i mean i should be completely normal, i've seen many couples, but it disturbs me sometimes. maybe i'm jealousy, who knows. maybe the thought has consumed my soul, nibbled a hole.

and so i fill it.

i cannot help but feel that i'm denying myself everything, in a bid to maintain who i am/was.
i cannot help but feel stupid, that i try so hard to achieve so little
i cannot help but feel put down when i work so hard, and only to achieve so little compared to others
i cannot help but feel sad that on the 14 of Feb, i will again spend it contemplating what i'm doing, why i'm 'alone', why i should be bothered.
i cannot help but feel dumb that i should be bothered by such trivial things
i cannot help but feel anti-social whenever i stand alone and distanced away from others
i cannot help but feel helpless for every problem that others face
i cannot help but feel scared and cower before my own problems
i cannot help but feel weak when others lay their strengths before me
i cannot help but feel alone in my problems

and that is why i ask for strength
strength to move on
strength to ignore my flaws
strength to battle my fears
strength to silence the darker side of me
strength to struggle to bring out the gentleman
strength to find my future in the palm of my hands

and so i refuse to lie down and roll over
instead i will strive on and settle my qualms
so that i can find peace with self, others and God
to end all that oppresses me
to end all that opposes me
to end all that tries to silence me
to end all that inhibits me
to end all that denies me my future

as a weak man, i can achieve nothing, but i pray, for i know the one i pray to has power over all.
and so i pray
amen

life goes on

2008-01-18T19:54:00.000+08:00

well...its been a pretty rush week again...training, disappointment, happy times, crazy times. makes me wonder who i am, but after 2 secs i forget the question. i find it funny, cos of the pple who know and visit this place...i'm the only single person, and i'm the writer, just a fun fact.

Fun fact two: i got two empty- no line- notebooks for christmas. THANKS GUYS AND GALS. now i got spares.

got not much time to discuss about anything else now (though i really want comments on this character i'm developing), but i have to do hw. so sayonara.

first week

2008-01-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

its been a crazy first week of school. That is mainly due to the rush of events, starting school on a Wednesday is not really advised. Wed was a rather boring day, lots of admin work and moving around. I just realized again that i'm a total klutz and idiot. Thursday was just random, spent practically the whole day out of class. had to revise old stuff and then catch back up again, not to mention i had to rush to get math hw since there weren't any extras left behind.Again i felt like a total idiot, whole school population left the building and i'm still there packing my bags. the couple from next door got a scare when i walked right into their class backdoor, couldn't even find my own class.Friday (today) was the another rush. got more hw for the weekend, and then rush to settle fencing publicity. that was probably the best thing of the whole, since some pple actually were interested and joined. and we saw a old face there, Han Yang apparently was among the crowd.

i guess i feel rather bad. with all this rush, i barely had time to talk to old friends. that would be song and kevin and christina and chai yi and dinesh and yuan hao and anyone i forgot to talk to.

worst of all, is that now i'm freaking out myself. i feel practically two pple when i'm fencing. i'm some hyper-active crazy boy when i'm fencing, yet the moment i enter class i'm back to quiet and slightly cynical. i think i'm just spazzing my brain out.

we covered some really disturbing topics in class today for biology. to cut the story short, i don't think you will see any of us jump into a river in the amazon any time soon.

Emotions. Something that define humanity. that and a conscience differentiate us from just a walking lump of bone and flesh. yet it births the hardest the understand concepts that the world has ever seen: Love, Happiness...why is it so hard to understand? its a complex thing, in comparison humans look like a single cell organism.I mean, come on. After all these years of deriving quantum physics, and the best the world can come up on the subject "Love" is that there is a chemical reaction. i think any person around can see the 'chemistry' in the subject already. Let's just face it, this is one area where reason and logic fail to come to any conclusion. This is where the black and white line form a blurry gray intersection.

i don't understand. my mind is as incoherent as this blog post. i can't think, not when i'm alone, not when i think. "I think, therefore I am"...i know i know, but i think it's more like "I think, therefore i have problems with who I am".

Salutations

2007-12-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

who i am was made by who i was

2007-12-13T12:28:00.000+08:00

i don't know...maybe i should stop, cos the more i read other pple's blogs, i find that my life seems very empty and boring. must be a subconscious thing to compare myself to others. but no matter how it seems, i'm doing things i'll never do before. i'm thinking.

i'm drawing, and becos i'm socially in adept, i guess i try too hard to overcompensate. still, i have good friends, so i'm happy. i don't try too hard to be some super cool dude, or pose off as the hot shot. i'm me, which in anime terms means the guy who doesn't have a name. but i'm good.

guess i want to pour out my feelings into stories i really wanna try to draw. i mean, i wanna put my created characters in a position i felt, to be as humane as possible.

a boy cursed with an unfortunate past, trying to forge a future saving others, uncertain of his own fate
another jealous of his friend who is consistently better despite not knowing his suffering

just a thought for hopefully more human characters

laughing at self

2007-12-13T11:24:00.000+08:00

i just found something while doing my tok essay, a self-quote i made in sec4

"Answers can never be found without questions."

kind of ironic now that i have plenty of questions...

b2b

2007-12-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

back to basic: Timor Leste style

the place i stayed at had no electricity for almost the entire duration of the stay (thats 6 days out of 7 of just candle light)

i got whole body of mozzie bites (1st day was legs, 2nd was arms, 3rd was elbows, 4th was neck, 5th was ear, 6th was a revisit to existing spots)

i got TANNED (cool, now i'm not so pale)

i got lack of slp (last night there, i slept total of 2 hours, from 9.30pm to 11.30pm, and reached back home singapore at 2am)

so ya...

now i'm left with tons of problems i try to leave behind or trash.

one at a time...

the question

2007-11-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

its been bugging me the whole week...can i answer the questions i (that is the voices) ask myself?
can i be happy with what i wanna be, even when i know this is who i am and will be?
can i be happy knowing i can never learn enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for my parents, for my friends, for anyone?
can i be happy knowing i'm watching from the sidelines of events to take place, events that will shatter what little of life i know?
can i be happy never understanding people, understanding relationships, understanding everything out of my reach?
can i be happy knowing who i am, with all my personality weirdness?
can i be happy knowing....that i'm a screwed up little brat, with no life, who potentially has problems immersing into society, who potentially has psychological problems?
can i be happy knowing i have no idea how to answer all these questions and to solve the mess that is me?

after reading this, you're probably thinking "WTF with all this emo-ing!three post in three days and all cryptic and full of crap! you are sofa king crazy dude!" here is my case: half my world hates me for who i am/was, i have few friends (though close). by personality, i store up all my anger, hate, jealousy, and hide under this happy face you see; guess where this goes, everywhere. i promised myself after sec1 and again in sec4, never will i release it on someone else (and though i slip, i try hard). so even though my parents will scold me for being up late and having a blog, i need this place to get rid of things i don't want others to receive. i need to be seriously emo here, so i can be a pierrot outside (if you don't understand, go check wikipedia for pierrot). i guess the way i conduct myself in fencing is what i am: laughing and joking, and cracking bad puns and one-liners, but under that mask, its where i hide me.

but after all this, every cloud has a silver lining, i answered one question:

...

i can be happy knowing i at least tried to answer the questions that constitute my life, and knowing i can never answer them.

ultimate irony

2007-11-19T22:05:00.000+08:00

i just realized: i am the ultimate irony.

no seriously, look at my life. i find it so hard to define who i am, but everyday i try to hide myself behind a mask i claim is me. i want solitude, yet when i'm alone i cry for being alone. i spend time trying to be like others, and yet all i wanted was to set myself apart.

i think i really should just sleep.....

feeling weird

2007-11-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

well....its that time of year again...when i don't have sch and actually spend time thinking about my life....and thats when it really hits me really hard

i explained before, i don't think laterally like a normal person. I don't have a inner voice, i have inner voiceS. not one, but many. each voice takes the role of each part of me; my worries, my locked up feelings and passions, my rather childish subnormal self. so for the few weeks that i officially don't have sch, these voices have gone overtime. there isn't much time in the day where they stay silent. they're practically screaming at me to do things, to react, to be proactive, to do something. how long do you think you can shun them? these voices are me, no matter how weird they are, they are really me, what i am, a part of me. so what should i do?

and becos of these voices, i become really worried about things that i shouldn't worry about. they keep reacting to situations, blaring when i'm alone. i need to remove distractions when working, yet the biggest distraction is myself. it's an another paradox. so you wonder, what a person am i?

fragmented, split, multipersonality
sad, happy, torn
lazy, pretense, invisible

i think in the quiet of everything, i'm the ultimate source of humour to myself. i'm right in front of people, yet it's as if i don't exist. i hide my selves in masks of unrealism so as to never actually find out who i really am. i punish myself, sometimes just to make others feel happy...is that right? when you put others before yourself, who will look out for you?

i need to talk to someone...just to get rid of all this stuff in my head...yet i'm scared and worried...seriously drives me a little crazy.

Limit breaker

2007-11-09T00:34:00.000+08:00

well...long time since i posted...and since only 7 pple actually have this blog address, i guess the audience is few anyway. (never wanted many to know this place anywayway)

well...burning midnight oil...doing work late....watching cartoons all day (as usual)

maybe i just wanted to escape the reality i live in....all the stresses in life....wrong answer

big stress is ee, i'm not sure that my project is headed the right way...and i'm not too great at it either...completely outclassed

second is the recent uproar at church....big mega problem...

third....well i'm just burnt...

and now i better sleep...better luck drawing stuff AFTER re-exam for english (how do you score???so hard)

origin

2007-10-21T20:24:00.000+08:00

come on. admit it. you also wonder about your origin. why you were born, why it was when,what happens if you weren't born.

i had dinner with my parents and just asked them a few questions about myself. honestly, a lot of times i ponder on many of the important questions around origin. what if i were my brother and he was me? what if i wasn't born? what if i was born earlier?

i'll never be in youth now, i'll live through another age of youth.
my parents wouldn't work so hard now.
i can't answer the third question.

you might find it funny, but these questions really cause me to think. i spend almost 6 of 7 days worrying about others, so i guess i don't really realize anything about myself. and i always compare now to my brother's time, cos honestly, i wanted to be like him.

don't you always wonder all the "what if"s in your life over you birth...already just for my primary school life i have uncountable number of "what if"s...for all i know i could already be attached in a alternate reality (which does scare me now thinking about it)

i've lost all understanding of self at most points of my life....if i reflect about my life, my primary self was arrogant, proud and naive; my secondary life is riddled with change; and now, i still have almost no idea who i am (apart that i still are naive). so lets just let this lie here. i'll spend my life worrying about someone else, apparently this works so much better for me.

points

2007-10-20T19:56:00.000+08:00

wooohooo...i got 34 points...thats a 10 point improvement from mid-years...BWAHAHAHAHA..

brief subject run-through:

econs- 6 points (from 2)
chem -6
math- 6
bio-5
english -4
chinese- 7

(and tok is 6, but it's not included)(even at 80 for tok and you still get a 6....wt, darn hard lah...i didn't even get 80)

so now i'm going to enjoy my hols...being alone....somehow it doesn't mix...being happy and alone

the ending

2007-10-13T21:37:00.000+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVER....and just cos i like the phrase, i'll say it again...THE EXAMS ARE OVER....cos now the results are going to come....(cue scream)

and on to that stress...i'm going to sign up for the sch's manga competition....i'm slightly crazy due to too much ultimate spiderman reading...but i like the remake of the classic clone saga (except i like the way ben reilly died...in sand)...so my story (WHICH WAS SUPPOSE TO HAVE MORE TIME TO LET ME INCLUDE A MORE PHILOSOPHICAL SIDE TO IT) is now forced to focus more on the scientific side of it.......which is the cloning.

and i know i can say this here cos the pple reading this are either a)not going to compete, b)already have an idea...(more As and less Bs, but you get the idea)

at this point, since i'm writing on the com, i'll just discuss my story. (remember, i still have to draw the storyboard for at least the FIRST encounter with a clone....)

so, in order to fulfill my intended idea of the story, i'll give the main character an added streak that he shares with his friend....both are pretty good at applied science.(it also helps that they are ideally 18 yrs old, and take physics and chem and bio)and this fact adds to his profile (which is quite not so good) and the reason why he actually kind of understands some of this...with additional help from the class's bio genius (i don't have a name, but the person is a she...just for gender equality). the main character doesn't have a detailed background. the main detail is that he's an orphan, he's adopted.

so one day, the teacher talks about genetics-cloning.. our main protagonist (he isn't really a hero, all he wants to is define himself himself) obviously isn't really paying much attention...and then a teacher enters and introduces a new student. this new guy looks (of course) exactly like the main guy. he explains he's the long lost twin brother...but main and his friend doesn't buy it.

so the main character is rather freaked out by the appearance of his clone, and discuss this with his friend over the construction of his project during a break/after school (i haven't decided which of my own ideas i wanna put here). (here is the philo part)his friend discusses the implications of him having a clone (souls and metaphysics also included) and the ultimate possibility of having multiple clones. the genius also understood the implications and approaches him to discuss. they talk a little, and then finally after setting off main's experiment, main agrees to talk to his 'long lost twin bro'.

here's where the science get extreme. 'twin bro' reveals to main and co that clones are infitted with a device that kills them if stress overloads and adrenalin excess a certain limit, a mini-device goes off completely killing them,and then a special fission reaction occurs in the body, reducing it to sand. and of course, he reveals that he doesn't believe that he is the clone but main is. so they battle it out ( i haven't figured this out) ...and at the end, with a little more push from main's friends, 'twin' dies out suddenly and then (as explained in the earlier part
) he reduces to sand. as friends go off happy, a 'sinister' person looks from a far and says 'and the experiment continues...' or something like that.

i intend to at the end of the story, improve the connection between the three main characters....as well as go in depth on main's character and why he's so intent on 'killing' off the clones. of course, it won't be my piece of work without some philosophical views covered...(courtesy of his friend) and a proper science lecture every know and then (courtesy of the genius...though less often)....and of course...the ultimate goal is: to get rid of all those crazy ideas in my head....

no i'm kidding, i really wanted to do this cos the character strikes as closely human, he isn't really spiritual or something, he's just worried about his identity. he doesn't want glory, to save humanity, he just wants to save himself...

so thats that...

the dream

2007-09-07T20:55:00.000+08:00

i had a dream...[and honestly, in retrospect, i think it was more of a nightmare-cum-wakeup call]

i dreamed that the sch hols were over, that we were back in sch again. in the dream, i had forgotten to do any holiday hw, went back to sch. First period, i got sent out of class for 1)not finishing english hw, 2)shouting back at the teacher....Next period, i got zero (0.00) for math coursework cos i didn't finish math portfolio...the rest of the day was havok, got scolded for every small matter, records of my previous finished assignments were blank, everything was gone.

honestly i was so scared....in the dream, i got so tired of everything that i just sat outside class and cried....was so freaked out, i didn't know what to do...the rest of the details are kind of hazy....but one of the reasons why i finally realized that what i was going through wasn't reality was that at one time while i was outside, i was talking to myself...as in i was standing in front of me and talking to me...and he(me) was different....in simpler terms, he was a punk, really from attitude to and dressing (or the most you can get from just sch u), and he was mocking me as i just sat there, pple were just walking by between us, but i could hear him clearly.

i woke up....i was really tired, but i didn't want to sleep...was too scared to see the scene again, its like seeing everything evil and nasty in you personified to make your life a living hell, not only was it creepy on so many levels, it was really scary, cos i hated that side of me.

i guess it reflects well in this sketch i'm trying out
"the boy with angel and demon wings"

getting on

2007-08-30T20:06:00.001+08:00

somehow, i feel like i passed a period of depression, and more or less back to my old self....almost

thanks to the friends who comforted me during another dark time.

there are times where even one feels like an angel and a demon both at once. a nice guy, and yet inside a raging potential to be evil. the struggle sometimes is hard....but the choice is obvious. no one wants to be a bad guy.

going bonkers

2007-08-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

honestly....i'm not pretty sure how i lasted so long...but so far i'm still sane

i've just screwed up my chem test...all my graphs are wrong...thats 10 marks out of the whole thing....i'm in depression and denial...i'm denying that i'm depressed.....

worse of all, this completely effects my emotions and mood swings....so now i'm a potential crazy bomb if someone ticks me off.......i'm not strong enough to really hurt someone...but you wouldn't want a semi-crazed guy on your back either....so ya

i've finish the ichigo mask design...but haven't got the time to post it on deviant art....so i'm holding on to it for a little while longer.....

i don't know...i think after so long, i just wanna sit in a corner a cry for a while...re-live what little i remember....cos up to now, i'm still in a sort of identity crisis...

i mean, everyone has their roles in their world....sportsman, break dancers, high scoring students, musicians; each with their own social circles....each with their unique area of expertise....but everywhere i go....i don't fit in...i don't know....as much as i hate the idea of it, but there is a part that is afraid of being looked down at.

"nerd""loser""loner""anti-social".....pple who look at me drawing and just telling me crap about it(i mean, it's bloody obvious that i'm not drawing original stuff...i have the BLOODY PICTURE IN FRONT OF ME....).....i seriously wonder what pple think, everytime someone looks at me.....i don't really know...a part of me just keeps creating speculations on what they're thinking...and it ain't pretty....every time i carry my fencing stuff....i'm so sure someone talks behind my back......coverd in the shadow of others almost everytime....

i think i'll go cry now.....

(Titus: crap, he's in his mood swings again)
[Leon: well, can't you do anything about it?]
(T: i can't make him snap out of it, why not you try slapping him a few times)
[L: won't work on him, would just make it worse...]
(T:so peachy.....great.....we'll just wait till he goes back to sch again...he'll have to get over it by then....he only really thinks when he's home anyway)
[L:...tch, fine]

the week

2007-08-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

well...somehow i made it through the week....slept 11hrs to recover...

honestly i'm quite peeved...my results completely contradicts nats...but everyone wants hers....and i ended up the only one who actually stayed up till 4am to watch the test tubes.....

i was half asleep in classes for the rest of the week, and almost completely asleep in math class....

and then my classmates think i like/am hitting on a girl in class...waa..cut me some slack...i'm like anti-social, but i really don't like the way you all drag conflicts to such an extent....it is rather dangerous...and if you get caught by teachers, it'll be even worse....

got whooped for fencing on tuesday.....then today got more fencing...waaaaa...warm up burn out....then fought ryan and lost 2-8...then fought michelle (from fencing club) and won (i forgot score). then found out after the match that she wasn't wearing her chest protector....damn pai sei....i actually hit her in the chest a couple of times....had parry-repose drills, with michelle as partner (this time WITH chest protector), so just whack...was kind of funny. you can hear the parry of the blade and a loud 'thud' as my foil stabs her chest protector. the other fencers actually heard it. later tried saber for kicks, went against ryan and actually pegged a few slashes (the best one was when he flunged, i parry high, and then held my blade out and ryan dropped from the sky onto it....MY POINT, haha, super lucky) then had another match with ryan...can be considered a no-holds-bar bout...after all the tricks and stuff came out...i barely won 8-7 (was lucky, after the 2nd hit, i found that ryan has a tendency to attack from my lower right...so 2 parry-reposes 2 points, one quick lunge 1 point) (he caught me off guard several times with flecte, no idea how to counter that and was so sudden)(last hit was really lucky, i lunged and went low, he just missed.....)

had band meeting....then home....

check out http://titusleon.deviantart.com i posted up some more of my latest sketches...best was the ichigo pose...still working so give me time....then i got my own self-portrait....the one that looks like a HIGHLY EVOLVED MONKEY (i keep saying this, but i don't believe in the evolution theory)

really smart

2007-08-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

this post is almost all complains of a sleep-deprived, hungry, thirsty 17-year old....if you came here looking for Daniel, pls refer to the posts below....right now, i am truely Titus Leon at the worst condition (not the kid i am)

i can't believe what i did today....i barely passed my chem test 15/30....i had my hair cut really short...i haven't finished my math hw....i got chinese oral in 3 days...I PRACTICALLY TOLD MY BIO TEACHER TO LET ME TAKE THE BIO PRACTICAL HOME TO OBSERVE OVER 24HR (2H PER OBSERVATION).......i must be insane.....honestly, i don't feel well....i got fencing tomorrow...i'll zombie through the day....i am positively sure that if they ran a survey on who did not sleep the entire night...i'll be the only one.......i had glass wool all over my pants...a bird pooped on my sch uniform....my legs are tired....my brain is dead....my eyes want revenge.....my eyelids are heavy....my body feels like lead....

honestly..i feel really dumb....originally almost no one in class brought test tubes to do the experiment...so loaned test tubes must be kept in the lab...and hence only observed during the sch day and next day morning....NOOOOO, HAD TO ASK TO KEEP THE TEST TUBES, HAD TO GET EXTRA HW, HAD TO BE SO ENTHU....

my few accomplishments....I COMPLETED MY MATH VECTORS WORKSHEET...ALL THE QUESTIONS....ALMOST ALL BY MYSELF (ok i had help for one question from makmur...thats all)

re:personality test

2007-08-11T20:25:00.000+08:00

i'm a dreamer...my bro's an artist....haha

the long weekend of the national day celebration...spent sleeping at home

i started getting bored...so i started a sketch of myself...seems rather ego, but i got bored of drawing from another drawing...so maybe do one or two pics from pictures (i think from my classblog and stuff) then go back...

i have like 3 or 4 uncompleted drawings...but i don't feel like i should go back to them yet...

meanwhile, i've stopped my music therapy of japanese songs...and changed to Budak Pantai....quite funny....

i drew this for fun....its not calligraphy, it was meant to LOOK like it, but i think i changed the style too much...anyway, it did it during lecture, apparently the best time to do random sketches....proper drawings during breaks...

thinking back, i think a lot of things have changed...too much....way too much....

personality test

2007-08-11T20:24:00.000+08:00

You are a Considerate Dreamer.

about you

You are a Dreamer

Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.

You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.

Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.

Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation.

Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.

Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.

You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.

A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

If you want to be different:

Your imagination is a wonderful asset, but don't just dream—be bold enough to take action and explore new things!

Consider a wider range of details and possibilities when thinking about the present and the future—don't be too set in your ways.

how you relate to others

You are Considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.

If you want to be different:

Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

tired again

2007-08-03T23:02:00.000+08:00

com was running out of space again...so i had to reorganize my files...as well as clear out some of my 1.4gb collection of PICTURES...WAHHAHAHAHAHAH...i'm so happy, i hit my target of at least 1gb of pics...and i did it

been really tired staying late back to back, night after night....honestly i have no idea how other pple do it, but my body wants to kill itself already...my mind is rather dreamy,so the world appears in a surreal state...i've been working on some drawings, not much though...the best of the three is the ichigo pose...the one he does during his fight with grimmjaw...when his masks has a crack and he repairs it...i made a fairly good copy-art...but no mask details...also, cos the lower half of the page had another drawing on it, i can't sketch out the entire pic...so i'm reprinting it and then finishing off...of course i'm going to digitally edit off the writing pad lines.

looks pretty nice...then hand looks a bit weird ...i'm most happy with the head and shoulders...usually that's where i screw up proportions...right now, it looks fairly correct. the hair looks ok...though the amt of hair at the back appears to be a bit more than the rest of the head. the opening in the shirt is suppose to be lower...but cos of the other drawing, i raised it...(right below it, where this sketch ends, is actually the beginning of the next sketch)

Events in class:
some guy was trying to hit on one of my classmates which started a massive movement in class to provide her advice on how to get away from that guy....was pretty interesting conversation, at the same time, the events they describe actually scare me a bit.(for most of the conversation, i got chased away,because 1) i know nothing about the guy,2) they find for some reason to ask me not to hear, i didn't really catch the reason...so i don't really know much, only that which they said very loudly...)

my brain is on overdrive, so i don't really register anything other than lessons....most other stuff just bounce off me...

i also just realized that i have a really weird habit...it might be due to the broken arm in sling incident way back during pri6..when i walk, usually pple swing both arm....i keep one arm straight and still...(the way i run is not really effected by this, anyway i run at full speed headfirst, and i like sliding as well as drifting in-and-out of crowds)...when not doing much, i like to keep my left hand in my pocket or occupied holding something...i guess either i'm just getting a new habit or it might be because i miss the sling.

so thats all i've done this week...i need to recover for sunday's competition...don't wanna let the team down...

the intruder

2007-07-24T20:08:00.000+08:00

i present the intruder in my room

INTRUDER

2007-07-21T20:17:00.000+08:00

WARNING WARNING THERE IS AN INTRUDER IN THE ROOM...."what? its just a kid...a 6 year old kid, what danger is there?" "OUCH! SHE KICKED ME...WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" "HEY I AN'T A KICKING/PUCHING BAG YA KNOW!" "HEY! I DIDN'T SAY I'LL PIGGYBACK YOU...GET OFF... OUCH YA STRAGGLING ME, GEBT OBFF!" "HEY THAT MY BED...IT AN'T A PLAYGROUND YA KNOW, DON'T JUMP ON IT...ESPECIALLY NOT ON THE PILLOWS" "HEY I JUST SAID NOT TO JUMP ON THE PILLOWS.....WHATEVER" "HEY DON'T GET MY NECK...OW...OUCH....DON'T STRAGGLE ME AGAIN...UNCLE HELP ME!!!"

if this was a chaotic world...this might be the real thing that i'll be saying this....but then again i don't have a intruder alarm in my room anyway...

incase you're wondering, this is a way over the head exaggeration of what happens when my 6 yr old cousin comes to my house. she used to stay here everyday. but ever since her grandparents moved in with her, she doesn't stay here during the day. she misses this place a bit...and she misses my bed cos its very bouncy....not to mention i have several pillows and a bolster so she never gets hurt when she jumps...also since this room was where she used to stay when she was like 1 yr old....so i guess she does have many fond memories here....

in case you're wondering, yes, she does kick me...usually i don't counter....i have a soft spot for young kindergarten kids...so i only lash out at older kids..haha....so technically i get bullied by a kid...haha irony in big bites

28 points

2007-07-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

well...i got one of the lowest scores in class...kind of makes me feel really stupid..and since out of almost all my friend i'm the lowest...and the only guy to fail econs in my class....i feel like i disappointed a lot of pple....waaaa

there only thing i can do now i study damn freaking hard...it sort of takes the pain away....that and replace more free time with drawing

well, its a guy sitting on a chair...except i didn't draw in his legs and stuff.....one day i'll print this pic out and put in the legs....or do it to the original pic straight. this character actually came from one of my failed attempt of creating a storyline that merges teen sch life and gunslingers....anyway, i thought it was cool to put a teen with a pistol in his hand and let him sit on a chair in a slacking pose

the idea of this came from repeated comments from my classmate and from my class's name "judges"...i wanted to draw a judges chair, and for each of my classmates, they will each get a unique person sitting on the chair. i was in the conceptualising stage when i forgot what i was doing...recently found my sketchs so back to that....so first to finish is the female student, second is the sword bearing guy (i've begun "inking" it), or actually reverse since the female student will take longer...then back to this "judges" idea...i hope jake is up for a trip to queensway to get them printed if i can get them out.

weee...irony bites hard

2007-07-06T19:53:00.000+08:00

well...i've probably wanted to say this since the exams ended...

for the past 4 years....my best subject was either chem or math.....and my worst subject was chinese

for this year...my best subject is probably CHINESE...and my worst is either english,bio, or econs...(i have some faith in my math, and my chem is still quite ok i think..hope...pray)

been working real hard...at trying not to slack....well, i am trying to catch up with hw...but it's kind of still building...(slowly but quite obviously)...

on the bright side...i finished something....

wee...it's suppose to be a female student...obviously i haven't completed it yet....and i already inked the body...(so for those pple who have told me, i'm telling you again...I'M NOT GOING TO INCREASE THE BUST SIZE)(at least not in this drawing)....the head was not inked in yet...and i actually made a exact copy of it with roughly the same proportion and size as in this pic...and inked that one...which i will use for facial features practice.

this is a separate inked out head and hair...the collar is a give-away that it isn't from the original drawing...i'm practising facial features on this one...and when i get enough time...i'll compile all three pictures to form one complete one....also..if you noticed the first drawing has a ponytail...this second one doesn't have...mainly cos i didn't want to ink wrongly and that i wasn't drawing out the body for this one...

kk...gtg do tok..haven't finished my draft...and somehow my brain closed shop last year

1st day after exams

2007-07-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

back to school again...exams don't really count cos its not REALLY a full school day...anyway, celebrated the end of exams by going home and well...sleep...

happy belated bday Xiao Xiang...(though i don't anyone will actually know i said this)

been drawing a bit...improved a few sketches i'm working on....looks more like a female student now....haven't scanned in...got to work hard

come up with a few minor details in my stories....still working out the errors or loopholes...

haven't really been doing any hw so now i'm way behind time

i discovered that all that reflection during the hols hurt my head a lot...came back to sch very anti-socially....anyway the classroom was too cold

so ya...gtg catch up to my hw...

ps...i'm so happy...i passed my first english language test since the year started....WEEEEEEEEE....15/25...a start....WEEEEEEEE

ppss...for readers...THIS POST IS A CONTRAST TO THE PREVIOUS ONE....notice the length difference the writer has deliberately made....this is to show the difference in times as the earlier one was written during the hols when time is a free resource and demand was low...however, now in school time, time is a scarce resource and the supply is low...demand however is high..hence the high price of time...time is but an extract of the limitation of dimension that we as 3-dimensional beings are hindered by...time is linear to us...but to a another being time is but already unfolded, and he is both at the beginning and at the end of time.....time flows not like the rushing river...but like an ocean in a storm....our actions are important now and in the past and in the future

pppsss...in case no one got it...the double-p-double-s is actually a lit commentary with econs D&S, with some science and philosophy before ending in religiousness and game-ish (Prince of Persia)...

once and a long time...

2007-06-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

haha..so sorry i haven't blogged about anything for such a long time...got kind of busy this holidays...you can't really consider it hols when it's so jammed pack!!!

first week...trip to Thailand....well, not much to say...i've been to East Timor...after that trip, everything else is a piece of cake....working out some almost non-existant muscles however was not that easy. Had much fun, bought two shirts (with cute cartoon versions of ultraman), two lamps...the lamps are nice...had fun redoing the plug to suit Singapore's three pin system (Thailand uses 220V and a two flat pin system, S'pore uses 230V and a three pin system...so far no fuse burned out yet) i almost completely spent my bottle of mozzie repellent, lent most of it to my classmates actually, i actually got two free shirts from the trip but one was so dirty i couldn't use it anymore. i finished all my sweets before even half the trip...my aloe vera gel and various random medicinal oils and lozenges actually came into use...most of us walked out with tans (fortunately no burns....)(ps..the only pple who probably didn't change skin tone was Lakshman, our teacher Mr. Venthan, the canoe-ers Amos, Jimmy,Lucas)i manged to keep a brief record of the events each night...with the last few days rushed into one page (hey, shopping is low on my ever-wanna-do-list)didn't sleep on the last night in Thailand cos we had to wake up at 4.30~5.00am anyway (we stopped shopping at 12MN, played random games till time)(i on the otherhand was talking to a friend then slept for 10 mins...) i kind of didn't wanna stay in my room at that time cos my roommate and his girl were talking and stuff...so i left the room. Trip back to the motherland was rather smooth...was sleeping like a baby most of the journey...my ipod just ran out of batt when we got to Bangkok...(was listening it with my friend for the flight from Chiang Mai to BK)...so one eventful experience less to await for!

barely out of OEP-mode...was pushed right into competition week...NATIONAL CADET FENCING...for individuals, made it to the first round...then kena eliminated (i am very bad at parry-repose...and my lunges almost always fall short)...ryan also get knocked out in first round, joel made it as far as the second round before getting knocked out....koon han didn't make it to the first round sadly, scott was sick....team event: knocked out by the first team we fought...koon han didn't land a single point, i barely get four, ryan got the rest (we originally had 9-42 on the last bout, ryan picked it up to 15+ (i forgot the exact number)-43 before he ran out of time) that ends competition!

burned out and tired, STRAIGHT INTO AMAZING GRACE BATAM...weeee.....was super moody at times, kind of felt weird due to being quite short for my age....in retrospect...ALL THE BB BOYS WERE AT LEAST MY HEIGHT (except for one case....but he'll shoot up)..i think they all thought i was sec2....even joel (my church joel tay) thought i was sec3...I'M JC1...stupid cute boyish look/face....(did i tell you that at the beginning of the year one of my classmates thought i was a girl before he realized i was wearing ACS school uniform which at that time only guys wear) but i can't realy complain...my bro can still pass of as a 18~20 yrs old...must be the genes (points finger to dad)...i think we learned a lot from this camp...a lot...i just find it hard to recall at this time of the night....last night of camp spent like an hour playing the game "mafia (RPG/storytelling)" with the bb guys and some of our own youths, slept at about 3am while watching MTV (i have never watched it before) (the inhouse joke is that the one of the four other guys i bunk with likes watching MTV for the girls, another one talks crap, and i'm extremely moody and angsty...as to how far these claims are true i have no idea)

the camp was physically draining....coming back actually was good cos i managed to catch up on the news from East Timor from my dad (he left for Timor Leste before we left for Batam) obviously he brought back plenty of good news, which just leaves me hyped for the next trip i can catch...(which is either the October trip or December...anyone wanna join me?)

been playing the last few days, no work done...probably got tons to finish now....not to mention studying for exams when sch reopens....argggghhhh....on the bright side...this few time let me do plenty of free thinking (which actually obstructs my drawings cos i just 'stone' with a pencil staring blankly at the paper)...the camp had no presence of JC2 and lacked a significant strength of JC1s and the younger youths....i honestly wonder....the current batch may be good leaders i cannot doubt it, but i think their presence is losing effect...they group together, i don't see many members on saturday.....it becomes a elite group.....sometimes i wish if they told the youths like some of the activities they were planning maybe we wouldn't be so in the dark of things around us....and the younger ones are lost to magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards and PSP....i mean it...i was a gamer...but even i had rules and limits about my behaviour that protected me...(set by my parents thankfully) even just at my youth class level (the current JC1 batch)...we are so detached and broken....the girls almost don't exist (jodie still comes), the boys are reduced to ryan,ruijie,bryan and me....(tts is usually away and doesn't even appear, lezlie is not around, clement doesn't come, weiliang is at NAV, raph usually only turns up for sermons, sometimes only when he has worship practice)....i'm afraid that this group of friends just lose and disappear...and i honestly am afraid that they depend on someone else to be the anchor ( last time i honestly thought that tts would be our group's anchor, keeping everyone in,..but he puts studies first and disappears at exam periods....next was weiliang who is probably the most spiritually mature and strongest of the group...he still is my anchor in tough times, but the others don't really interact with him...) and finally i'm honestly afraid that someone expects me to be the one to bring each other back...i'm not sure if it's just me and my insecurities, but i feel like i'm the one who feels like pieces are missing in our group...and the need for us to get together...i'm very scared of losing my friends

i've thought of other things....how i can easily count all the girls i-know-who-i-can-freely-talk-to(my generation) with two hands...

1)jeanette lim
2)cheryl lim
3)diane lim
4)michelle
5)steph
6)christina
7) (possibly: the last Lim sister) Michelle lim (becos she understands when i talk fast, though i rarely talk to her, not to mention she is in USA now)
at thie point i don't think i can add anymore names...haha(of course the guys' list is a lot longer, but it's still short enough to recall by memory)

i've discovered several things about myself over the course of the hols:

how i miss (of all things) my fencing mask when i was in Batam
how i missed my foil when it broke (got a replacement blade later)
how i missed my dad when he was away
how pple think of me ( i quote " isolated, hostile, brainy,great appetite ( i eat ridiculous amount of food at dinner) " (at this point i was laughing))

i was thinking about how i wrote about each youth in my class....they each have great things to contribute:

lezlie is probably the street-smartest of the lot
tts is a established leader in the group
weiliang is the most grounded in faith
ruijie tends to try and prove his point is correct
clement is the quiet one
ryan is the more flamboyant one
gideon is the most flamboyant and most active, who somehow is always where the most activity is (currently down under)

anyone of them could have been the one to keep us together...turns out...most of them aren't even around....

at this point of time, i wish to establish one thing: i am a single male going through a period of hormonal rage....i feel very dejected at myself over the case of BGR.....the most predominant feelings in me is either jealously coupled with loneliness, and then stupidity at being bothered by it.i mean: come one, feeling jealousy that some guy now spends half his time worried about how to be nice to his girl...i mean it takes away brain capacity, punches a big whole in your wallet...it fills one of the two holes in your heart.....ARRRRGHHH....you can almost say that there is two daniels in my head...the emotionless one and the one who actually falls for this stuff....then you can imagine the fights they get into over this issue.(for added realism, imagine both of them in a anime/manga styled fight) i mean...it sort of pisses you off to see Public Display of Affection (PDA)...i mean i gets more and more irritating the more you see....but it reaches out to you and tell you that you missed something........what the hell am i typing/thinking....rubbish....i think you get my point: it bugs me...really...it's like the next most bugging thing to my horrible drawings. i honestly don't see the point of getting attached so early, it's like a living leech (except even the only human leech i know will never be that bad) if you ask me how i survive such conflicts in my head: creating a excuse helps me get through the days my brain goes emo. i get disturbed...i'm not as mature as some of my classmates, i'm not the geek-est of the lot, i'm the sport-est one either (i mean, up till now pple still don't believe i'm learning fencing),i'm not tall (for a JC1, i'm short)....i cannot see the end....everyday i wonder.....am i doing the right thing to wait?honestly i think the society we live overemphasizes this BGR stuff....i wouldn't mind condemning young guys/girls getting into BGR....if it wasn't bugging me..(but than again i'm not that young anymore)

to answer a simple question:how long have both personalities existed? the emotionless guy got created in sec2 by accident and got installed into my personality...the emo guy has always been there from the start.

and lately one of the things that bug me is the future of the youth ministry of my church....(in fact i've started feeling periodic fear since certain things started happening)....firstly, the older youths are more or less not around (by older i mean JC2&1, not those older than that), there is very few older youths...and our interaction with the younger youths are MINIMAL....secondly, the younger youths are starting to scare me....they are the 'generation' after me (if you trace each lvl, for the guys after my lvl they are more and more gamish/gamer-type).....now after 1st service in church, i go up for a short nap/break on the 4th floor rooms...i find leuven and co there either playing magic/duelmaster/pokemon cards or PSP....and they don't turn up for service....(i'm highly suspecting they skip the 2nd one....not proven yet).....this is the bunch of pple who use a room, and just leave without switching off lights or air-con....eating food in rooms....i am highly suspicious of them....i don't really trust them....leaving me to doubt most of their actions....the moment any of this behaviour goes out of hand, i'm probably going to be compelled to take rash action...and for their sake (and my own) i'm gonna pray that either my bro or weiliang is there (probably the only two pple apart from my parent who can reason with/stop me when it comes to my crazy ideas) third and most importantly, the future committee members....i want the youth to continue to strive, so they should pick younger pple and train them from young, but at this rate, the candidate size is REALLY small...and if they pick the wrong person...i hope they can rein him in...thats all...

i wanted to write something mushy here to my friends here...but all i can say is that you are to me like my extended family, close and somehow always there for me.

thats all my mind lets me say....anymore i'll probably feel an emotional shut down in my brain,nite

ps. in case you're wondering why this post is so long....think of it as three weeks of thoughts typed out over two nights.

ouch...under piles of hw

2007-05-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

sry i haven't posted in a long while...very busy with work...honestly...i'm working up late every night...it's a wonder i'm not sick yet

for any artwork completed, pls check deviant art...i just uploaded one more...its the hoodie...

i'm sure i'll find time for things this week...but i got lots of mini-projects coming up...listing them now

1) CAS camp
2) Fencing Shirt design (hopefully)
3) the sword stance drawing (REALLy hopeful)
4) at least the background designs for a m.flash production (i'm moving all over these days)
5) some decent sketches to post up

well...mostly drawing...but i still got hw to do...rushing plenty of stuff in ONE day...ouch

gtg back to work

noob in the house

2007-04-27T23:12:00.000+08:00

i haven't been able to do much over this week....but i do begin to realize a bit on how twisted my brain is in making me better....compared to my classmates, i'm probably one of the saddest among them...lets just record facts

i've stopped playing any popular games, so i'm officially not part of the gamers group
i seriously don't fit in with the smart guys since i'm not really smart
i'm not the sportsman....in fact i've still got hives though it doesn't appear much....so i can't fit in with the soccer guys, nor the bball guys
i don't fit in with girls well....period...

so where exactly do i fit in? i'm seriously an oddball in class most of the time, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes not really that sane,sometimes quiet, sometimes loud

up to now, i'm still not sure if my mind is creating personalities for me or am i really me?

i begin the vicious cycle again...but this time it doesn't seem to punctuate its point too harshly...i lose all problems if i'm helping someone...thats all that matters, for now.

meanwhile, on the saner side of life, i went and signed up with deviant art for an account.

http://titusleon.deviantart.com/

so now most of the better pieces of drawing (ie the hotaru one) will be posted there. however, i'll still post all my pics here, since some of them i'm still contemplating whether to post there.

more hw

2007-04-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

so tired....knock out tired....haven't really done much work...still working on chem pracs and EE proposal....

pics about almost half way done....the sleeves are there, just need detail for them...then there is the collar and his back...and of course his head....ahhhh problems

happy bday to me, and you,,and you,,,and you....

2007-04-15T18:16:00.000+08:00

as of this day of the post...i am one day from 17...and it's also auntie jo's bday...and the pope's bday....(the CURRENT pope...wow...)

my dad and i are like the odd ones in the family, we share our bday with really famous pple....he shares it with someone really infamous...and i share mine with someone on the other end of the pole....someone really famous (in a good way)...

as of tomorrow, i will be at the age i always wanted to be at...and will feel really sad that i actually have to age after that age....(sigh)...

haven't finished drawing anything yet...i'm working on one i started while preparing for my mock IOP (which i still haven't really submitted the draft)....it suppose to be a guy with a katana...but drawing the hands is giving me a head ache...and since i excel at drawing from a picture...this is one of the few times i am drawing without another model....so i'm using my hand and handphone to help me...(i take pic of hand in various poses and then draw it out...at least its better than without)

i show you what i've done so far

its getting a bit hard to draw the hilt...there will not be a tsuba...

this drawing is part of OP:A...cos the main character will get a katana in the story, but both swords he uses will not have a guard...(his other sword is a straight double-edged sword...he shatters it early in the story)

k, gtg, finish up my chem prac, ee proposal, and iop prep

taggie

2007-04-09T00:14:00.000+08:00

good news pple!...i found my tagboard!...bad news...I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO INCLUDE IT INTO THIS LAYOUT....maybe i should get a new one....but this one is rather ok...so sorry, no taggie boardie yet

haven't done any drawings yet, too busy with finishing leftover hw

coldstorage stocked up on poptarts again...so i bought 3 boxes...BWAHAHAHAHAHA

mum cooked chicken rice (to prove to me that she CAN cook chicken rice) and it tasted great...(so i now know how to get good food...hehehe)

since i've been sleeping late on the long weekend...i predict i'm definitely gonna sleep in more than one class...haha

so in case i don't see you all out there, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, Good Night (truman show)

surplies!

2007-03-26T23:06:00.000+08:00

week end was horrible?...i slept at 1am for two nights in a row and fell asleep in BOTH english classes and math class.....ouch....now i'm really quite burned out. after sch got a sudden call from darrel saying meet him at space frame....met him and mich and talked a bit..they were in ACSI cos they had to watch ACJC vs HC water polo...so decided to call me and talk...haha...so nice...honestly if they hadn't called, i'll probably nod off again..

k, talking about nodding off, i finished one drawing and the sketch for the other...but first before that, the return of the DIGITALLY REMASTERED HOTARU SKETCH!

if you look REALLY close, u can see white lines across the face, that was the black lines i erased, i found it really hard to fill back in the lines, so i try to erase as little of surrounding as possible

this one is quite obvious, the one i was working on since i got stuck in sch on sats for fencing, i never intended to complete the left side of the building, so i left it as it is....i finished some colour version and one super dark night version. i intend to use this drawing in my stories, as the center of the fictitious school.

this one i call the "king of comedy"...the original drawing was from a poster in sch (the last of its kind) i intend to make it part of one of the story as a mask...(i didn't tell you that in OP: angelus, the characters attend a sch prom?hinthint)

this is all i have completed up to now...i should go and sleep now before i fall sick like my teacher...hahaha...ouch..

also, check it out, vinnie has update a new flash video about characters in CCC City, check out newgrounds for it

caught myself back from square one

2007-03-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

i just realised from my last post that i nearly went back to my self-pitying self-loathing old self again....so sorry..i'm changing, hating who i was, becoming a better person (hopefully)

the only drawing i finished up to now...new one, Hotaru from Samurai Deeper Kyo..minus accessories

...well, if you ignore the lines that run across and the popular bookstore logo at the bottom...i would say this has to be one of the best drawings i have ever churned out, even if i had to look at the original....one step closer to independence and free sketching....and then my OPERATION SERIES

i decided to call the story series OPERATION (or OP for short)....i wanted to base it on the students from the same school(i intent to end the whole series with each of them joining in some mega big battle)(pls note that the stories are not in the correct chronological order...), and each story was suppose to focus on one or more students and a main theme (none of them focused completely on romance).

OP: Angelus
is the story about the 6 teens who "merged" with angels, throwing them into the war btw angels and demon...with humans in the middle....this one has three pairs of main characters...each have their own problems and how they help each other to grow and overcome odds. (the title was meant to be mean Angel-are-us)

OP: Demiarm
is focused on one boy. contrary to the earlier story, his strength draws from the other end of the spiritual spectrum...his arm is completely ash black and ridiculously powerful, it is the focus of his hate and the reason for his alienation by his classmates. theme here was to relate on how pple get alienated becos of these kind of issues (differences etc)...

they sound a little silly, but i'm working on the details for each story to make it slightly more realistic and more interesting....think of it as a blend of bleach,d.gray-man,kyo and various other anime/manga....WITHOUT THE FAN SERVICE HAHAHAHAHA....(i feel evil towards the male gender)

Note: all the OP occurs around students from one school...the school is mentioned in a good light, sometimes there will be instances of humour at the acronyms used....so for that sake, those who know me and my school, if you can find something that is funny,memorable yet nice and uses the acronyms of my sch, pls tell me, i can't thing of one....(maybe thats why the school initials are so, so that students couldn't find anything to remake from it)

k, anyone with ideals to help me pls message me....i don't really know how many pple read this blog...and since i lost my tagboard,i'm not sure my classmates have not found this place yet....so i'm playing it by ear....

this ideas came to me mostly while i'm sleeping, imagine a empty concrete ground and two guys fighting anime style (after-effects of watching bleach at night and reading too much kyo). i wanted to do more, but right now my drawing skill is kind of limited,and time is too...

k, quickupdate of my time schedule for the hols:
mon,wed,fri,sat is fencing training in the morning
thur night is class outing (getting prep for dunking)

means i barely have any time to do work

k gtg sleep, enjoying minutes of singlehood is too good for me...

am i insecure...or are my friends?....i think its the former...looking around me are pple confident of what they're doing, i'm dragging my feet to find my abilities...why?

what a life

2007-03-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

i just took a quiz my friend posted on his blog, they list out aspects of your life and a score...mind,body,love,etc...
the only really good quality is body at 6.3...the worse is love at 0.0!!!! you can tell that i was laughing my head off when i got the score....really ridiculous
but seriously i probably never thought about love and relationship seriously...so i couldn't care too much...haha

my story...IS TOP SECRET..you wanna hear it, two conditions: one msn message me, two don't laugh at it...
it seems a bit childish, but i'm tying to make it as realistic as possible and as thought engaging as it should be a action comic/manga type of novel. if categorised alongside manga comics...it would be a shounian (young boy=teens guys) with NO FAN SERVICE!...BWAHAHAHAHA....i dislike fan-service-focused manga...dilutes the action and any plots twist...
and of course, apart from writing out the plot and stuff, i have to DRAW IT...it wouldn't be as fun if it was just a novel cos I WRITE VERY BAD COMPOSITIONS...ESPECIALLY NARRATIVES

meanwhile, i feel semi-depressed about...NOTHING....just mixed feelings over NOTHING....i can't believe how dumb this sounds but i'm really can't find anything that is causing me to stone randomly recently...

i haven't really explained how i feel about my behaviour...so i'll probably explain how i think it works:

i have three main personalities that merge to form ME:(for the sake of easy reference, i've named them)

Titus: the slightly arrogant, rash, violent one
Dan: the guy with the mentality of a 6 year old
Leon: the quiet though-provoking,rational,reasonable gentleman

Each of them forms me...undeniably they each take turns to be the dominant one with Titus and Dan appearing least...

even so, the most important factor in this is still Dan..the central behaviour that controls the minute balance between sane and on the verge of no reason...it is the main object that holds the other two together..perhaps this is the reason why i chose to use TitusLeon as my online nick (along with the reasons i have been giving so far), it embodies the two extremes that make up me...yet is not me...

i have no real reason why i think like that...i just like to talk to myself a bit too much...haha..growing up with lego for too long might be the cause...but i really don't care

i think i lie to myself too much...that i'm not mugger..that i have a real life...that i don't care what pple say about me...but the more i think about it, maybe this is the reason why i can still be who i am...the lies keep me occupied so i can never actually worry about the truth of me...so in the end....i can't tell whether i choose to lie to myself...or if i even lied to myself?in fact...i kind of like where i am now....enjoying everyday that God has let me live....

do i honestly belong among the sane? after writing so much, can i still say that i'm qualified to claim that i'm not eccentric? after so many years, i really can't be bothered....i'm not mad after all, just a little close to the edge.

ending of term

2007-03-04T21:57:00.000+08:00

so its the end of term 1...SO SOON...i feel like i barely started (same could be said for all my drawings since almost NO PROGRESS SINCE JANUARY)

tests are almost all gone...math is the last one...then got chinese oral still haven't done yet..

chem prac are much harder than last year
(titus: "duh, you just got promoted a year...OF COURSE IT GETS HARDER")
(leon: "honestly...-_-' ")

when i finish the three drawings i'm doing, i'll post it up...they look quite ok (one of them excerpt from kyo, two from dmc4 trailer stills)(the one from kyo looks great...but its half done..HALF A FACE ONLY)(titus:"OM...")(leon:"hahahaha.....-_-' ")(meanwhile, the other two a bit harder...even though from the same pic, its not that easy to draw faces side..)

i just started rethinking my story out for these pics...so i'm overloading my brain a bit more than i should....

my best subject now should undoubtedly be chem..since its the only subject i'm not really having a hard time (as compared to lit...)

then today ate dinner really early (4.30pm eat dinner...woohoooo..LJS..love their fries, but i also like salt, and pepper, and herbs...and many spices)(Leon: -_-')

k, gtg do work again, nite

too lazy

2007-02-13T21:50:00.000+08:00

well,, i got plenty of hw, and i got seriously lots of stuff coming up...and up to now i can't think of an EE topic in chem...so i'm pretty much stuck...so i'm not going to write today, i just going to upload scans of drawings based on drawings..but since i lost the original drawings on which the drawings were based on, i'll just post the ones i drew..if you do find any of the original drawings on the net, i completely give credit to the original artist, cos i'm bad at art and i do very bad works...hence i do not take credit from any of these drawings i'm showing you today, it was for the experience of learning. however, if you do hyperlink those i'm posting...i will not like it, i would very much prefer it if you hyperlinked the original drawing (which is probably somewhere on the net)...so go Google it.

First up: my attempt at drawing dante from the manga...i lost the original pic that i scanned on my com..so i'm just showing you my drawing (this is the second version, from afar the mouth seems ok, the first version had a shorter head and a pouchy cheeks)

Second: my attempt at drawing a fencer, he uses a saber and is saluting...well, it probably isn't very obvious in the drawing. i chose to draw this one cos it has meaning, it reflects the origins of fencing, saluting God, the blade, and your opponent...deep symbolisms...

last two: these are drawings i did on the back of the youth vision (quite obvious i was half listening and was trying really hard to stay awake). it's TITUS/Leon, or how i sort of picture "him", looking slightly down, hair covering eyes...looks pretty cool, except he had lines all across his pic...(the vision had lines...i forgot) so i digitally erased it (using M.Paint) and there is another version that i inverted the colour and changed some focus and settings in the scanner, and lo-and-behold, i can see words across his face!..cool effect. it was suppose to reflect the complexity of the character and what he is.

confusion

2007-01-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

well, i wanted to post something about spiritual gifts and such...but i'm not qualified to speak about such things since i didn't take time to research into the Bible, second i know nothing of greek, third i really don't need to do such things (says my dad who doesn't know i was planing to blog it)

so back to the daily stuff,

THIS WEEK:
i just did the two most unlikely things....one i volunteered to help wu shi (dance lion) for CNY celebrations in sch....second i volunteered to take part in an english speaking contest called "think on your feet" (my add-on: "but not on your hands")(titus' add-on: "but not on your brain")

well, firstly i don't know NUTS about dancing lions....second...fencing is taking everything out of my legs...what makes me think i got enough guts and legs to walk around the SCHOOL POPULATION...i must be out of my head....(but it's all for the CAS hours right?)

secondly, since when was i witty? i'm ,so far, well versed in the art of lame jokes as well as bad cheezy one-liners....though i try hard.....

hw so far has been manageable...WHO AM I KIDDING?!?!?!? CHEMISTRY QUESTION WAS SUPER TOUGH...LIKE HOW MANY PPLE IN CLASS ACTUALLY SOLVED IT (ok, three i think...)(maky worked 9hours and still couldn't solve it, i have three pages of working and formulas and only after help from Joel was i able to solve it...)(thks Joel, really a life-saver)

only this week did it actually dawn on me that i'm chem rep (WHAT...two weeks and now then i found out, man i'm blur in week 1)....i'm again IT rep...(i wanna retire already, four years and now this?)

i'm back in fencing again....so my muscles that have died now ache...(wait, is that even possible?)
my drawings now have lines on them due to excessive usage of exam pad paper...
i think i can come up with a class icon we can use...if i get the time to draw it...
in case anyone ask, i have 5 girls in class...and i'm not looking for anyone...so i'm still single and enjoying single-hood (as well as the super-sized meals i buy when i have time)

i got my com mac-canised with flyakite OSX

happy bday to michelle 2days from the day i post this post...30/1
happy bday to samson one week from this day i posted....4/1

oh and the best news i heard...TENG SENG I FOUND YOU A FRIEND TO CELEBRATE YOUR BDAY WITH ....YOU AND JOEL ARE BOTH born on APRIL FOOLS DAY...(being born on April fools day really has its benefits)(can i meet someone born on the 29th of Feb..? that is REALLY COOL)

k, i gtg finish english hw...was never that good at lit so i have to work double hard

daniel out
titus in
leon inbetween

"a boy and his instant cereal" "NOOOOO, we're out of POPTARTS"

Jurong At One

2007-01-19T17:04:00.000+08:00

i really miss home....especially when i'm at school...but what i really miss, is the air of the place at 1pm...

in case of you who have no idea where i live, i live in Jurong, something like a sub-urban area~just houses and people plus a market...Jurong is in the west side of S'pore, and i stay in the West area of Jurong,any more west and you'll hit Tuas and the Second link to our neighbour Malaysia. so there really isn't much traffic on the road in my area when it isn't peak time.

where i stay, it's really quiet...of course not that there isn't any sound at all...its just that when there is no car going through the road in front of my house, for a second as you look down the road, it feels like you're in a different place, the serenity of the place is calming and it feels like this place belongs to another dimension...

for every car that passes, the silence is broken, but the serenity is enhanced. it leaves a trail of floating leaves as it strolls on. the image of a car going 50km/h down a small two-way avenue is really nice...

leaves from the surrounding trees slowly float down. with a great imagination, you can see sakura petals, orange maple leaves, fresh green leaves. the sky a cool shade of blue, clouds lazily pass through, and even if it rains lightly, it feels like a shower of joy.

people stroll by minding their business, children run back home or to the park, teens chat among themselves...

the entire environment feels like it came out of a story, the story of a boy and his life...

the more i think of it, the more i wanna stay at home....the more i want to be here forever....but i know, there will be a time when i have to move on, but i want to etch this place forever in my heart...

there truely is no place like home....

ps. i just thought of this on the spot, cos since i dropped my previous ccas, i don't have anything to do on friday afternoons but come home. i reached home at around 1.30pm..and it felt so peaceful that i came up with the catch phrase "Jurong at One" and decided to write about it.

two weeks into 2007

2007-01-10T21:36:00.000+08:00

well, its been REALLY crazy...i fell sick from Christmas eve all the way to the last day of 2006, so i missed out lots of events...then came sch

well first week at acs i (again) isn't bad, just a lot of games for the whole week, including a 5 hour walk around orchard on saturday (if you have unfortunately been shopping at tangs,suntec and various shopping locations in the city, you would have seen a rather big group of pple sometimes doing ridiculous stuff, that would be us)(nothing against the law of our great nation of course)
the record so far is that everyone has been slipping on mud, falling into mud, been totally drenched, laughed their heads off...etc

my Orientation Group was 16, but the OGL's call it NEMO, which is a MUCH better name. we had so much fun together, we're too tired to comment. we didn't win all the stations, we weren't exactly the most hard-working (as in trying to win stations), but we stuck together (in Kwong's words: TIGHT) and we got BEST GROUP AWARD (two groups got it, the other group was a obvious choice, NEMO was a shocker)..also, Nemo all got a fish and two pictures from our OGL (thanks Kwong and Rong)

Kyensai with Greg Chew got involved during the orientation as the break-dancers who spiced up the mass dance

this week: NON_STOP BRIDGING COURSES (ok, almost non-stop, we had breaks and lunch-break)

today: really lucky, wed we end at 2.40pm, and then we were so guai in our group 3 bridging that the last lecturer (Business & Managment) let us off a little earlier (about at 2.10). DSong said that xinfu had a friendly battle with a guy in HC, so i tagged along. song, edmund, christina, me went to KAP for lunch first, and LO AND BEHOLD...KT was already there...so he tagged along too.

first note: HC is the BIGGEST SCH IN SINGAPORE, if you measure by the size of land it occupies...if i'm correct, its 2 ha bigger than the S'pore Zoo...and its really spacious and plenty of space to move about (i kind of like the buildings, it has that old classy academic look)
we were there so early and xinfu haven't arrived yet, so song, edmund yuan hao started a mini-workshop on breakdancing, while Kt went looking for someone and i just made a few calls to meet up with two old friends, TTS and Michelle.

and after a slightly long time, the HC dance club(i don't know their official name but i can assure you it would sound cooler than just dance club)lend us their dancing ground, they started the battle. audience was everyone who had time to see (inclusive of Kt,his friend, Christina, Pei wen, Michelle and her friends, me, a LOT OF HC pple, and near the end teachers). shortly after (ok, it wasn't really short but you get the picture) the really great(my vocab is kind of small to squeeze a good term here) battle, we took 66 and went home....i can't remember much details of the bus ride cos 1) the bus was really full 2)the four of us who took the bus (song,edmund, christina,me) were at opposite ends of the bus, song and christina at front, edmund me at back 3) i fell asleep.

so OTHERWISE, its been the most glorious week of homework-less-ness, with me using time to 1)blog, 2)draw, 3)study chem, 4)play piano [note: not in correct order of importance, it should be 3421,but it turned out to be 2431]

daniel signing off
titus signing IN for the night

Conscription Theory

2006-11-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

(old draft that never got posted)

i wanna break.......since the coming of Christmas, there has been non-stop request for pple to join choir or caroling or whatever....its almost non-stop

well, i can't say its a bad week either...just feel kind of bum-ed out

the funny thing is that Maky is going overseas. and Gideon is going overseas: both to study in Trinity...BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA....i wonder if they ever meet....BWAHAHAHAHAH......

i've just found the joy of youtube, i can listen to music that i don't have, and since i don't have the file on my com, neither own the cd with the file nor download it, i can still enjoy listening to the MUSIC VIDEO and enjoy the music legally (since its not necessary to watch the video to hear music, firefox's tabbed browsing has never been more useful)

and lately i've been doing that, watching/listening to music on youtube..as well as admiring macromedia flash productions on newgrounds (specifically, though under the series/CCC CITY)

foxtrot came out with one of its funniest strips(there are plenty of them, thats why they're comics), jason was talking about music with "folk" this and that...HAHAHA

well...its the hols, not many complains mostly sleeping late and waking up even later...

calendar check:

Nov - just mainly choir practices and stuff...nothing much in weekdays EXCEPT for the upcoming science + math camp....man i'm toast...

Dec: Youth Camp first up, have to plan finish the Pulau Ubin trip....(more worried about the youths in the YM then the BB boys from swiss cottage, of course, the BB boys know first aid, the youths don't) then next up after ONE DAY OF REST...TRIP TO EAST TIMOR....wow...my dad got this water project he's planning, he wants to improve the water supply the village is getting...he even did deep research [he does that for everything anyway] (using google earth, he determined that the north side of the country gets less water from the mountains,found a website that explained the equation of a reservoir, IMPROVED on the equations, and made himself a own built-from-scratch kinol-whatever-meter(the ones that measure angle of elevation)(which he was so sad to realize that it was LONG AGO BEEN INVENTED) and found a website that explained the native language)(all i've done is research into their history, which is quite saddening to read, and happy that they finally achieved their goal of independence....)

my bro got exams till the first week of december...so i can't bother him
my parents aren't going for youth camp (my dad got marks adjustments for his students and my mum wants to make sure he eats proper food)(he says he can cook, just that he doesn't cook a lot)

i had this weird dream that my room was trapped in a hole in the space-time continuum(i'm not sure how you spell it)...that i can access the time when my parents first got my house and the present, strange enough my room is still linked to the present, so i can access electricity from the present(aka my com and aircon still work)...it's kind of funny imagining their responses to things i tell them and show them (for one, i dreamed that my mum would never imagine of getting a second son [note: my bro wasn't born yet when they first got the house],my dad was amazed at how young he looked in the future) and best of all, their utterly shocked faces on seeing the future of computers (linked to the future is so good). if you think about it, it was rather funny, talking to my parents when they were younger, even if it was only a fleeting dream...

Never let your dreams fly away, i think its proof of my sanity, that i'm normal and human, that i exist...Cogito ergo sum

ps: if you don't know what those last three words mean, it's latin and search wikipedia for it

after so long

2006-11-16T00:29:00.000+08:00

i finally am able to POST ON BLOGGER...YAY...

before this post, i had THREE AMAZING LONG POSTS...but due to certain conditions of my computer..(late night, air-con being cracky, net connection kept dying due to something with com...cd-drive giving problems,messenger giving problems, windows update using firefox [that was laggy]) the connection to blogger wasn't really good...not to mention the pple who did my tagboard just betrayed me and deleted my account...i would say i've been overly pissed at how amazing technology backfires...

so far, things have been good here at my end. almost no problems at all.been having my bro give me advice on drawing (he's as good as if he really were professional...then again, he is now). my dad putting me through his excel course, haha, maybe i'll pop by his class as a teaching assistant or something before i go NS in two years time..(provided he still is there teaching, the 100% confirm thing is that he's stuck with that course). my mum is still teaching small at home. Zachery just got a PS2 (not by my influence, he got our old PS1 too, which has a cracky side only i and my bro can solve) and hence Zanna technically "inherited" the PS1, provided she can work it....she loves Puzzle Bubble...maybe should let her play with my mum. Bro is still studying...still the artist/poet/singer/gamer/engineer (what kind of engineer would have this combination of talents?)(too talented)

fencing is pretty good, 1)since we covered basics, we aren't that tired out from all the drills,2)i like the french grip,3)i have a left-handed friend inside fencing to fence with (RYAN),and a saber-lvl guy, so i got variety too.

cd-drive been posing some problems...lately it refuses to open, i have to place an empty disc when i'm not using it to make sure it still opens later...at least it still works

my HP software just died on me (and to a lesser extent, my bro)...now i can't scan anything with extra help to focus on certain features....guess i have too do it by hand or other software...

i wanted to do several series of post on topics...like philosophize when i'm free or something like that or produce a completely sarcastic views on stuff, or just let my other-self write lots of weird stuff...(which was one of the posts that didn't make it through to blogger), and then there is just the easy option of writing about my life....

he's gonna take the eeeaassssyyy one...

so i'll take philosophizing a bit and sarcasm since its the hols ( damn)

ironically i dreamed that i'll be writing a post on all religion, which kicked up a fuss and a headhunt...scary how powerful blogs are...(at backfiring)

so good nite pple

p.s (no its not princess sophie you d-v-code fanatics) will my friend pls write something on your blogs, i know i never update the blog list on the side and i don't have a tagboard anymore so you'll have to comment manually...sorry, but i'm running out of things to inspire storyline, a little help with "insights" of life would be a good change, thks

declared: holidays are a hoax

2006-11-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

finished "o" lvl paper, wasn't so bad, but still not sure i can hit A2...prelim only hit C5...my chinese is really bad, and i'm taking higher chinese, so it really doesn't help that the standard is much higher now.

Nov-Dec Sch hols have started....but since my bro entered University, he hasn't got time to renew our game supply...(he makes sure that we don't waste money by getting games BOTH of us like...actually i'm fine with almost everything, except FPS on consoles), so PS2 is actually gathering lots of dust...i can't scan anything on my com cos my HP software suddenly died..and that little program helps me lots......and (for my bro to read if he reads this) i can't fix it even after uninstalling, removing all registry traces of it, and every last folder and reinstalling it...HP director just refused to show up properly..however, all other HP software still works (ironically the part i try never to use)

i "joined" the church choir for this year's Christmas. (join is actually incorrect, since my mum just asked me once and that was just 1 min before she put my name down-kind of situation, conscript would be a slightly better term )

before the end of sch, i joined the newly opened fencing club ("we paint your fences and walls and future and even your dog!"joking) and i never realized how fit fencers are. first training and i nearly blacked out cos i forgot to drink sufficient water, and then sweat was in puddles in the MPH...for three days legs are sore...fortunately upper body is ok, or else i'll have problem doing anything. tomorrow another training...MORE FUN..who's up for more glove game?

since the hols started my class has gotten a bit busy, Maky organised an outing (but cancelled cos Escape theme park was closed that day), Louis just had a party at his house (today 4pm, i didn't go, song only told me around late morning/noon), jake was really busy burning 1 year worth of vids and pics of the class into dvds (of which i'm 30% of the pics have binru inside, it has become the side joke of the dvd, that and the several weird crusades of Ma Ping to reclaim his pencil box and various items/clothing from various weirld locations, the water attack of Seng and Raam, and many more [at least 10 more])

friend's blog mostly not updated (except jake and lucas)...so pretty much nothing to read online

and to top the year off, i've been "electrocuted" twice, once by static and the other by a small current. beginning of the year, physics practical, teacher show us device that when winded can produce a current btw two metal spheres and then ask me to try first and put finger inbtw spheres, current went through and finger shocked.
2nd time was nearer the end of year, trying to finger out why the sound not produced when dvd player plugged into sch plugs, held wrong part of audio plug (held metal instead of rubber), right-hand first two fingers felt really hot (like they were in hot water) and then when i let go, small muscle spasms...COOL but slightly painful and weird, not to mention dangerous. the dvd was plugged to the wall socket, if a full current had been flowing to the audio cable, i won't be writing this experience...(thankfully dvd player don't need that big a current to send audio)

so hows your hols....if you are mich,song,christina,jake,lucas, PLS BLOG if you have a little free time, i'm really bored reading so called International Bestseller of thriller when after the introduction of the child-hood evil boy it becomes so obvious that he is the grown up bad guy...

darn hopes

2006-10-21T22:32:00.000+08:00

well, results could have been worse

chem: 73 (81 with +8mod, personal best so far)
amath: 53 (worse of all,personal BAD, +5mod later)
cmath: 82 (best of all, no mod)
physics: 63 (personal best since sec3, no kidding)
bio: 56 (personal BAD/worse...)
la: 62 (doesn't seem that great, but if you look at individual papers, unseen was 18![finally], set text was 13 [bad])
chinese: 70 (WOOOOHOOOOOO, BEST SINCE PRI4, i can't remember when i got so high before)[on a side note, i wonder how i lasted so long in higher chinese,haha]
ihs: 23/40...(WAAAAAA, WRONG POINT....SO CLOSE TO A GOOD GRADE...NOOOOO)
POD: 88 (one less mark than the best in class...sigh...byebye "top for POD")(on the bright-side, 34/40 is ok for the essay, less than last year...but then i'm not really that good)

set up my hopes a bit too high, but on retrospect, these marks are still ok...i improved my physics and chem, though amath deproved (must becos i stopped practise for a period of time...)

at least i can still take higher lvl chem...though higher lvl bio and math will be difficult to get in...sigh...

guess i should just trash the earlier 29 expectations...sigh...sadsadsad

somehow...the future doesn't seem so bright...that is this blog's future...sry about the sudden change..my pervious format sudden went crazy...my tagboard went offline...so i changed it, forgot my tagboard password and userid anyway...wanted something simple...

thinking about next year:
sadness fills me to discover the pain of leaving....or staying...neither is better than the other..either has its benefits,yet both have its disadvantages.it just makes you wanna cry on what you miss/gain...its so confusing...lost in waves of uncertain emotions and unable to swim to shore of cold logical thinking...

Exams are gone

2006-10-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

i wanted to do a series of post of my version of humour in my subjects and sch...but i think i can postphone it for just one more post...

exams are over..great

here is my estimate for the papers:

Chem: at least a 70..(i hope) Praying for as high as 80...
Physics: if i hit 70 for paper...i'm gonna thank God
Bio: if i EVEN hit 70 for paper, its a miracle
Amath:same as bio...(my mind kept going blank,so the questions with more marks cannot do)
Cmath:should be ok...hitting 70~80...ihope...any higher and its a miracle
LA:BWAHAHAHA...no idea
IHS: that crap i vomitted out had better be worth it
Chinese: GG..very GG for compo...the compre should still be ok..i hope

for once...i worked so hard for chem and i think i might actually get a decent mark for the paper...as for Amath...worked hard, but apparently still not enough...

physics was quite lucky, i actually understood most of the questions there and had the formulas correct (application is another case)

Cmath had practise, so should be ok

LA was choice of stories....my stories should be ok...for unseen...>hehehehhe<

Chinese...can't tell, they changed the format from "o" style to "IB", so with the sudden change it's not that easy to get used to it

bio...TOO MUCH TO REMEMBER...

pod...hopefully get high marks

Lessons learnt from Finals:

a)there can be no such thing as enough practise when it comes to math
b)teachers also find exams boring, and they like FOX-brand sweets
c)adrenline does weird stuff to my head
d)i CAN BECOME CHEM PRO
e)the clocks in the auditorium are screwed up...i time on the dot and its always give/take two mins
f)bio has too much to remember...start early
g)bio is good for medical course...no matter what pple say (i should know...almost my entire family has some weird medical condition)
h)girls are MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY SEEM....study bio-human reproduction....i forgot what adaptations a placenta has...too much to memorise...(note: at least 2/3 of the chapter on human reproduction is female...the male side is quite short...but at least they included vasectomy)

now...all i can do...is pray...

and wait..

AND GO SMS PPLE AND TRY TO PLAN OUTINGS>>>WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA>>>>

back to drawing again....

morals from sept hols

2006-09-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

i have good news and bad and worse news...

good news: i studied all the chem i think we were thought

bad news: i barely touched the others...

worse news: my wonderful smart classmates went mugging at the local CRASH COURSE centre...so now, they are super-prep-ed up...

this week, i am FORCED to consider our one part of our mentality and the reason of education, so let me start on my opinions on the first issue:

well, i'll start with a story: i went to the dentist...on the way, every genius knows you should have dinner first or else you could have problems later after seeing the dentist. so i sit down (you have the imagine a little boy sitting at the 4-seat table, with another 4-seat table next to it so it seems like a 8-seat table) while my parents get their food...then out of the sudden, these three elderly people come by and ASSUME (yup, thats the key issue of mentality: ASSUMPTION) that no one is sitting with me, and just come and sit right next to me and in front of me.. let me write you an illustration:

x=me
.=empty seat
*=where the elderly pple wanna sit

before

. . . .
-------
TABLE
-------
. . x .

after

. . * *
-------
TABLE
-------
. . x *

and being assuming pple, they auto assume that i am alone. so i told them that my parents were sitting there, then they were kind of shocked (i think to hear me speak to them...but that's an assumption too), so they moved...

after after

* * . .
-------
TABLE
-------
* . x .

wow...and they came from that side of the table too...wonder what gave them the idea that my side is better...

ASSUMING things is not good...(unless you are assuming worse-case scenerios which is actually good or you are assuming factors for some science project which also is good) but the main idea is that assuming that just because the situation looks like this means that you can do what you plan, there might have been other matters that are not seen that could easily make your life harder if you had went on with your plan of assumption.

it also gets kind of irritating...i went to the local macdonald's nearest to my house (of course i don't go alone..i went with my cousins,maid and my mum)(personally, i don't agree with hiring of maids, but my cousins aren't me so i guess i'll pass this subject till another time) and then there is group of at least 6 youths who just hog the center tables, let me sketch out the area plan for you:

x=my cousins,maid,mum,and me
.=empty seat
+=another family
*=youths
** ***
.||. -- ---
.||. *| |**| |*
-- ---
** ***
x x x + +
- --- ---
- --- ---
x x x + +

k, my FAQ-styled drawing isn't good, but i hope you get the general idea. anyway, mac doesn't have many 8-seat tables..the 8 youths on the right table are actually koping spare chairs from neighbouring tables...so one youth naturally ASSUMES that the nearest empty movable chair is free and takes it, happens that its one of the +s, and another family is already there, and all the tables are actually taken (alas, the lady went off to wash her daughter's hands, hence two empty seats,one screwed to the floor, the other movable) my mum being the hawk-eyed one immediated called at the boy who quickly places it back just as the mother and her daughter return.

wait, thats one part of the mac-ssumption issue, here's the other half:
my mum thought those were from my sch! (hahahahaha) well, if they didn't speak chinese all the while, i would have thought so too(judging by what kind of clothes they wear) (but i have a more analytical thinking-perspective than my mum)here's the reason why they're not from my sch: A)they speak chinese the ENTIRE time in macs; B)there are girls among them; C)common sense says that there are WAY TOO FEW of my sch guys in the area of Jurong West (max of about 3 i think)...continuing with moral, ASSUMING THINGS MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME (get it? ASS_U_ME, ASSUME!!!HAHAHAHA)(my bro thought me that)

next plot: the muggers strike again.

of course if you actually read, you'll remember that i mentioned that my mostly mugger classmates went for a crash course in all the subjects we take (i think song and i are the only two oblivious to this, either that or it's just me)..if you were in my position, two things come to mind: 1) they have no confidence in what they have learnt for the past year,nor their teachers' ability to disceminate their knowledge and have learnt NOTHING these 1 year and 9 months; 2)they are muggers, ye who can throw-up an entire textbook without actually knowing applications of anything inside [ok, on these guys, slight ability to do applications, mostly already stated from book]

and, of course, the more obivious fact that they desperately want to get promoted

despite the fact they are my friends and all, i completely don't trust most of them (lucas ,jake,adriel,chinsan,dsong,binru,kt,maky fall under the catergory of "COMPLETE TRUST", the rest waver inbetween "trust" and "forget it man"). i mean, come on, can you trust someone who is so..so...lifeless...WE HAVE LESSONS FOR A REASON! there is no excuse not to pay attention (hey, i sleep in class but at least i can read up on what i missed, but thats another issue altogether)...this problem i believe has reached EVERY SCHOOL, its the most screwed up conception of what education should be.

dad's definition of education: "go there, learn as much as you can, and prepare yourself for life. if you need this textbook again once you get a job, you have failed life's test."

education isn't about the A's, it's about preparing heart,mind and soul for the future.(k, i really deeply believe in such things as preparing heart,mind and soul. i for one sure believe in soul)its not about now, its about 10~20 years from now.

like how my dad said and my bro testifies to that statement: "when you become an engineer, you should be able to take your textbook and burn it with no regrets. in paper, solving a simple problem such as finding the height of a building is easy; but in real life, thats when the fun really starts. everything MUST be etched so deeply in your MIND that you don't have to think, you know what you are going to do, how to do it such that it is easy, and finally, get the answers quick."

education was never about being first in class, its proving to yourself that you have what it takes to reach that potential of that occupation...no, not just occupation, LIFE. it was never about money...if you think about it, education was never so commonplace. Greeks considered educated pple highly (look at plato and aristole, the early teachers); Jews considered their teachers of law and Rabbi very highly, Jesus was a teacher; in ancient china, scholars who really studied ended up as officials (this one is more like study of applications, so its more free-ended, more complex than just vomitting info)

recently, my dad taught my youth class the difference of being knowledgeable, and being wise. being knowledgeable is to know things, being wise is to apply what is learnt. It's like a handyman with his tool box: the knowledgeable handyman knows which tool goes to which screw; but it's the wise handyman who brings what is necessary to do the job (lightening his load),can use the tools to its maximum potential (application) and finally can improvise in a worse-case scenerio (Further forms of applications). it is good to know, but it is better to be wise. wisdom is not from man.

i need not remind you of shawn tan...you can read about his screwed up money views in the earlier post.

kk, end of moralistic daniel mode...i don't think my mind can continue any longer...
so now to end of year, here's my plan:

1)study hard for exams
2)after exams, do some drawings to boost moral
3)finish up the two poems i've just started (more prose than poem actually, got to ask bro for help)
4)catch up on sleep
5)pray REALLY HARD that someone i know gets into IB, and that someone isn't in my current class, someone sane preferably
6)practise piano like no tomorrow...except for the fast songs..(ie minxian...that song play so fun and nice..then the pain of holding my hand permanently in one octave span catches up after the song..)
7)learn how to increase hand-size...so that i can play that song more often..i forgot title...
8)read books (how i missed that)
9)play badmintin with zanna
10)finally do some sane stuff instead of put up with my class necessent completely ridiculus behaviour..(i mean, it's not correct of a 16 year old guy to act like that)
11)get someone video tape the day that i'm sick from sch...i wanna see who does all the IT stuff in class...i don't believe that anyone one else can handle that post
12)say goodbye to cyberac, and HELLO POSITION AT ACPRESS (hopefully)
13)say hello to my new teachers of year 5 (hopefully a good class)(if i get Mr. A.Chew for any subject [hopefully chem or TOK, best if both], i'll go over there and hug him...haha)
14)get my life back the way it was when it was sanest...i think thats last year's me
15)learn how to flash productions and do some of my own and make it famous at NEWGROUNDS...my aim is to be as good as vinne veritas...that guy is one good animator

thats enough for now

the really future-future plans
-1)get a life steady
-2)get a place in university for further studies
-3)get a girlfriend (though this one is by far the MOST far-fetched plan i have)
-4)get a job and give life a good kick (haha)

p.s this post took exactly an hour and a half, you should at least read till when my thought-ful/POD side of me tires out.(aka before my 29-part plan)

T-day

2006-09-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

for a start, i didn't go back to HPPS for t-day...i didn't forget...i just thought that everyone having prelims so no point being the only person...well, i'm regretting the choice...haha,ironic...

i miss pri.sch, really. for one, the subjects seem so much easier than much of what i'm learning now (duh); two, life was easier then, though i went out less and ate out less and was really short (133cm...not very tall, now 167). three, i didn't have to join NP back then, i joined scouts and loved it (well ROD already..so not much to say about it now, it was a blast) four, the girls didn't really like me (which is better then current in which i quote binru "all our classmates hate him");fifth, we actually paid attention in class and never discussed about money (unlike current with shawn tan and his "paying the sch for education", go buy a book and read)

6th, the weather never bothered us, we alway cleaned up the class, and its always clean (unlike current paper pane escapade and ball throwing events, not to mention the footprint stained walls, and the aircon prob)

7th, (i'm savouring this one) we never really talked much about computer games, unless you can play them in the comlab...(of course they haven't invented warcraft 3 then....i still played Final Fantasy 7 then, and now its DOtA for the more insane pple...and i still play DMC3 now)(of course now the class is more into maple, thanks to much "propaganda" by our teachers...ironic)

8th, someway or other, some/all the guys always get in trouble with the girls and we always get chased round the class...it was fun...(compared to...well..its missing in sec sch, unless you count shyna and wanxian insistence of doting of PING [which is fun for the attention on them, but can never compare to running around being chased by seriously anger pple][what can i say,i'm weird])

9th, there was more kick in challenging the sch top for science then now (1, she's a friend;2, its impossible to beat those guys in my class)

10, pri sch class actually enjoyed doing ordinary stuff, not computer games 24/7, nor mugging 24/7,actually games and sports, and we were always so open to each other, (so what if we knew each other's marks, we just shrugged it off and work harder next round.)

but there are some nice things now: 1, instead of cocky tennis player, we have ruggers (who are much better than most normal pple [academics and fitness], OWNAGE compared to whom i'm talking about)

2. i have new friends

3. they do cool stuff which i can watch and probably never learn

4. science and math now is WAYYYYY cooler than before, not to mention less word problems

5. i actually like wearing the sch long pants...feels comfy...haha

6. i'm older, i think more clearly, i speak slightly better, i am TALLER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(i hope i haven't stop growing)

7. i learned stuff, like anime and manga and stuff

8. i re-enforced some relationships with old friends..

9. i've learned some stuff...have my moody times and stuff like that..

10. i can bullshit plenty about random stuff (but i CHOOSE to tell the truth)

well, next 5 days, non-stop studying for finals, can't mess up there

and michelle, I CAN'T FIND YOUR BLOG!!!!ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.....shouldn't have reformated to quickly...

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(do you see a crying face?)

!@#$%^&* notes

2006-08-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

can you believe it? two days to a important test and i can't find my notes...the worse part is that its new (this semester new-new) and i haven't even filed it up at home...so WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO??? unbelievable...too much anger stored up...all about incompetency...

its funny, everywhere i hear class committee organising class outings and stuff...but where i come from, the class committee has never actually STARTED thinking of one...its always jake and gang who eventually get a great idea...come on...you can't really expect them to work...they got studies to worry about...mugging and copying is the game...

then there is the "always depend on the IT rep" mentality, so what happens when he's sick? no one to do any com setting up...despite almost everyone else madly plays dota or some warcraft/cs game,they can't even hook up a laptop to a projector...and the IT rep, he himself has no idea, he has to LEARN FROM SCRATCH...so no one bothers to learn something new, as if the extra knowledge will explode their minds...

then there is the keybearer...that poor guy is so tired he doesn't even bother to come early for sch, he just makes it on time to try and AVOID the key...not his fault, he's tired of hearing complaining teachers for lateness when he has to leave class last EVERYTIME FOR THE WHOLE FIRST SEMSTER just to lock up the door after a bunch of jerks...

then there is the physics rep: the guy just wants to hand stuff up on time so that he doesn't get constant remarks from the teacher about needing to press classmates for hw...but NOOOOOOOOOOO...everyone wants the IDEA answers...wait and wait and wait...take one week for one prac when it can be done in hours...(correctly 1hr minimum as proven by previous generations of students)(same for chem prac, except usually takes 2 weeks)

so three poor guys who would love to scream their troubles to the world, shout at the unfairness of life against them, how they struggle in their own walk and others just give him baggage, how they suffers from other's incompetency to work/move/THINK. can you imagine their pain, imagine the nightmare they have, imagine the anger and constrants they puts on themselves, imagine how close they are to wacking the nearest wise-ass for disrupting class. they are so close so breaken down, every small poke could be the last...

can you imagine...if the three guys were actually one person?

one boy bears the pain and agony of triple proportions....he must be thinking what kind of world he lives in? what kind of classmates he has? then he always realises, his path to where he is was known long ago, his pain recognised and approved,a life that does not belong to him.

then he smiles, a sweet smile, a lonely smile,a child's smile; one full of innocence and forgiveness...

and then he cries tears of guilt and pain,of anger and toil.

he cannot let go, neither can he trust another with what he has been entrusted. his heart tells him he does it so another never has to suffer, his brain just laugh at his foolishness.

when will he ever find the end of this seemingly endless torment? he dreams day and night for a time before this, when he never thought of it this way....does he feel regret? probably, but it's dipped with sugar...

the boy's story will continue, i will write it for him, no matter how much he wishes to hide from his friends.he never hated them, he never mistreated them, but they never knew...they will never know

understanding

2006-08-17T00:15:00.000+08:00

i finally understand why secondary sch don't end at 6pm...ITS COMPLETELY IMPRACTICAL AND IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A BUS AT 6.30PM (ESPECIALLY 334)

i understand the difference in intelligence as the time goes by, pracs take longer time to hand up

i understand physics, but i refer prefer chemistry

i understand TFA, i don't understand the teacher (thank goodness)

i understand the class, i don't get the classmates

i understand with "knowledge is power", but i also understand that "with great power comes great responsibility"

i understand that reformating com before backing up application data is retarded

i understand that staying up till 12am helps me sleep in sch/bus/while walking (jk)

i understand that i haven't blogged for a long time, mainly becos: a)jake knows this link, b)i'm to tired

i understand i feel frustrated, frustrated i lost all my bookmarks of blogs to a reformat

i understand i'm GRADUATING FROM CYBER AC BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and so, on with my journey of understanding, drawing, crazy antics, life, bennedict screaming like a wimp at the back, bennedict singing REALLY off-tune at the back, bennedict acting like a big jerk at the back, and just overdued chinese zuo wen...

"There is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

Time passes fast. A new post for a new me

life always goes on

long time no see

art update

Life as it is now....its pretty short termed

Here and Back again, a long story

Apologies for the year

delays in mindscape

End Of The Year

Dragging my bum life along

ultimate...lightbulb

the bright darkness in life

conclusion

hate serotonin

Dark Knight...or was it duckwing duck-knight?

doubts

tired

reasons and errors: lost in doubt

the days 111 posts

mooney rhymes with looney

being a friend

feeling down out and beaten

dreams

subcultures of students

worth

dear diary

the round about

going to the nut house

the 100th post

life must suck if you hate yourself

New feeling

Conviction

day in and day out

one year older but not a day younger

Feeling High

No Thumbs Up

beyond fatigue

the days after TOP-day

not-so-funny titles

left behind...or at least out

nervous multicellular mass

new progress...old sorrow

busy

the story of a boy

back from crazy-ville

Silence Of Sadness (S.O.S in case you didn't get it)

(titleless)

missed training

Valentine's Day

thinking lonely thoughts

Refusing to fall

life goes on

first week

Salutations

who i am was made by who i was

laughing at self

b2b

the question

ultimate irony

feeling weird

Limit breaker

origin

points

the ending

the dream

getting on

going bonkers

the week

really smart

re:personality test

personality test

You are a Considerate Dreamer.

<br />

about you

You are a Dreamer

If you want to be different:

how you relate to others

You are Considerate

If you want to be different: